I want some vials of Botox for New Years….

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Sung to the Tune of...

Sung to the Tune of…

I want some vials of Botox for New Years
Only some real Botox will do
Don’t want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy
I want a frozen forehead to play with and enjoy!

I want a shot of collagen for New Years
I don’t think Doctor Time will mind, do you?
He won’t have to use, our dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door,
that’s the easy thing to do!

I can see me now on New Years morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a Dermo Doctor standing there!

I want to melt the muffin for New Years
Only flatter abbies will do
No Jenny Craig, no Weight Watcher crap
I only like potatoes
And potatoes like me too

Mom says the cost would eat me up, but then
BC says it’s a waste of cash
(Short Music Interlude)
There’s lots of room for BC  in our dirty-car garage
I’d feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage!

I can see me now on New Years morning,
creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a Pool Boy standing there!

I want some vials of Botox  for New Years
And some Juviderm will do
No baggy chin, or sleepy eyes and lines
I only like hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me too!

Happy 2013!

hippe.jpg

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2012 – Our Year End Letter!!

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Since it is the end of the year and I am a NOT an organized make-up wearing to the grocery store wife and mom, I’ve decided to compose my annual Christmas Letter here. That way all of you can see how fun and dysfunctional the Mermaid fam is. So here ya go:keepcalmsanta

Dearest Friends, Family and Head Injured People with weird search terms on Google:

2012, adios muchachos!   Oh, we had some good times and fun moments, but we also have a teenager so they are fleeting at best.  As you probably have noticed, not many of your friends with teens have sent out their annual letters because by this time, little Princess or Prince may not be so royal as they were before the age of 12.  At best they are on track to graduate from high school and be out of the house by the age of 26.

17 is kinda a Junior in high school.  When she was 16 she had mono, recurring sinus infections, and continual tonsilitis.  Turns out the local public high school does not give a crap about  health, only attendance.  So we decided on a home school option that is working. Don’t have a heart attack. I AM NOT A HOME SCHOOL MOM.  (I bet you were really worried for a moment there, huh?)I gave away those Laura Ashley dresses a decade ago and I have short, highlighted hair.  This is a program where she does attend a private school in Roswell that keeps their thumb on her and lets her work at her pace.  Which actually is pretty fast.  She is finishing up one sophomore class and working on junior classes now.  She is still riding horses occasionally, bringing home stray animals, and had a job this summer life guarding.  Yep, passed the Red Cross test but has a problem understanding transitive verbs. Like those are going to help her later in beauty school…She has ended the year happy, healthy and loving Lily Pulitzer so for that, I am thankful. And broke.card

BC-still flying. International, mostly to South America and Nigeria.  Wow, makes me want to go to Africa-you get you very own armed body-guard! In South America he enjoys walks on the beach. I wonder why…

He is really in to his blender.  Puts all kinds of strange vegetables and fruits in it.  Makes me one too.  Who needs Ex-Lax when you have a Vitamix?  Still a rabid Florida fan, he went to his annual fraternity reunion in Gainesville this year affectionately called the “Creepy Old Man” weekend by younger members of the frat.  He hasn’t played much golf, but he does walk daily with his headphones on listening to the crazies on the conservative local radio station.  If he starts wearing white socks with his black Teva’s please check him into Sunrise Living down the street.

BC also finally relented and bought new filters for the swimming pool.  Green was not a good color for the pond that you SWIM in.  And our neighbors thanked us.

My year has been full of ups and downs, but mostly ups!  I was working full-time until August. I’ve always known and preached this, but you can’t have it all. At least I can’t. Working full-time, teenagers, husbands, dirty homes and trying to exercise and enjoy friends is an impossibility for me.  I’ve never claimed to be organized but this about put me over the edge.  Trust me, it’s easier to work when they are babies and toddlers than it is when they are teenagers…F51logo260

I am still selling real estate – have 3 new listing coming up after the new year and have the most fabulous horse farm listed in the Alpharetta, GA area.  I have also joined one of Atlanta’s most successful real estate teams, The Frye Group! I have known Teri for years and her systems and reputation are second to none.  This gives me the ability to list and have the best support for resources and marketing for my clients.  Real Estate today is NOT like it was when I got my license in 1992.

Find Me on Amazon!

Find Me on Amazon!

I’ve always had a real estate blog, but after encouragement from friends-one in particular that dragged me to a blogging class, I started this blog in June of this year. It’s one of the best, if not controversial decisions I made this year.  I am trying to stay true to my voice.  Many of you who know me know that sometimes I can have a bit of a filter problem.  But that’s what makes me who I am.  I have always been a ‘tell it like it is’ person. I tend to get all tongue-tied when I try to dodge the proverbial bullet.  What you see is what you get.  Take it or leave it. My favorite blog title this year was I Love my Friends, or, A Vagina and a Glue Gun. So there (sticking tongue out).

bloggeridollogo postelection2-275x200-1

Because of this journey in the past six months I have had the opportunity to be featured on BlogHer (the country’s leading Blogging for Women news and writing platform) twice, I have been included in two Huff Post articles, out of 200 bloggers that entered, I was selected to be in the top 13 of the Blogger Idol contest this fall, been included in a book on Amazon (yea, suck it haters…) meet Ree Drummond of The Pioneer Woman fame, met some other big time bloggers in person, was invited to be on Anderson Cooper Live with other mom bloggers after the election, and have some new and exciting projects planned for the new year. Who knows where this is going to take me but I am in for the ride! Hot Flashes RULE…

Travel-well, we are an airline family. But this year we stayed closer to home, mainly because of work but we did venture to Orlando, Jacksonville, St Augustine, NYC, Asheville (my visit with my CHS YaYa’s…), and my 30 year college reunion. We spent last Christmas with my sister Jenny in Germany and were supposed to spend this year in Paris but people are buying airline tickets (which is a good thing) and we got left at the airport (which is a bad thing) when BC went off to gay Paree for the holiday.  It was nice and quiet here and my buddies took are of us with copious amounts of food and wine.

Oh, and I am still taking lots and lots of photos. You can visit them on my Flickr stream below!

To accept whatever comes, regardless of the consequences, is to be unafraid -- John Cagle

To accept whatever comes, regardless of the consequences, is to be unafraid — John Cagle

Since we survived the Mayan thing this month we are now able to wish everyone a  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Oh, and Honey Boo Boo starts back up on January 7th. See, we HAVE Been Left Behind….here-comes-honey-boo-boo-alana-august-2012

Hot Flash Friday

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It’s the last Hot Flash Friday of 2012 and I wanted to leave you with something that cracked me up.
And every one of these requests is totally reasonable too…

This is not a sponsored post-in fact I grabbed it from You Tube after I watched it on Menopause Matters .

May 2013 bring you peace, happiness and mild hot flashes!

I think I was Left Behind…

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I still haven’t sent out any Christmas Cards yet this year. Better hurry, I have 6 days left. I do have one made up but I’m not so excited about it. I tried to get one of just the dogs in their holiday garb and it was too hard to hold the bacon in one hand and the camera in the other and keep them from biting my hand off. Here is the result:

doggies

But, we are on our way to 2013 and survived the apocalypse. Whatever THAT was. I do think 17 was hoping for a reprieve from school, but the joke’s on her!

Maybe we’ve been left behind.

I even took a shower.  Put on a bra. And they STILL didn’t include me. So I guess it didn’t happen.

And, Big Momma’s still here-they would have definitely taken her with.  She still makes me feel guilty about going to church.  But that’s her job.

So, back to our Christmas.

I live in an area of Atlanta where the kids go on mission trips in the first class section of Delta, get sub woofers for their new BMW’s and take pictures of their haul of Tory Burch and Michael Kors and put them on Instagram. As a friend of mine stated yesterday, obviously we didn’t get the message…

I grew up in a family that never made a huge deal out of the holidays, gift-wise. We got our bikes, Barbie’s, Easy Bake Ovens(and now they are gender neutral??? Do you really want your child to learn how to bake a cake with a LIGHTBULB???REALLY???) and Mickey Mouse watches like everybody else. In high school we typically got the requisite nightgown, ONE LP (Yes– Frampton Comes Alive!) and a pair of Levi’s cords. We thought we were doing pretty good with that. Then, on Christmas night after we had dinner with our families we headed to a local friend’s barn garage were upstairs we would listen to those LP’s and drink copious amounts of beer (the drinking age was 18). We walked home. The local cops would sometimes give us a ride.
I was really lucky to have lived in that small New Jersey town as a teenager.

You want to feel like a crappy parent? Don’t get your teen a car, a MK bag, an iPhone, an iPad, or fancy camera for Christmas.  But I confess, 17 asked for some Lily Pulitzer and after a couple of years of shopping  in the skank section of the mall I acquiesced.  I was so happy to go in to that store and buy that crap you have no idea! My baby is growing up.  Now, I need to be able to afford J Crew

We still do a quiet holiday here.  Though 17 would like to have more stuff to open.  And we were supposed to go on a trip with BC (the hubs, the pilot) to Paris.  Since  THAT didn’t happen, we hung here, ate at friends homes, and watched movies on the tube.  And, since BC has been texting me pictures of the Eiffel tower – 3 yesterday and a video – I think I am going to short sheet his side of the bed tonight and make my way to the shoe store to make myself feel better.

Notre Daem Cathedral Christmas Eve @BC

Notre Dame Cathedral Christmas Eve @BC

Merry Christmakuhzaa from the Mermaid!

Dirty Dirty Santa…Parties

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I normally post about five times a week. After last week, especially Friday, the wind was totally sucked out of my sails and then I had to work all weekend. Which was good for me as I am much happier busy than idle. I had time to think of some funny for you so after much research-here are my ideas for that fun Dirty Santa or White Elephant Christmas party you have to go to!

These are the parties that you go to where you choose a number, then choose a gift, unwrap it, look excited then trade it for something you like better.  Stealing the popular gift can make enemies. There are rules :  1.  Never steal the cute holiday plate set from the top sales agent in the office.  Especially if you are new.  2.  Never steal the bottle of Grey Goose and Makers Mark from the nicest agent in the office, especially if you are a vendor visiting the party and brought a crappy vendor logo cooler no one wants. 3.  If you hate your gift, don’t keep yelling about it and begging people to take it.  This is obnoxious, and makes the giver of that crappy gift feel even crappier.  4.  Even though they usually have one or two extra gifts for the losers who forget to bring one and want to participate, at the very least drop a $10 in the bucket and you will be good.

There is always one or two that are NOT white elephants that everyone is jonesing for. Usually brought by the most insecure person in the room looking for validation and more friends. I call them the Dirty SantaHOLES. They make you feel bad that you wrapped up that Claxton Fruit Cake in reused Christmas tissue paper when they brought the designer tree skirt everyone is stealing from everyone in the room. So let’s get creative!

What I found this week:

FARTING SANTA

Christmas Toilet Seat

I've ALWAYS wanted to sit on santa's face...eBay

I’ve ALWAYS wanted to sit on santa’s face…eBay

Santa Troll Doll

Nothing like a TROLL that ends up under your tree

Nothing like a TROLL that ends up under your tree

Penis Pasta

Ahhhhh, ALFREDO!

Ahhhhh, ALFREDO!

I Love My Vibrator Coffee Cup

Now, ALL your coworkers will know! Avail on eBay

Now, ALL your coworkers will know! Avail on eBay

Men’s Christmas Thong

Get that Elf off your shelf and into your boudoir!

Get that Elf off your shelf and into your boudoir!

Monkey Butt Powder

Available at Amazon...

Available at Amazon…

Lady Gaga Singing Tooth Brush

There are just no words...

There are just no words…

I went to one of these events yesterday at my office. Since it was co-ed, the case of Guinness beer (along with a framed photo of the gifter) was the big hit.  There were also some people who took ‘dirty’ Santa literally.  There was a Fifty Shades of Grey CD, a sex board game, a mask and whip set, and sanitary booties. Okay….

I’m thinking there was a theme here…

Happy gift giving, from the Mermaid!