Who Needs an Elf When You Have Teenagers?


I was remarking the other day about how happy I was that I missed the whole Elf on the Shelf crap by a couple of years.

I spoke too soon.

Who needs an Elf when you have Teenagers?

After a lovely wine induced sleep last night I slowly emerged from my cocoon and walked downstairs to start my morning ritual of picking up dog poop on my expensive wool dining room rug and fixing a cup of coffee.  As I entered the kitchen that I left relatively picked up last night, I was greeted by this scene:

Hoarders-Teen Edition...

Hoarders-Teen Edition…

What looks like a frat house kitchen after an SEC win was created by two teenagers last night.

I can’t show you the sink.  I have boundaries.

1 large Chicago style pizza eaten by 2 – yes 2 teens, cans of soda, a box of Cheezits, Trix cereal, ice cream,tortilla chips,  and an empty bag of MY milky way dark chocolates! HOW DARE THEY!!!

As they go from cute tweens to full on teen they lose the ability to put things in places that you provide for them.  Like dishwashers, sinks, trash cans and washing machines.  Oh, they can do a molecular conversion in chemistry, they can figure out parallelograms in algebra, they can win the state Lacrosse championship, but they CANNOT find the motherfuckin’ trashcan!

We cut them slack because science tells us that they brains are not formed until the age of 24.  And we are so concerned about their self-esteem, their performance in school, their SAT scores that we forget to remind them that even they have a BASIC responsibility to live like a human being and respect their environments. Like the one that me and her dad have worked so hard to provide with the designer clothes, UGG boots, Juicy purse and nice home.  With a pool.

As I remember-there is no college course on how to hire a cleaning lady.  But there ARE colleges that you can pay to have their laundry done. Seriously, and pay for maid service.

Uh, NO.  Any parent that pays for that should be arrested.  You should be put away in a prison that makes you do teenage laundry and fish thong underwear out of the bottom of the washer for the rest of your natural born life.

Who thought of this Elf doing cute messy shit and tricks in your home at night anyway? I  hear she lives here in Atlanta – if she was smart she better move because I am going to send some teenagers to HER house to spend the night and trash HER kitchen.elf on a shelf drinking syrup

Heh, heh, we will see who is laughing all the way to the bank now…


15 comments on “Who Needs an Elf When You Have Teenagers?

  1. imnotasupermom says:

    It’s true!
    Hilarious!I wish I’d written this.

  2. Julie DeNeen says:

    LOL. That was hilarious. I woulda shit a brick too if I woke up to the that.

  3. flemily says:

    That post left me laughing and feeling sooo relieved that it’s not just my kids (9, 12, 15) who are roving mess-makers. They leave wrappers everywhere, clothes on the floor, and no amount of my nagging seems to make them change. Love that photo of the syrup bottle!!!!!!!!!

  4. jnine0712 says:

    This was great and seriously I think the teenagers are way scarier then the Elfs anyday of the damn week, lol!!

  5. omg you’re morning routine is FUNNY. but i’m sad to tell you that you’re already paying for someone to clean up after them – you!!! 😉

  6. That elf would have come in handy. Too bad it’s a couple of decades late for me

  7. There are no words. I lived with crap like this during my son’s high school years. Every so often I’d go ballistic and they’d be more polite…the good news is, they outgrow it.

  8. Laughed out loud reading this! My post tomorrow tells a similar story. Did we miss a parenting class? 🙂

  9. morethanmommies says:

    It’s like they were totally taunting you with that empty milky way bag…I was hoping by the time my kids hit their teens they’d give me a break from cleaning up their messes. No such luck I guess! Thanks for the smiles and for linking up with us at the MTMmixer this week! Great to have you.

  10. Debi M says:

    They do get worse. Wake’em up with a glass of cold water and tell them to get busy cleaning and that You arent their house maid. I used to hide my favorite cookies or candy. Teenagers, especially boys, are like human garbage disposals. They’ll eat anything not nailed down as long as it’s not good for them.

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