I Love My Willie!

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I just love my Willie.  My DOG, people! He tore his dew claw this morning and I had to take him to the evil doctor’s office.

How is it that we feel so guilty when we put our bundle of ecstatic dog fur in our car, and they think they are going somewhere REALLY FUN !  And you pull into the Vet’s office and immediately their head and tail droops and they slink into the waiting area.  You would think they are going to the gas chamber…

Then amidst all of THAT guilt, they tried to pawn off the cutest little white kitty on me with blue eyes and a teensy black spot on his head.  10 weeks, they say.  Has all his shots, they say.  No adoption fee, they say.

DIVORCE !!!! I say.

I think I’m going to go back and get him…

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Why Real Estate Agents Will Never Go Hungry

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We’ll Do Anything to Get Them There…..

Ahhhh Tuesdays.

Since I am a member of the real estate community, I wanted to tell you about a sacred day in our world and in most areas, Tuesday. On Tuesdays, if you are a residential agent, you will never go hungry. There is no way a real estate agent should ever starve to death because on this day each week we will always be treated to a free lunch, breakfast, or both!

Tuesdays are the usual days for our  ‘kumbaya’ sales meetings. At these meetings we get information on our local markets, try to one-up each other on how many new listings we have, and stroke the ego of our top-selling agents by asking them the big questions like, “How do you tell your Seller that the Moosehead taxidermy over their master bed has got to go?”.

Vendors trying to obtain our business will often bring a free breakfast consisting of bagels,donuts and free pens, note pads and chip clips. Yes, you will miss swag if you do not attend. And we also pitch our caravans.

In the Realtor world, Caravans are the place where you get lunch, Starbucks cards, lottery tickets, and sometimes cash awards for attending. The most popular, of course, is LUNCH.

I have been selling real estate for over 20 years and have found that there are 9 types of agents who attend these events as described below:

1. The I Only Come if you have Food Agent. This agent will only come to the caravan if there is food, and always asks what you are serving before they show up.

2. The Old Guy Who Only Goes to Caravans to Eat And has NEVER  sold a House in his Lifetime Agent. He usually shows up first, takes large portions, and hits on the women. He is usually a retiree.

3. The Nosy Competing Agent from the Overpriced House Down The Street. Oh, you will get an ear full from her. She will go through each room, tell you how much her listing is better than yours, and accuse you of underpricing the neighborhood.

4. The I Just Got My License and have NOTHING Better To Do Agent. She just got her license because she loves ‘looking at houses’ and her first transaction is to list her own home. Or her mother’s, or her sister’s, etc. More than likely she can’t find a tennis team that will put up with her.

5. The Black Widow Super Agent. She walks in, wearing St. John’s, has sold ‘oh so many houses in this area’, proceeds to tell you she has 3 Buyers for your listing, but you are overpriced. She never takes off her Fendi shades. She also has a great facelift and you wonder who her plastic surgeon is.

6. The Clique Agents.  These folks only travel in a pack.  They show up, preview, hurriedly fill in your feedback form, then proceed to park themselves at the kitchen table and carry on for at least an hour about their life, business, whatever.  They keep getting up to get more iced tea and chips.  They drive you crazy.

7.  The Smell Agent.  This agent has a propensity to smell everything.  The minute she walks in she will ask,  “Do they have a dog?”  or, “Uh, oh, someone must be smoking–didn’t you tell them that if it smells it won’t sell?”  Always in a sing-song voice.

8.  The I have an Interior Design Background Agent.  This agent will proceed to re-decorate your listing and tell you what to re-paint, what to re-carpet, and how COULD they even think to put that table in that dining room.  By the time she is gone you have mentally reduced the price 50K.

9.  The Nosy Neighbor.  Last but not least, this neighbor has shown up with the excuse, “I thought this was an Open House”.  After you explain that it is a Broker Open, she will then proceed to tell you she once had her license in Texas and then look at the whole house.  Offer her some food, though, she could be your next listing!

I still believe in Caravans.  If anything-they are fun, you get feedback for your seller, and best of all, you have guilt free food! Nothing like being able to write off a bag of Lay’s Barbeque chips. . .

Hot Flash Friday – Size 12 is Plus?

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Since when is a size 12 called PLUS????

@poponpop.com

The media has inundated us this week with articles about Robyn Lawley, a 6’2″ Australian model who finally gave up starving herself a few years back and has been working world-wide ever since. Ralph Lauren has hired her stateside to be in their print campaign and ERMAGERD – she’s a SIZE 12!!!!!!!!!!!!  On the Today Show, “So, Robyn, how does it feel to be a plus sized model???”  If she were me my response would be, “Freekin Great–All the way to the Bank, BITCHES!! Gimme that donut!”

HOLY SHIT, batten down the hatches mates, the fat girls are a comin…Hide yo wife, hide yo kids, Hide yo FOOD!

I have read tons of articles that have said that the average American woman is a size 12. And the proof is in the racks at the stores I go to. Check out TJ Maxx, Steinmart, Nordstrom Rack, etc., and what sizes are there the fewest of???? Yep–larges, XL’s and 12 and 14. What is usually the longest rack in the store-the SMALLS. Well, duh.

That’s why I have figured out why Chico’s is such a success. Their sizes run from .5 to 3 ( they are carrying plus 3 now) but on any given day, depending on the style, I can fit in a 1 up to a 3.  Chico’s is like Garanimals (remember-match the tags for a complete kids outfit??) for women. Way less guilt.

WEIGHT GAIN

This is the bane of our existence starting in our 40s.  The first time I did Weight Watchers, at 38, I dropped 30 pounds without as much as a whimper.  Then over the next couple of years put it all back on and then some.  So I went back.  The next attempt helped me shed 17 pounds–I tried the exact same tact but guess what-the hormones were fighting me all the way and continue to do so into my 50s.  Everything slows down and those asshole hormones are in a committed relationship with carbohydrates. So our metabolism slows down and our bodies are rebelling so the only solution is to eat less and move more.  I have tried every decent diet, multi-level scheme, and saved for lipo.  Guess what-it’s simple-eat less move more.  Duh.

I TRULY LOVE Mexican Food ..There isn’t a tortilla chip in the world I haven’t loved dearly

And it settles in your middle. Hence, middle age.  Or as I like to call it – We are mid-century modern.

So, shout out to Robyn! And media, please take the word PLUS out of your intros and headlines.  Because the only thing most of us girls are is FABULOUS!

Robyn Lawley’s Nutella Souffle Recipe  – I knew I loved her. . .

Pull My Finger

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Little did I know that when I married BC (the hubs) 24 years ago that my entire married life was going to be filled with fart jokes, ‘pull my finger’ comments, and hot boxing gas in our marital bed. For 24 YEARS people!

This is a man who can fly a $50 million dollar aircraft filled with human beings across the Atlantic Ocean who thinks that flatulence is one of the funniest things on the planet.  Did you know that these guys try to out-fart each other in the cockpit of an airplane?  THAT, my friends, is why the cockpit door is locked and bulletproof-it’s REALLY smell-proof.

If there is a movie with a crude bathroom scene like the one in Dumb and Dumber-it will make him laugh harder than just about anything. I think the only reason he watched Bridesmaids with me was because I informed him of the scene of the girls at the bridal store. He still has a 12 year old boy’s sense of humor.

I grew up in a ‘That is not lady like” household.  Then I went to a women’s college that served us dinner on white tablecloths and would not allow men in the dorms until the late 1980s ( I graduated in ’82).  I remember a night when me and a couple of my dorm girlfriends tried to light our farts.  Two of these gals were DEBUTANTS–yes ma’am-right from the boonies of the Carolina’s.  One almost burnt her girdle right off her perky little debutant ass that night.

When I had 16, there were so many bodily functions going on during that labor BC had to leave the room.  But when 16 ripped that first little baby toot-he was totally in love.  A girl after his own heart.  Now, she can fart with the best of them.  And, she can burp the alphabet-backwards.  That will definitely be on her application to Harvard.

I just wonder how flatulence became so funny in our culture? In Japan, it is widely accepted to pass gas from the attic or the basement in honor of the chef. A normal thank you. Here? In our Victorian type culture (yea, I still think we are there….) god forbid–the word, fart, has only become acceptable in conversation on television in the last decade or so. And not necessarily acceptable in all conversations.

I truly believe that those women in our neighborhoods, the ones that volunteer for everything, the ones who say that phrase with their teeth clenched when you meet them, “oh, YOU’RE  16’s mother…” and are so uptight and mean, actually need to rip one off or get laid. Or both.  Hard to fart with that stick up her ass.

One of the most embarrassing moments of my life was when I accidentally let one sneak out, on a cold linoleum floor, when I reached forward to turn on a video, at my old boyfriend’s house.  His parent sat there with a stone-like expression on their faces.  We were laughing like you do in church, trying to hold it in, getting more hysterical with each passing silent moment.

Now, with the big M in my life, I experience what I affectionately call the ‘walking farts.’  You know, you are making your way to the kitchen and out of nowhere, to the beat of each step, they just escape.  I noticed these years ago at my mother-in-law’s house.  I thought they were hilarious then.  She didn’t even know she was doing them.  Now they are happening to ME……

It’s also the reason I absolutely LOVE Honey Boo Boo. I knew it was for me when in the opening credit each week the whole family is standing there quiet and nice and June just lets one rip.  The girls all yell, “Mooommma!”  And she turns back around with this look like, “am I NOT going to be myself? That’s what we are getting paid for!”   In all of her wisdom, June also stated to one of her daughters that “if you fart 10-15 times a day you lose weight.” I am BANKING on that right now. Momma June is way smarter than we think.

In a year, I should be down about 40 lbs.  And I LOVE broccoli.

Pull my finger……

My Childhood Celebrity Crush – or WTF Wednesday

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Girl, Look What You’ve Done to Me……@guardianUK

I dreamt every day that we were married. That his friends would come over and hang out and spin records with us. That we would have 3 little children with cute little English accents just like him. . .

I’ve never hated Marcia Brady more as I did on that day.