Where’s Dr. Hotness When You Need Him?

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This was my night last nite.  Don’t ask.

Oh, it wasn’t me.

A BFF of mine-ended up in the local ER with horrible right side pain she thought could be appendicitis.  Or an angry ovary.  And no one was able to be with her.  So, of course, I came to the rescue.

Because waiting around, watching the Kardashians, gossiping, and laughing till we hurt (her especially) is TOTALLY something I am up for.

16 was with the boyfriend, BC was in South America, so what better way to spend my WTF Wednesday nite? All I was gonna do was drink copious amounts of cheap wine and watch Honey Boo Boo anyway….

I was hoping for a Greys Anatomy kinda nite-ER door bursting open, people screaming, you know–all that fun stuff.  But up here in the burbs it is WAY to quiet.  The most exciting thing I saw was  a tween bow-head cheerleader with a broken arm. BORING>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

And besides, they had no bar and the nurses didn’t have much personality.  They did not think my comment about the possibility of a hot intern showing up and giving me a pelvic was particularly funny.

And they would not share the morphine they gave my BFF.  That’s not right in so many ways.  Because you know, us girls, we like to share our madness…

But all turned out well for my girlfriend.  She has a pain in her side. We had pant wetting laughs about the situation.

That pain?   I think it’s her douchebag ex husband, if you ask me…………..

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WTF Wednesday! Politics, Bacon, Puppies and More!

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Today’s WTF Wednesday is full of WTF’s from this week-there were so many I had to include my favorites for the week so here goes:

1. Juan Williams of Fox News : He calls Ann Romney a ‘Corporate Wife’ on TV last nite. REALLY??? I also heard that someone on another network called her a kept wife. Well, here is the deal–You can call me any wife you want as long as the sex is good and I have an unlimited credit card. I mean, who wouldn’t want that? I’m an independent and I’m glad I don’t have to go on TV to make people at my husband’s job like him….

Fox News

2.  Vagina Costumes : The hardest part of this get up is that you wouldn’t be able to see the pearls I am wearing underneath.  Also, another set back for us gals out there IMHO.

3.  BK”s BACON SUNDAE : God is good.  And so is this treat, at a mere 510 calories-go for it!

4.  Last but NOT least:  My new FAVORITE WEBSITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Check out DogShaming–it is by far the biggest laugh on the web right now-Oh, how many pics I could submit….

Dog Shaming.com

Big Pink Fuzzy Protesters…..

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Why I will NEVER dress up as a vagina for Halloween, or any other occasion.

Ok, Code Pink is a peace organization formed by women to promote peace and wage peace in our world. Currently they are protesting at the Republican National Convention against the RNC  platform on abortion.  Which I too disagree with.  But there has got to be a better, more intelligent and classy way to do this.

What has now worked against them is the fact that this week, they have women dressed in vag costumes parading around the RNC in Tampa. At least from what I have seen on social media and other media, it is turning into a colossal joke.

Hey ladies–do you want your kids to see you on TV and in the papers dressed like that? Sure, they will get over your Halloween costume last year when you went as Nurse FixItAll and Dad went as Dr. Feelyercrotch. They will get over the one time you laid on the couch all day complaining of a headache, when in fact, you really had the Vodka Flu and they knew it. They will get over the fact that you had a meltdown as Room Mom in the 4th grade end of year party. They will forget all of that. Kinda.

But they will never forget it if you end up on TV dressed as a giant pink vajayjay with a huge sign over your head some of which said, ‘read my lips’.

Big Huge EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

There have got to be other ways to do this.  Yep-they’ve been heard and noticed.  Got what they wanted. But taken seriously, not sure. You may or may not agree with me. (Be nice).

Besides, what kind of shoes go with a big hot pink fuzzy vagina costume, anyway?

Just my humble opinion.

Love Me, Love My Cheeseburger

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I am really gonna do this.  I am going to order that mofo and feel damn good about it.

The anticipation is building. I’m not feeling so bad about this choice as I’m in the line behind a new Audi A7 with a nice looking gal behind the wheel with a great hairdo. She’s smoking a cig–even better….

We creep up the line until I pass her on my way to the other order box and wait my turn. I am feeling pretty good about this decision. Especially since there is the gal in the Audi and a gal in an Acura in front of me with no kids in their cars. We are sisters in crime.

I’m at the speaker-and she asks: “I can take your order now”

I say-“I’ll have a Number 2, LARGE with un-sweetened tea..”

She says, “First window please”…

I pull up and pass the Audi and the Acura and me and my BMW go to the window, pay my cash and I come away with a QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE MEAL and I am HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!! And I eat that mutherfucker with a passion all its own. Down to the last fry. And not share half with my dogs.

I’d like the fried shrimp, please…..

 

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life. Fat or skinny or in-between I’m gonna be in BIG LOVE with myself.

Over this past weekend, I read some really inspirational, tear splashing, and personal blogs from outstanding women in the blogosphere that wrote about how they are going to love who they are and what they are going to do to  make it happen. Two blog sites that I recommend are GirlBodyPride and InthePowderRoom. These sites are inspirational, funny, outlandish (especially the powder room..) and uplifting. They were created by some of the finest women writers and bloggers out there today. And they gave me such a kick in the ass that I am joining that movement.

Every morning, when I get up and turn on my computer or phone and look at my email, the Body Police on the internet have been pretty busy because I get-no lie-about 6-10 emails a DAY early in the am from all those places out there like Weight Watchers, Prevention, Jenny Craig, Healthy Mom, NutriSystems,Wheat Belly and more.  How to this, how to that, holy fuck I am so confused it’s a wonder I am not in the women’s section yet (but I’m close). What a way to start your day.

At 52, and being overweight, I am also prime for heart attacks, diabetes, gout, knee problems, thinning hair, incontinence and more fun body dysfunction than you can imagine.  I KNOW there is a troll out there that took one look at the picture of me on FB and said–OK, we got another one-prime target–send her the emails of death!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I have found out the hard way that no amount of money in your wallet will fix all that stuff like fatness and unhealthiness, because it has to come from within.  That is the only way.

I am tired of the guilt.  I am tired of feeling bad about eating even one fucking french fry.  I am tired of the comments-you know, the IF ONLY YOU WOULD……

Once the guilt and self-doubt is thrown to the lions I truly think that great things can happen. Even my skinny bitch girlfriends complain about their size.  What has this come to, except for a ton of women of all sizes and shapes unhappy with themselves?  Great.

So yes, I am going to try and improve my health. And no, I am not going to feel guilty about that piece of birthday cake I ate that’s in my office kitchen.

Because if I go every day feeling guilty about something I did or did not eat I end up at a standstill and end up doing nothing good for myself.

Unfortunately, body and beauty perfection is the holy grail of women today.  And what should be the holy grail for women is to truly like ourselves. Warts and all.

Like the Weed and Braids Lady would say “Don’t worry, ’bout a thing, cause every little things, gonna be alright”….

Toddlers and Teenagers……

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asher and jared dancing as little toddlers

asher and jared dancing as little toddlers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Everyone loves lists–but they can be annoying. Sometimes they are there because of writer’s block. Sometimes they are there for fun. Mine is so you will have a great start to your weekend –LOL

So here are MY  TOP REASONS Toddlers and Teenagers are so alike:

They are hard to get to sleep at night–AGAIN

Toddlers have tantrums because they don’t get something they want. Teenagers have tantrums because they don’t want what they get……..

Toddlers love to put things in their mouths. You are trying to constantly keep things out of Teenager’s mouths, like cigarettes, beer bottles, shot glasses, weed, and body parts

Toddlers have lovies like blankets, pacifiers, stuffed toys. Teenagers still need them.  Enough said-so you’d better not tease them or I’ll come and kick your ass.

Toddlers love preschool. Teenagers are looking for ways to skip school.

Toddlers have cute battery operated cars. Teenagers want cars with 6 liter engines

Toddlers love to dress in cute clothes. Teenagers don’t want to look ‘cute’. They will dress in anything anti-cute like torn t shirts, short shorts with the pockets hanging out, FM pumps for the girls and slippers for the guys…

Toddlers love to snuggle with their mommas. Teenagers make you stop 100 yards away from the high school entrance to drop them off.

Toddlers eat with their hands.  Teenagers eat. And eat. And eat….especially if they are boys.

You have to install wacky locks on all your cabinets and doors to keep Toddlers safe.  You have to re-install these locks when they turn 13, as well as an extra one for the liquor cabinet.

Toddlers love to run around naked.  Teenagers like to watch other people run around naked on their computers…………

Toddlers love baths.  Teenagers have to be threatened to take showers, or pay half the water bill if they are girls.

Toddlers go to time out.  Teenagers go to jail.

Toddlers say embarrassing things in public when they are with you, and it’s hilarious.  Teenagers pray on a daily basis that YOU will not embarrass them in public.

But we will, it’s MY turn now……….And it’s gonna be hilarious!