Honey Boo Boo-Translated for Non-Rednecks

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You could swing a dead cat and not hit anyone around here that does not secretly like the Boo.

Come on people-you are recording Downton Abby and watching June and crew.  I’ll keep your dirty little secret, promise….

Us Southerners have a penchant for expressions that few understand. But when that AHA moment comes, OUR expressions are the funniest in the world…

Many of you need translation on phrases or words brought forth upon us from this TV show. Born in North Florida, and raised mostly in Georgia, I am here to help.  I come from a long line of rednecks in the deepest part of South Georgia. Y’all…

Herewith are some of my favorite expressions from June and them, with a few of my own sprinkled in:

Forklift Foot:  June had a forklift run over her toe at work one time and it never recovered. It is huge and gross. Therefore she calls it Forklift Foot. In the South, when you have a mangled body part, you name it. Like tater ear, rosey nose, stumpy…

Frito Feet:  How forklift feet smell. This is true. They do smell like Fritos. junebiscuit

Biscuit:  In Boo vernacular, this is their word for vagina. And there are way too many words out there that everyone has to call it other than the correct biological term. My Southern friends have called this Cooter, FiFi, and Virginia. Yes, Cooter is also a proud nickname in the South (Dukes of Hazzard, anyone?). And Yes,they KNOW what it means to nickname someone Cooter. Seriously.

Vajiggle Jaggle: Also used for the lower regions of a woman’s body, especially if overweight

Pregnatist:  Boo’s sister Chickadee. Really pregnant. Really really pregnant. And 17. Kind of like the Exorcist….well, the baby does have 2 thumbs….

Sketti:  Spaghetti. Which they eat with butter and ketchup. We’ve always called it PISSketti in my house. Same thing

Ooo’d: Taking a dump. As when Glitzy, the pig did it on their kitchen table in an episode. I personally like ‘dropping the kids off at the pool’…..fart-honey-boo-boo

Beautimous:  Gorgeous. This is a true word used here in the South for decades. June and them use ‘mous at the end of just about every word.

Smexy:  Loving term June uses for Sugar Bear dressed as Santa. Especially with that wad of chew in his bottom lip.

Sweatin Like A Whore In Church: one of my all time faves-been around a while-guilty is as guilty does- or any one of the women on any Bravo show

Go Go Juice: Mountain Dew and Red Bull. In most parts ’round here we call that a heart attack

It Is What It Is: June uses this phrase quite a bit. And she’s not even on Prozac from what I can tell

Finagly: As June says, ‘I’m not all about them big FINAGLY words.’  Which is probably words with more than four letters

Bam Bam Look: Wandering around in public without shoes on. Pebbles would be proudHoney+boo+boo_15b40d_4167527

You may love ’em or hate’em. But looks like they are here to stay. Redneckonize THIS people!

Well, press my watch, I gotta go drop some kids off at the pool…

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WTF Wednesdays-What’s In YOUR House?

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We are reluctant to reveal dark secrets in families, but I have found that once you get it out there, and release it to the world, you feel much better…

Here is ours

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The above ‘designer accessory’ is on the shelf in the man cave. Fights have ensued before on where to feature these guys, bought in Mexico by a drunk young pilot on an off weekend from the base.

So my answer to this designer accent is this:

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I think she would look great in pearls and a ball gown.

And one day, when I win the lottery, I think I can get a buddy of mine to sell me this:

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As you can see, when you get in midlife, you certainly aren’t trying to impress your friends and neighbors anymore. You are just trying to stay one step ahead of the Department of Natural Resources.

And PETA…

Tickle ME, Elmo…

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Visit Baby Rabies and more for the Inappropriate Elf Contest. This one is reallllllll gooooood!

WTF Wednesday – Our Pagans use Golf Carts…

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Year 2 of Dumbo …

Trick or Beer!!

What happens when you take your wee halloweenies out for Trick or Treat on Halloween in my oh so privileged hood?

You dress the pagans up, gather their props and load them in to your golf cart.

Yes folks, GOD FORBID They WALK to their friends and neighbor’s homes to get candy. That they don’t need. And don’t forget the beer for Dad who stands at the bottom of your driveway waiting on the prodigies.

Ok, ok, being a little snarky here.

But come on, golf carts? Little trailers attached to ATV’s. Luxury SUV’s loaded with sugar deprived future tennis stars.

What ever happened to walking UP a long street and ringing a doorbell? Then walking back down and walking UP to the next one? Do we not want little Britney, future pro-bono lawyer to break a sweat in that skanky cheer outfit?

Atlanta is hilly. It rests at the foot of the Blue Ridge mountains. You would be hard-pressed to find a truly level lot and street here, especially in the north end of the city’s suburbs. But after we moved in this area – that of the gated neighborhoods, the nazi HOA’s, swim team moms and tennis fanatics, I have found that our kids today have a tough time negotiating these hills on Halloween.

Hmmm, they don’t seem to have a problem with the hills when toilet papering your home. Or ringing your doorbell then ditching. Or forking and skittling your yard.

And the teens that show up in NO costume.  It’s an Almond Joy for you Dude!  And you’d better say thank you.

This IS the South you know.

I know of some that even gather in their cul de sacs or at the end of their driveways to give out candy.  Makes it easier for the kiddies.

Me?

Walk up my driveway you little mutherf#^!kers!!!!!

I bet I get papered. . .

Happy Halloween!

I Flashed My Tan Off This Weekend

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Dark foundation all over-including half my bathroom!

It’s hard to be hot mom at Halloween when you are closing in on 53 and are always hot. As in the FLASH kind.

We have a neighbor who has an annual Halloween party every year that just about every one in the hood has been to at one time or another and yes, the adults DO dress up. And because of that, I love this party. Most folks really take the time to think up creative costumes. And the with the amount of effort that my girlfriend puts in to fixing up her house and serving us food and drink deserves that.

Trying to think of a great costume when the only one you KNOW you will be comfy in is the Honey Boo Boo or June outfit (you know, roomy, lotsa makeup, elastic pants..)take up a good part of my October. And those temporary Halloween costume stores are  overpriced. And the freaks who work there give me hives. And, did you notice that all the hot moms get their shit there? Did you also know it is headquarters for slutty women’s and teen’s outfits? I am sure you do.

And it is the ONLY store where I have to buy a costume in a woman’s size. Only. Really bad fucking marketing creepy temporary Halloween stores, really bad.   None of which do not include the words vixen, french maid, officer good body, or beer girl. More like maid, sumo, funny waitress, Baby Bop, kill me now.

So this year I decided to go as the New Jersey Tan Mom-easy peasy–all I needed was dark foundation, light glossy lipstick and I had a blonde wig from last year which I cut.

I was a hit!

Some of my friends really were creative.  One couple was LMFAO, one of my recently divorced girlfriends came as EX Bride of Frankenstein (it was hilarious), One guy came as a picnic table with food on it, there were also 50 Shades of Grey, Pitbull, and Waldo costumes. I had a great time.  Was over served too much red wine (well, I kept serving myself). And was extremely comfy.

Except I flashed all my tan off.

Next time, I am going as a refrigerator.

Tan mom and 16