I think I need to make a sex tape. After all, it seems to be the way you get famous in today’s culture. Look at Kim Kardashian–her mom took the bull by the horns (or horny bull, whatever) and turned that big ol mistake into a cash cow for her and her entire Armenian clan there in Los Angeles. I have to give her props for that. That is true entrepreneurial spirit! And now, media outlets are reporting that Kanye wants to make an “artful’ one with her. Yeah right…………
But who would want to look at a sex tape by a 52-year-old menopausal woman ? (Here come the pervs…) And Big Momma wouldn’t market it, she would watch it and point out that I have gained weight and that my hair needs to be a little blonder….
First of all, I would have to have a chiropractor on call. And the keg-o-lube nearby. I would also need the AC to be at about 60 degrees to quell the hot flashes that are NOT from passion.
And then I would have to clean my room and get it ready to be on video. I don’t think the photos of 16 as a toddler on my bedside table are really great props. Or the self-help books and the bottle of Tums. I can’t afford a set director so I guess we would have to ditch that idea.
And the script-have to write that. Would consist of: “ow” “Can you move over a little so I can see Jay Leno?” “How long is this going to take?” “Uh, oh, leg cramp!” “That was the dog, not me” “EEEWWWW” Award winning–Oscar worthy-yep, I ‘ll get right on that.
And let’s not forget the three terriers that we have will also have to be on set. In the bed, fighting over a chew bone. Really hot and sexy dontcha think?
And the TV has to be on the Fox News Network, Food Network or the Golf Channel HD. Oh, this is getting better and better. Just what the world wants to see–a middle-aged mom and a Republican golf addict with bad backs in a sex tape on You Tube. I Just cannot wait to be You Tube famous……