I know you don’t get many letters from 52-year-old women, so I hope you can help me. Remember, I used to write to you as a child asking for a Barbie Dream House and Betsy Wetsy? I got that Dream House, but you gave BW to my sister and that really did piss me off. And since I still believe, I wanted a few favors from you.
1. Will you please bring back my 22-year-old boobs? They were all nice and perky and elf-like and really got me mileage. I would like you to bring back those medium-sized darlings and you can donate the leftovers of these bags to other less fortunate women.
2. I really need a facelift. I know, aging is wonderful and shows the lines of your life, but the fact that I like Pinocchio’s Great Aunt with these so-called marionette lines around my mouth are not attractive. I was even asked in 3 different stores last week if I wanted the Senior Discount…
3. Can you make the FDA approve over the counter Botox? That alone, along with legalized pot across our country would wipe out our debt and make us less stressed and cuter.
4. I know you bring the kiddos toys and stuff, but do you do adult toys? I mean a battery is a battery, right?
5. I really need a live-in pool boy. I know, I know, it’s an outrageous request. But we put this pool in our yard a couple of years ago and BC does not like to take care of it. He can be young or old, but in good condition. Used is okay if he’s from South America…
6. Can you bring back Disco? And Funk? Our kids do not know who the Sugar Hill Gang is and that is a tragedy.
7. Can you make a law where teenagers have to go to boarding school when they turn 14 and return when they graduate?
8. Oh, in addition to the boobs, the 1985 waistline would be nice too…
Thanks for all you have done for me and my family over the years. I know you work hard. But you are the miracle guy, so get to work.
Don’t forget to vote for my inappropriate Elf on Baby Rabies page here!