I Flashed My Tan Off This Weekend


Dark foundation all over-including half my bathroom!

It’s hard to be hot mom at Halloween when you are closing in on 53 and are always hot. As in the FLASH kind.

We have a neighbor who has an annual Halloween party every year that just about every one in the hood has been to at one time or another and yes, the adults DO dress up. And because of that, I love this party. Most folks really take the time to think up creative costumes. And the with the amount of effort that my girlfriend puts in to fixing up her house and serving us food and drink deserves that.

Trying to think of a great costume when the only one you KNOW you will be comfy in is the Honey Boo Boo or June outfit (you know, roomy, lotsa makeup, elastic pants..)take up a good part of my October. And those temporary Halloween costume stores are  overpriced. And the freaks who work there give me hives. And, did you notice that all the hot moms get their shit there? Did you also know it is headquarters for slutty women’s and teen’s outfits? I am sure you do.

And it is the ONLY store where I have to buy a costume in a woman’s size. Only. Really bad fucking marketing creepy temporary Halloween stores, really bad.   None of which do not include the words vixen, french maid, officer good body, or beer girl. More like maid, sumo, funny waitress, Baby Bop, kill me now.

So this year I decided to go as the New Jersey Tan Mom-easy peasy–all I needed was dark foundation, light glossy lipstick and I had a blonde wig from last year which I cut.

I was a hit!

Some of my friends really were creative.  One couple was LMFAO, one of my recently divorced girlfriends came as EX Bride of Frankenstein (it was hilarious), One guy came as a picnic table with food on it, there were also 50 Shades of Grey, Pitbull, and Waldo costumes. I had a great time.  Was over served too much red wine (well, I kept serving myself). And was extremely comfy.

Except I flashed all my tan off.

Next time, I am going as a refrigerator.

Tan mom and 16


9 comments on “I Flashed My Tan Off This Weekend

  1. Brilliant! And what IS with those stores and their slutty costumes?

  2. rebecca2000 says:

    Love it! I HATE the costumes now. You know, I seriously went shopping for one the other day. I went to a huge party for my girlfriend that turned 50. I was going to go as snow white. They only had Snow White in slutty-doesn’t-respect-herself-enough-so-she-stands-on-the-street-corner way. I am writing about this for tomorrow I think.

  3. Ha! I LOVE it. This year, I went as a binder full of women. Believe it or not, several people didn’t get the reference. Sounds like you went to the kind of party I’d like to frequent.

  4. Gail Moore says:

    Ah, the slutty halloween costume….when did this become the norm? I’m with you sista. My favorite costume I’ve seen this year. A woman took an old set of grey window blinds, numbered the slats 1-50 and went as 50 shades of grey, cut a hole in the middle and put it over her head. Plenty of room for elastic waist pants and a black turtleneck. Now THAT is my kinda of costume!!

  5. Wow, I wish I’d been invited to such fun parties! These costumes all sound like a hoot! Creativity abounds here, Mary Anne! Will try to remember these ideas for next year. And Laura, I would have loved your costume–and I’m usually at the same kind of party, where no one would get that joke.

  6. chrisannrowe says:

    Hysterical – please write a book:)

  7. imnotasupermom says:

    Brilliant costume. Love hearing about creative and non-sexy costumes.
    Don’t put yourself down. I think you look great. I’d kill to have legs as good as yours!

  8. The last time I had to show up in costume came as a surprise. It was recently, at a conference, and I didn’t get the memo! But though the conference was only 2 days, I also couldn’t decide among my 8 pair of shoes and boots. So while I brought few clothes, I dragged all footwear along with me. (Hey, a girl needs a hobby!)

    It turned out the theme of the costume party was to come as a superhero or your superpower. Well hell. I strung all my stilettos and peep toes on ribbon and drapped them all over me! I went covered in shoes! A little heavy, but a costume that suited me.

    No tanning required. Go figure…

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