Planet Teenage Wasteland Has my Kid

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Teenage wasteland

Teenage wasteland (Photo credit: Ani-Bee)

I love The Who. They are still one of my favorite bands that I can rock out to. I almost wrecked my car last week heading to work when Emmenince Front came on. Oh. MY. GOD.. Cranked it–that was a sight-me in my bifocals riding on the Atlanta Perimeter screaming this song…………

Their song-Teenage Wasteland is pretty much my life right now.

This weekend, 16 was in a foul mood from Friday to Sunday night. Seemed like every chance she had she was trying to engage me in a fight.

Unfortunately, this is the problem with an only child. They have no one to fight with. So it becomes my job not to go there. Pretty hard because my blood pressure is under control with meds but my tolerance for teenage bullshit is not.

You see, when our lovely 12 year olds start sprouting hairs in unseemly places, and smelling like the gym, there is a species of alien that comes to your house in the middle of the night and kidnaps your precious tween and switches their bodies and souls with their fooked up alien teen. This new alien in your household starts acting like a T Rex with a frontal lobotomy.

There is a planet with all of these lovely 11-13 year olds that are helping out around their alien homes, getting to school on time, there are no cell phones, doing homework, dressing in cute clothes and I want to know where that is so I can get my daughter back!

So this weekend, the conversation was this:

16:  There is no good food in this house.

Me:  Well, what kind of food do you want?

16:  I duuno, just good food (which means she wants me to go to the store and get sodas, fritos, mac and cheese, ramen noodles, Chips Ahoy cookies, ice cream, candy and really wonderful stuff….)

Me:  Well, if you want to go, you need to come with me.

16:  Ok, but I also need to go to Michael’s, Office max, Petsmart and Shoe Gallery.

Me:  WTF? Oh, I get it, Dad is out-of-town so now you are going to try to talk me into a new pet and expensive shoes

16:  God mom, I need stuff for my rabbit and a new backpack and other stuff

Me:  You mean the rabbit you ignore and the backpack that you are using to do HOMESCHOOL  IN OUR HOUSE???

16:  I also want to look at the reptiles….

Me:  Oh, HELL NO!  We did the bearded dragon thing-they eat LIVE crickets which YOU would not buy and I had to, and then  your snake went on a hunger strike and starved to death because it refused to eat frozen mice.  I AM SO DONE with animals that eat live crap.  I mean it-do NOT entice me into this fight because you will NOT win this one!

16:  MOM–Chill..you get SOOOO emotional!

Me:  I PROMISE, if you push me, I WILL have a hissy fit right in the middle of Petsmart if you even bring up another animal.

16:   (Big eye roll)

So as we are traipsing through Petsmart and then the shoe store, with my No Fucking Way sign on my forehead, she politely asks:  ‘How about we get mommie daughter pedicures?’

That sign disappeared from my forehead right away.

I am hoping that NASA, with all they have spent to get that stupid Rover up to Mars, will see our real need and send a very large yellow Rover bus to go pick up our darling kids from whatever planet they are on and deliver them home as soon as possible.

This is why we have DFACS………….

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3 comments on “Planet Teenage Wasteland Has my Kid

  1. heartmom21 says:

    I am now the proud parent of three teenage alien boys. 13 had his crossover b’day today. God help me stay out if jail…really!

  2. Forever 51 says:

    I love that-crossover HA

  3. Allison says:

    Oh, Lord. I am right there, too. Though I am about to crossover into 14, not 16, and it’s already killing me. Will I really live to see 16? Was I really this unbearable, once upon a time? I’m guessing so and karma sure does suck when it comes to parenting. But then she issues the unexpected pedicure invitation, or actually tells you she likes what you’re wearing (and please tell me why at 51 I actually care that she does), or she comes home from the first day of school that she was sure would be the worst ever and admits, hey, maybe it won’t be so bad after all. I am definitely going to need to keep my prescription filled for this year!

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