This weekend I am proud to announce that I am going to try on my first ever 18 hour bra. The girls have become extremely lazy in the last couple of years and they need a wake-up call. With the economy such as it is, the decision between a facelift and a boob lift is becoming much easier to determine. As a recovering real estate agent, the days of mink coats, fancy furs, luxury cars, and great plastic surgery is over.
So off I am to the local Kohl’s, JCPenney or even Target (Tarjay, en francais..) to find my $29 dollar lift device. Cheaper than botox, and less painful.
I love being 51. I will be 52 in less than a month. But, I think I am going to stay 51 forever. What an empowering age!
After I got over the shock of turning 50 and getting the requisite fancy watch, turning 51 was kind of a sigh of relief and time to press on. I started voicing my mind again, and not only when I was deemed courageous by martinis. I had no fear–and this can be a good thing or a bad thing determined upon what kind of situation you are faced with.
With teachers in my daughter’s school – good thing. Guess what-they think we are all stupid but walk in there in a decent pair of jeans or a work suit without a whole lotta bling and you can be taken seriously. Show up in a tennis outfit or workout clothes and you are dead. Really dead-because they wish they were doing that same thing.
With retail clerks–good thing. Just be nice. They have heard all the excuses. Don’t lie. If you think you look like a large bag of shit in that brown wrinkly top and wide capri’s, tell them. Save your money–that’s more in your account and not theirs.
Buy great shoes and bags. Great shoes and great handbags do not care what size you are. A cute pair of $98 Jack Roger’s sandals will make you happy. A real – and I mean real – Louis Vuitton Neverfull slung over your shoulder whilst wearing sweat pants and an old ratty beer T-shirt will make you feel like a million bucks. Seriously – do this –it works.
When in doubt, buy something. And a fancy bra is not going to make you feel any younger. Look, Victoria’s Secret is for anyone less than a 36B. Yes, they will talk you into some ridiculous push up that is too small and sets those babies right under your chin. You can set a glass of wine on them-try it! But I will say that if VS was around when I was in high school in the 1970’s, my high school years would have been much more fun.
So I am on the other side of 50. Get outta my way–this is going to be a fun ride!