Dear Santa – I Want My Old Boobs Back…


salem1Dear Santa,

I know you don’t get many letters from 52-year-old women, so I hope you can help me. Remember, I used to write to you as a child asking for a Barbie Dream House and Betsy Wetsy? I got that Dream House, but you gave BW to my sister and that really did piss me off. And since I still believe, I wanted a few favors from you.

1. Will you please bring back my 22-year-old boobs? They were all nice and perky and elf-like and really got me mileage. I would like you to bring back those medium-sized darlings and you can donate the leftovers of these bags to other less fortunate  women.

2. I really need a facelift. I know, aging is wonderful and shows the lines of your life, but the fact that I like Pinocchio’s Great Aunt with these so-called 220px-Rappersdelightmarionette lines around my mouth are not attractive. I was even asked in 3 different stores last week if I wanted the Senior Discount…

3. Can you make the FDA approve over the counter Botox? That alone, along with legalized pot across our country would wipe out our debt and make us less stressed and cuter.

4. I know you bring the kiddos toys and stuff, but do you do adult toys? I mean a battery is a battery, right?

5. I really need a live-in pool boy.  I know, I know, it’s an outrageous request.  But we put this pool in our yard a couple of years ago and BC does not like to take care of it.  He can be young or old, but in good condition.  Used is okay if he’s from South America…

6. Can you bring back Disco? And Funk?  Our kids do not know who the Sugar Hill Gang is and that is a tragedy.

7.  Can you make a law where teenagers have to go to boarding school when they turn 14 and return when they graduate?

8. Oh, in addition to the boobs, the 1985 waistline would be nice too…

Thanks for all you have done for me and my family over the years.  I know you work hard.  But you are the miracle guy, so get to work.


The Mermaid

Don’t forget to vote for my inappropriate Elf on Baby Rabies page here!


21 comments on “Dear Santa – I Want My Old Boobs Back…

  1. Bren says:

    OMG girl! I totally love this… btw, I need to dupicate this, alter a year here and there and send my letter off! Now you got the Sugar Hill Gang in my head. You know, my fav station on Sirius if the 70’s and 80’s station. When I here some old school disco, I’m dancing in my jeep! Seriously! BRING THAT SHIT BACK! hehe Thanks for the giggles luv!

  2. Love this post! I would also ask for an effective over-the-counter remedy for cellulite.

  3. cloverhays says:

    That’s the funniest thing yet. I will happily smoke a legalized doob (or not) with you and shoot up your face if you’ll do mine. This cracked me up.

  4. Cute write! I am with you!

  5. Stacy Harris says:

    This was so funny… love it! I should write a letter to Santa as well. 🙂

  6. haralee says:

    What is wrong with that man! I want the OTC Botox too. I’ll even take Generic OTC Botox.

  7. ~Satan.... (Santa.. damn autokorreck) says:

    Dear Mermaid….

    I gave you the Dream house… as practice… a lot of good that did…

    I will be happy to return your 22 year old boobs.. oh.. wait.. your boob are relics and maybe some duct tape would be in order. Much cheaper then a boob job, and the BC will appreciate the savings..

    AS for the other items…. I about pissed in my pants… Just how good did you think you were this year????

  8. I would have sent this to Mrs Claus. She would have understood and relayed the message to her husband. I look forward hearing what you find under your tree this year!

  9. Emily says:

    Love, love, love these!!! Thanks for the laugh today!

  10. Loved this! If we all sent it in, maybe we could get a group discount? 🙂

  11. I agree with the cellulite and if you could get rid of my c-section scar, that’d be great too. otc botox? awesome. how bout fillers, too?

  12. Wow baby – you rocked 1981! I’ll tell you that. 🙂

  13. Love it! You may have inspired me to write my own “Letter to Santa” post in the next few weeks!

  14. That’s so hilarious…I feel ya! I always say I’m having furniture problems…my chest is falling into my drawers;) hahaha

  15. lizbaird says:

    You, Lynn and Muffie… brings back memories….
    looks like an add-a-bead necklace too… those have evolved into Pandora bracelets!

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