WTF Wednesday – Our Pagans use Golf Carts…

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Year 2 of Dumbo …

Trick or Beer!!

What happens when you take your wee halloweenies out for Trick or Treat on Halloween in my oh so privileged hood?

You dress the pagans up, gather their props and load them in to your golf cart.

Yes folks, GOD FORBID They WALK to their friends and neighbor’s homes to get candy. That they don’t need. And don’t forget the beer for Dad who stands at the bottom of your driveway waiting on the prodigies.

Ok, ok, being a little snarky here.

But come on, golf carts? Little trailers attached to ATV’s. Luxury SUV’s loaded with sugar deprived future tennis stars.

What ever happened to walking UP a long street and ringing a doorbell? Then walking back down and walking UP to the next one? Do we not want little Britney, future pro-bono lawyer to break a sweat in that skanky cheer outfit?

Atlanta is hilly. It rests at the foot of the Blue Ridge mountains. You would be hard-pressed to find a truly level lot and street here, especially in the north end of the city’s suburbs. But after we moved in this area – that of the gated neighborhoods, the nazi HOA’s, swim team moms and tennis fanatics, I have found that our kids today have a tough time negotiating these hills on Halloween.

Hmmm, they don’t seem to have a problem with the hills when toilet papering your home. Or ringing your doorbell then ditching. Or forking and skittling your yard.

And the teens that show up in NO costume.  It’s an Almond Joy for you Dude!  And you’d better say thank you.

This IS the South you know.

I know of some that even gather in their cul de sacs or at the end of their driveways to give out candy.  Makes it easier for the kiddies.

Me?

Walk up my driveway you little mutherf#^!kers!!!!!

I bet I get papered. . .

Happy Halloween!

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I Flashed My Tan Off This Weekend

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Dark foundation all over-including half my bathroom!

It’s hard to be hot mom at Halloween when you are closing in on 53 and are always hot. As in the FLASH kind.

We have a neighbor who has an annual Halloween party every year that just about every one in the hood has been to at one time or another and yes, the adults DO dress up. And because of that, I love this party. Most folks really take the time to think up creative costumes. And the with the amount of effort that my girlfriend puts in to fixing up her house and serving us food and drink deserves that.

Trying to think of a great costume when the only one you KNOW you will be comfy in is the Honey Boo Boo or June outfit (you know, roomy, lotsa makeup, elastic pants..)take up a good part of my October. And those temporary Halloween costume stores are  overpriced. And the freaks who work there give me hives. And, did you notice that all the hot moms get their shit there? Did you also know it is headquarters for slutty women’s and teen’s outfits? I am sure you do.

And it is the ONLY store where I have to buy a costume in a woman’s size. Only. Really bad fucking marketing creepy temporary Halloween stores, really bad.   None of which do not include the words vixen, french maid, officer good body, or beer girl. More like maid, sumo, funny waitress, Baby Bop, kill me now.

So this year I decided to go as the New Jersey Tan Mom-easy peasy–all I needed was dark foundation, light glossy lipstick and I had a blonde wig from last year which I cut.

I was a hit!

Some of my friends really were creative.  One couple was LMFAO, one of my recently divorced girlfriends came as EX Bride of Frankenstein (it was hilarious), One guy came as a picnic table with food on it, there were also 50 Shades of Grey, Pitbull, and Waldo costumes. I had a great time.  Was over served too much red wine (well, I kept serving myself). And was extremely comfy.

Except I flashed all my tan off.

Next time, I am going as a refrigerator.

Tan mom and 16

Enter the Muffin – Hot Flash Fridays

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In my family, my genetic makeup includes, among other things like heart disease, the ability to fart the alphabet, and the ‘party’ gene, the incredible MUFFIN gene.

Yay me.  Because of my heritage of Irish, Scottish and English backgrounds,( a combo of bread loving angry drunks) we are taller in stature and are carboholics.  Hence the harder than herpes to get rid of Muffin top.

And guess what makes it even harder to get rid of? You guessed it.  The CHANGE.

Even in my 20s my little situation has hung around my waistline, protecting me from making bad decisions like piercing my belly button and wearing ab-bearing shirts.  But alas, it has now parked itself for the long haul and the only way to get rid of it, it seems, is probably surgery.  Oh, and I had a C-section.  Those muscles are toast.

Menopause and peri-menopause have made it even harder to get rid of.  Over the years, going to the gym, losing weight, working out, doing a gazillion sit ups and Spanx has made parts of the muffin shrink. But not totally.  As we age, we tend to put on weight in the middle regions that some of us are successful, some not so, in getting rid of.

But not totally…

And, according to EVERYONE that is out there talking about our health-it is the number one thing that can affect your health.  In a bad way.

So, my dears, let’s DEFEAT the Muffin!

What works for me won’t work for everyone.  But I tried this experiment.

During Lent this year – yeah, I’m a Cathaholic – I went basically Atkins Phase 2.  No bread, very low carb, for 7 weeks.  After the first week or so, I found out that it wasn’t really that hard.  As long as I did not go down the Triscuit and Wheat Thins aisle at the grocery.

And I  shed, easily, without much exercise, 15 pounds.  And most of it came off the Muffin.

And Muffin was mad.

And then Muffin got happy again because I lapsed right back in to my wicked ways and succumbed to the evil Bread Witch.

And it came right back.

Carbs, even bread, turn into sugar.  Too much and your body stores this sugar. Preferably around your waistline because, you know, back in the  caveman days we needed it to survive those long cold winters and not starve to death.

That was a VERY long time ago.  Women don’t live in caves anymore.

Well, today, we eat great shit year round.  We have central heat.  So, the Muffin hangs around for the party.

Go low carb.  Anger the Muffin.

And ‘Bingo Wings’ to go with…

Lots of you are doing the Paleo diet.  Which is basically the caveman diet.  Atkins works. Wheat Belly works.  Or just watch the carbs.

And that is hard-they are in just about EVERYTHING.

So I’m going low carb again. It worked for me.

I am going to try and actually live that way for as long as I can.

I need to be around to drive my daughter crazy when she has kids. . .

Oh, and P.S. Vodka has no carbs!!!

Things I Don’t Miss About Having a Little Kid

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Yes, I miss the days when 16 was a munchkin. That smile, that bowl cut, that happiness.

And now that she is a teenager, or as I call it, whine-ager, there are some things I do NOT miss about those little kiddle days:

You’d better get one of these…

1. Halloween – yep-I still decorate, but not to the over achieving style I did when she was little. And I am VERY happy that we do not get Boo’ed anymore. For those of you that have not experienced it-you receive an anonymous paper ghost on your door and a bucket of candy. Then, you have to go anonymously Boo someone else. With a new bucket of candy. And if you do NOT get Boo’ed with a little kid, and they see the neighbor doors with ghosts on them, you have to Boo yourself. Because the mean moms were not so happy about your comment at the last Bunko. . .Just like high school. Bitches…

2. Halloween Costumes. Nowadays most of the girls look like they are out of ‘tramps r us’ and all the boy costumes involve some kind of creature who kills or maims. What ever happened to that home-made ghost costume-you know, a sheet with two holes cut in it for eyes? Wow, have we really complicated this or what?

3. Santa – yep-it’s over. And I admit that was a sad moment when I found out she found out. But our encounters with the mall Santa’s were never happy. The waiting in line alone was tortuous and the questions, over and over, about how come there are so many Santa’s in malls, is this the real one? Was exhausting. And the whole hiding that shit until the big day. And waiting to make SURE she was asleep before we put together the Barbie Airplane. One Christmas Eve, we got so drunk with our neighbors we forgot to put the stuff out. Thank the good lord she is a late sleeper. And putting all that stuff out at 5 am still drunk from the nite before was awful. That was a hangover only 5 Guys, not a turkey, could cure.

4. AMF (adios muthafuckah) Room MOMs! No mom nazi’s in high school. But, there are band mom nazi’s, football mom nazi’s, cheer mom nazi’s, you get my drift. But by this time, NO is a big part of your vernacular. At least it is in mine.

5. Birthday parties–no more scrambling to find a redneck with a jumpy thing to put in your driveway all day. No THEME parties-we had a Princess Barbie party once. I hired this gal that came dressed as Princess Barbie for the 5 year olds and they loved it. So did my husband…I once went to a birthday party for a 7-year-old who got over 70 gifts.  That’s right, 70.  In a pile in her back yard.  It was gross and disgusting.  And, how do you explain that to your 7-year-old?  Nowadays, at 16 they get cars.  The only thing that I am thankful for with this bad economy is that lots of kids are driving ‘beaters’ again and are glad to have them.

Pilot Ken & Barbie ..

6. Play Dates – Thank god I had a couple of awesome girlfriends with same age kids. Never had to suffer through a blind play date. Occasionally we had a pre-school friend over-you know, the ‘Eddie Haskell’ Playdate? The one where the other kid is constantly ratting yours out to you? Teenagers do not invite THAT kid over anymore.  Because they are smart. And WANT to get away with stuff…

7. Parent-Teacher Conferences.  Yes, you do have them in high school in sometimes.  Especially if your kid is under-achieving-then it’s usually with the counselor (don’t even get me started).  In elementary and middle school, I always felt like it was ME that they were talking about.  If you took a look at both me and BC’s report cards from our school days, you would see this comment quite a bit,  “she/he spends time day dreaming and visiting with friends.  If he/she would just focus on the work, they could be such a better student.”  Yep, my kid is doomed.  She received a double dose of the ‘daydreamer’ gene from us.

8.  Extremely dehumanizing early bus times in elementary school.  Who decided that a 5-year-old catching a bus at 6:50AM for kindergarten was a good idea?  I don’t know what it’s like in your area, but after the first week, a then 5 asked me, “why do we have to do this every day?”  Ummm, she’s still asking me that same question at 16.

9. Children’s TV.  Enough said.

10.  Dismal Disney Worldwith a toddler.  You know what? Disney is much better WITHOUT the kids.  Those ads are true.

2 HOURS for 1 MINUTE – kill me now…

What do you NOT miss-let me know!

I love You. Now STOP It! WTF Wednesday

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(We now interrupt our regular funny aging boomer blog for the following message)

I love you. Now STOP IT!

There is a thing called an election coming up on November 6, 2012. At this time in our free society we are able, as citizens, with a few rules, natch, to go and place our own PERSONAL vote for who we want to see lead our country. Remember, I said personal.

With the advent of social media, people have taken to twitter and Facebook and more to post rants and their personal views on particular candidates in the hopes that it may change my mind. With this being National Anti Bullying month, I think the same applies for political rants. You are bullying our candidates. You are bullying your friends. You are bullying me. Just stop it.

Elections bring out the worst in many people. Families get divided, friends start not speaking to each other. And I am tired of it.

And through time it hasn’t changed much.  But social media has made it more blatant.  You complain that you police your kids on SM, how about policing yourself?  Uh, lead by example?

We need to influence with facts.  And responsible and respectable conversation.

Understand that many cannot even agree on what is the best flavor of ice cream.  Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry.  So they made Neapolitan. . .

Does the toilet paper go over or under the roll?

Who cares?  I care who leads our country.  And whomever wins I will respect. I may not like it, but that’s life.

So, stop it.  Thanks.

One of the funniest Newhart sketches EVAH!