A Lazy White Woman’s Thanksgiving Instructions

The Sound of Music (film)

The Sound of Music (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In reality, the whole turkey thing can be stressful and expensive.

You cook ALL DAY long and then it’s GONE in 20 minutes!

How anticlimactic is that? Then you spend one HOUR washing all the freekin dishes.

It's Mashed Potato Time

It’s Mashed Potato Time (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So, I am going to give you my version of my Lazy White Trash Thanksgiving Meal.

You can totally subvert this and call your local grocer and they will do it all for you. Mine will do it for a mere $59 bucks. Order by Tuesday nite!  You get a small turkey, cornbread stuffing, green beans and mashed potatoes in not-so-big containers.  Family of 4 max, with eating disorders, like anorexia.

OR, you can do it for so much less than that and follow this plan:

Step 1: Sleep in Thursday morning. Eat bowl of Trix, drink coffee and turn on the Parade. Be thankful you are not freezing your ass off in Manhattan at a parade, with snot nosed children, behind the really obnoxious large family in the ‘I’m with Stupid’ sweatshirts, and staying in an overpriced hotel room.

Step 2: Take boneless turkey breast you bought the day before for 9 bucks and thawed overnight and put it in a Crock Pot with one can of orange juice, cranberry juice or beer. Your choice! Cook on high if it’s after 11, which it probably is by now.

Step 3: Watch Bravo Marathons all afternoon eating chips and Deans French Onion Dip. Great Appetizer! Get out box of Franzia wine.

Step 4: At about 4 pm, toss in those little carrot thingies, couple of small onions and potatoes cut up. Get out your can of green beans, jar of turkey gravy, box of Stove Top Stuffing and canned cranberry sauce. Also your store made pumpkin pie and don’t forget to thaw that cool whip! If you are a mashed potato person, get that baby in the microwave.

Step 5: Yell at hubs and kids to come on down and eat. Get out the Chinet. It is, after all, Thanksgiving.

Step 6: Enjoy . Return to couch, stick hand in front of your pants or unbutton top button and return to your marathon, or ball game.

Cost?? I bought all items at Target today and my cost was $24.64 At the last-minute I added dinner rolls for $1.89

Time?? Waiting on Crock Pot 4-6 hours

Labor?? Opening cans, opening bags and cutting potatoes and onions, and making hung over teenagers clean up (which is basically tossing all in trash bag).

Savings??  Over HALF Bitches!

Sit back, relax, crank the sound on your TV when The Sound of Music comes on Thursday night.  You deserve it…


18 comments on “A Lazy White Woman’s Thanksgiving Instructions

  1. First of all, I want to hang with you on Thanksgiving. Second, you left out wine/cocktails. These are expensive, so all the more reason to cheap it out on the menu. Bravo!

  2. jnine0712 says:

    This was great and my wallet would thank you if I was the one hosting, lol!! My MIL is though and she goes all out. I think the woman was Julia Child in a past life, lol!! thank god for it though, because I can do a cheap dinner too like nobody’s business, but the whole spread that is a different story all together!!

  3. I still go to my moms on TG…I’m only responsible for pie! So I’m gonna eat the trix, watch the damn parade and I’ve the river and thru the woods B.S!

    I’m not a fan of hollar days:)

  4. Bren says:

    Last year the hubs and I went to the casino for dinner, then spent a few bucks. I totally missed having turkey leftovers for those scrumptious sandwiches so this year I’m cooking. Big turkey, dressing, all the fixin’s just for the hubs, me, and the furchild. 🙂

  5. Or get a load of this–I am a vegetarian, I spend all day cooking a meal that I don’t eat and then I spend the next 2 hours cleaning up–Yikes!

  6. Stacy Harris says:

    This was too funny. I actually like to cook but I never actually get to do it for Thanksgiving. Call me crazy but I actually will buy a turkey and make Thanksgiving dinner again for just my family… but I like your style! It seems super easy and affordable! 🙂

  7. flemily says:

    I WISH I had the nerve to have a Thanksgiving like that because I HATE to cook! Luckily, my husband likes to play chef and if he didn’t, I’d be all over your version of Turkey Day…Have a good one!

  8. ttoombs08 says:

    My guys are getting chili cheese dogs for thanksgiving dinner this year! 🙂 Well, ok…we’re packing Thursday and getting the hell outta Dodge on Friday, so there is NO WAY I was gonna bust out a big meal. If they want turkey, they can get a Stoffer’s frozen dinner. 🙂

  9. Ooo! I like this plan! This is my husband’s and my first Thanksgiving together, and I’ve never had to do anything like big, huge meals. I love the crockpot idea!

  10. The Sound of Music sounds like the b est part!!

  11. I love this and I can’t wait to try the turkey! Thanks for helping all of us cooking-impaired people.

  12. […] A Lazy White Woman’s Thanksgiving Instructions (forever-51.com) […]

  13. lisavail says:

    Stop it! You kill me, woman. I think I just peed a little from laughing so hard!

  14. […] A Lazy White Woman’s Thanksgiving Instructions (forever-51.com) […]

  15. Kate Hall says:

    If I were the one preparing T-giving dinner, I would totally do this.

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