Pull My Finger

13

Little did I know that when I married BC (the hubs) 24 years ago that my entire married life was going to be filled with fart jokes, ‘pull my finger’ comments, and hot boxing gas in our marital bed. For 24 YEARS people!

This is a man who can fly a $50 million dollar aircraft filled with human beings across the Atlantic Ocean who thinks that flatulence is one of the funniest things on the planet.  Did you know that these guys try to out-fart each other in the cockpit of an airplane?  THAT, my friends, is why the cockpit door is locked and bulletproof-it’s REALLY smell-proof.

If there is a movie with a crude bathroom scene like the one in Dumb and Dumber-it will make him laugh harder than just about anything. I think the only reason he watched Bridesmaids with me was because I informed him of the scene of the girls at the bridal store. He still has a 12 year old boy’s sense of humor.

I grew up in a ‘That is not lady like” household.  Then I went to a women’s college that served us dinner on white tablecloths and would not allow men in the dorms until the late 1980s ( I graduated in ’82).  I remember a night when me and a couple of my dorm girlfriends tried to light our farts.  Two of these gals were DEBUTANTS–yes ma’am-right from the boonies of the Carolina’s.  One almost burnt her girdle right off her perky little debutant ass that night.

When I had 16, there were so many bodily functions going on during that labor BC had to leave the room.  But when 16 ripped that first little baby toot-he was totally in love.  A girl after his own heart.  Now, she can fart with the best of them.  And, she can burp the alphabet-backwards.  That will definitely be on her application to Harvard.

I just wonder how flatulence became so funny in our culture? In Japan, it is widely accepted to pass gas from the attic or the basement in honor of the chef. A normal thank you. Here? In our Victorian type culture (yea, I still think we are there….) god forbid–the word, fart, has only become acceptable in conversation on television in the last decade or so. And not necessarily acceptable in all conversations.

I truly believe that those women in our neighborhoods, the ones that volunteer for everything, the ones who say that phrase with their teeth clenched when you meet them, “oh, YOU’RE  16’s mother…” and are so uptight and mean, actually need to rip one off or get laid. Or both.  Hard to fart with that stick up her ass.

One of the most embarrassing moments of my life was when I accidentally let one sneak out, on a cold linoleum floor, when I reached forward to turn on a video, at my old boyfriend’s house.  His parent sat there with a stone-like expression on their faces.  We were laughing like you do in church, trying to hold it in, getting more hysterical with each passing silent moment.

Now, with the big M in my life, I experience what I affectionately call the ‘walking farts.’  You know, you are making your way to the kitchen and out of nowhere, to the beat of each step, they just escape.  I noticed these years ago at my mother-in-law’s house.  I thought they were hilarious then.  She didn’t even know she was doing them.  Now they are happening to ME……

It’s also the reason I absolutely LOVE Honey Boo Boo. I knew it was for me when in the opening credit each week the whole family is standing there quiet and nice and June just lets one rip.  The girls all yell, “Mooommma!”  And she turns back around with this look like, “am I NOT going to be myself? That’s what we are getting paid for!”   In all of her wisdom, June also stated to one of her daughters that “if you fart 10-15 times a day you lose weight.” I am BANKING on that right now. Momma June is way smarter than we think.

In a year, I should be down about 40 lbs.  And I LOVE broccoli.

Pull my finger……

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13 comments on “Pull My Finger

  1. Bren says:

    Oh my god! This is to funny! I cant stop laughing. Rock on girl! Oh btw, I have mastered the walking farts, peeing and sneezing at the same time, and my pit bull is learning! hehe

  2. Awesome that your daughter can burp the alphabet backwards….now you need to learn how to FART it backwards to compete with her!!

  3. THANK YOU!!! I KNEW that was the real reason they keep the doors locked! Every time I use a bathroom in the front of a plane, it smells like someone boiled eggs in a hillbilly’s bath water. Even if I’m the first one up there!
    I just want to let you know how much I ADORE reading your blog! Although, I must admit – I’m not sure if you’ve made me more nervous or excited about menopause. . . If nothing else, I know what’s coming eventually. You crack me right up.
    Oh, and that picture up top? Totally giggle-peed. Thanks, A-hole!

  4. The mental image of pilots competitively ripping ass in the cockpit is making my sides hurt. Then again, my sense of humor is equivelant to a twelve year old boy also.

  5. “Oh my! Te he! Was that me?” I teach yoga and during my last pregnancies I passed vaginal farts the entire class and yes they were very loud:0 Please come link up and help me empower women every where to fart with the best of us! I AM Project for Women http://dazedandcreative.blogspot.com/2012/09/i-am-project-link-up-for-women.html

  6. Being a woman of a certain age (21 if you force me to answer, but that’s getting harder to pass off as my kids are about the same age as yours) I’d be laughing harder if I weren’t sort of crying. Here from the blog hop. Based on the blogs I’ve visited on this hop it’s a hop for people who’ve lost their minds. Gotta go delete mine from the list….

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