I Put my mom in facebook jail


Sorry but the Plate should say BULLDOGS

I had to put my mother in Facebook Timeout. It’s what you do when you get a lecture about being online entirely too much by a family member.

This is not the first time we have had this conversation. She was at a family function about 6 weeks ago and my cousins, who are around my age laughed and said I was on it all the time. Now, you know, if you are logged in and not ON Facebook, it shows you as on-line. In my other life I am a real estate agent as well as a trainer for a large wonderful real estate company. Social Networking for agents is what I teach. Over and over again. I also show them how to create business pages and create Twitter accounts. So, I am online like, ALL DAY, mom…..

She is 75 and recently got an iPad. She has become dangerous with Facebook, texting, suggesting apps, and reading CNN all day long. She also creeps on my news feed. She doesn’t miss a thing. Oh, and she is also a real estate agent. Just sold a 700K house. That is more production than me this year, but I digress.

Yesterday afternoon, I called to check in and she started asking me questions about who is sick on my timeline, who just had a baby, and what is this mermaid thing. Then she added–‘You really are on Facebook a lot.’ For the umpteenth time.

Mom, I am 52, have a teenager, been married 23 years to the same man, try to keep my house clean, have a great job, have lots of friends, am not in rehab, and haven’t asked you all for money since 1986.

So, I came home and blocked her. Well, actually I accidentally unfriended her. Last nite. It took her about 8 hours to call me this morning and whine-YOU UN-FRIENDED MEEEEEEEE!!!

I kinda like the term, Facebook Timeout. I had 24 hours of freedom-I should have posted nude photos of myself and stuff but Facebook would have called DFACS and taken my teen away.

Now, the mermaid-well, I guess I am busted. Mom, if you show up here, just be ready to accept that I may use some words like: douchebag, penis, vagina, WTF, FBomb, and my favorite word of all time–SHIT! I will try to enhance my vocabulary and get out my Roget’s Thesaurus to try to find a comparable word but I don’t think that is gonna happen. I may also joke about my religion, my bodily functions, and male strippers. But this is all in fun.

After all, you were the one who told me about the 50 yard douche (water skiing), read 2 of the Grey books, and also told me before I got married that the secret to a happy marriage is this: If he isn’t horny, make him a sandwich!

Don’t forget about nature vs. nuture-my sense of humor is from you and dad (the man who would not pay for the band for my wedding unless they played “Shout“). So now I gotta figure how to bail big momma out of Facebook jail.

I love you, mom. And enjoy…..


Page Turning, Bodice Ripping, and Scandalous

I was having lunch today with one of my best longtime girlfriends-who, by the way introduced me to my husband 25 years ago, don’t know whether to thank her for that or not….and the Grey discussion came up, AGAIN.

I mean, we have to stop talking about this.

Anyhoooo, she is probably one of the most voracious readers I know-can remember and quote just about any book, especially thrillers, and she has had a passion for bodice ripping novels as well. Has a whole trunk full of old ones she recently donated to the local used bookstore and they about peed in their pants when she brought them in and said, “my donation to you for your Grey’s readers.”

And we reminiced about our first racy novels that came out in the 70’s. Our introduction to impassioned heroines, cads, forced sex, bodice ripping, and more. They call them historical-I can now look back and call them hysterical women with heaving breasts who pined over hot, muscled, douchebags who rode horses and carried a sword.

Those novels were Sweet Savage Love (1974) by Rosemary Rogers and Kathleen Woodiwiss’s The Flame and the Flower (1972).

Page turning, bodice ripping, and scandalous!

These were so scandalous at the time, with graphic scenes for the 1970’s reader and they were instant hits.  They were the grandmomma’s of today’s mommy porn!

I remember those books being passed around in high school and we kept them under our beds so big momma wouldn’t catch us reading them. Today our teens just go on the internet into chat rooms and flash their boobs. At least they could do this in period garb for some fun….

50 Shades of…SERIOUSLY?????

OK, we all know what book I am talking about.  The TMI train has really taken off with this one.

I can never look at a silver tie again without thinking about the literary (and I use that term liberally..) work in question.

I just want to know how a normal, frumpy British journalist with two teenage boys and a husband even THINKS about putting this into print. I mean, seriously.

Did she just wake up one day and say “I am going to write a book about sexual domination, research it on the internet, and then put it in print for my girlfriends to read” ? Do you Google ‘sexual domination information and techniques’  and then copy and paste the info?  I once googled ‘reverse cowboy position’ after a girlfriend talked about it after a few shots of tequila and holy crap, was I naive…..and I am hard to shock.

So a coupla weeks ago I downloaded it onto my Kindle. After prodding from both of my younger sisters who devoured all three books in a few days. And I got to page 256, and actually got bored. Yes, BORED! It is a ton of descriptive sex.  A TON.  And it keeps going on and on and on. I must be getting old to be tired of reading all these scenes over and over.

And I haven’t finished it. Yet. The ONLY reason I am going to finish it is to find out what in the female character’s right mind is she doing with this guy? And well, all that contract nonsense.  I guess you can find one of THOSE on Google too.

They have countless stacks of the paperback in Costco.  And, on Senior Day you can get a discount.

One of my coworkers said that it is really a love story. Seriously.

My sister, when she bought it at Books A Million asked the check out girl-“Is this good?” She replied, “Well, you are the only one so far that has bought it with the cover up.  Get a cigarette and a glass of wine before you start it.” Seriously.

Another one of my gal pals commented on Facebook that it has spiced up her marriage. Seriously. On Facebook.

My marriage does not need spicing up.  Just more income and a live in cleaning lady. Foreplay in my house is when he unloads the dishwasher. Seriously.

I have been a horse owner for over 20 years and have all kinds of things like crops, spurs, chaps, lunge whips, etc. and have never thought to use them in any other arena except for the one at the barn.  And getting my horse going on a 90 degree day.  Wow, I had no idea I could re-purpose these things in my personal life.

I applaud the author for her research.  And putting it in print.  And  not seeking world domination when she wrote it.  But she did.  Seriously.