Toddlers and Teenagers……

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asher and jared dancing as little toddlers

asher and jared dancing as little toddlers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Everyone loves lists–but they can be annoying. Sometimes they are there because of writer’s block. Sometimes they are there for fun. Mine is so you will have a great start to your weekend –LOL

So here are MY  TOP REASONS Toddlers and Teenagers are so alike:

They are hard to get to sleep at night–AGAIN

Toddlers have tantrums because they don’t get something they want. Teenagers have tantrums because they don’t want what they get……..

Toddlers love to put things in their mouths. You are trying to constantly keep things out of Teenager’s mouths, like cigarettes, beer bottles, shot glasses, weed, and body parts

Toddlers have lovies like blankets, pacifiers, stuffed toys. Teenagers still need them.  Enough said-so you’d better not tease them or I’ll come and kick your ass.

Toddlers love preschool. Teenagers are looking for ways to skip school.

Toddlers have cute battery operated cars. Teenagers want cars with 6 liter engines

Toddlers love to dress in cute clothes. Teenagers don’t want to look ‘cute’. They will dress in anything anti-cute like torn t shirts, short shorts with the pockets hanging out, FM pumps for the girls and slippers for the guys…

Toddlers love to snuggle with their mommas. Teenagers make you stop 100 yards away from the high school entrance to drop them off.

Toddlers eat with their hands.  Teenagers eat. And eat. And eat….especially if they are boys.

You have to install wacky locks on all your cabinets and doors to keep Toddlers safe.  You have to re-install these locks when they turn 13, as well as an extra one for the liquor cabinet.

Toddlers love to run around naked.  Teenagers like to watch other people run around naked on their computers…………

Toddlers love baths.  Teenagers have to be threatened to take showers, or pay half the water bill if they are girls.

Toddlers go to time out.  Teenagers go to jail.

Toddlers say embarrassing things in public when they are with you, and it’s hilarious.  Teenagers pray on a daily basis that YOU will not embarrass them in public.

But we will, it’s MY turn now……….And it’s gonna be hilarious!

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I’ve Ruined Facebook

Congratulations mom’s, dads, and elderly family members-we finally found something we can keep the teens off of. FACEBOOK.

We WIN!!!! We ROCK!!!! We have found something we can ruin for teenagers–pray the rosary!

According to an article in today’s Huffington Post, analysts are saying that PARENTs are ruining FB and driving the stock price down because they are ON it.
So, in addition to all the other things we feel guilty about while raising them, we have apparently single handedly trashed the fortunes of Mark Zuckerburg, et al because we are on the site.
Gee, wasn’t I the one they wanted on this site?
Wasn’t it the 24-49 demographic with the money they were shooting for?
Since when did teens have all the power?
Oh, I forgot-they rule the world….not only are we to blame for all of their current and future problems-we are now to blame for the demise of Facebook.
Thanks, I needed that–one more thing I can talk about in therapy.
I joined FB in 2007 after I heard about it at a real estate conference. It was going to be the next new thing-that’s also when I joined Twitter. I didn’t mess with FB much for a year or so, and really didn’t understand Twitter. Then, starting about 2009 I started seeing old friends and business associates connecting with me and it started to become really fun.
When 16 was 13, she asked for an account and I set her up–I understood privacy settings and such by then and also the rule that she could not be on it unless I was her friend.

All her friends friended me.  HA – I now knew about almost every detail of their sordid little lives.   And then she blocked me.  She understood the privacy settings too, and so did her friends. And I started ignoring them because of all the stupid photos they were posting of them with their duck faces, shooting the bird, memes, relationship statuses (hell, they can’t even spell that word much less understand what it means) etc.  Then some bullying started and the cool mom (me) became the pissed off cool mom and printed some of this stuff out.  And kept it. And as they got into high school they started dropping off Facebook and found more places to go.

So now they are on Twitter. And Reddit.  And Instagram.  Remember it is the inherent ADD of a teen in social media that FB has not kept up with.  NOT ME!!

So don’t blame me and my great friends on FB, sucky investors.  You overpaid for a site that you don’t understand.

And I hope I can be the next person to invent a social site that teens will use for like, 15 minutes and move on…..

She’s not Psychotic, She’s 16

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It’s a daily thing now. Not knowing what I am going to get when the T-Rex in the thong and Grateful Dead t-shirt wakes up in the morning. Or should I say afternoon.

No one prepares you for teenagers. Or, shall I say FEMALE teenagers.

When I was pregnant 16 years ago, the only parenting book that was worth anything was “What to Expect when you are Expecting”. Which is a tortuous hell trip laying out every bad thing that can happen to you while you are in bump mode. So begins the psychosis-it’s just yours.

Then comes a time, when they are toddlers, and babysaurus has just had a meltdown in the cookie aisle of Publix that most of your girlfriends with teens say-Just you wait until they are teenagers. I was under the impression that by 16, with a drivers license in hand, busy high school schedule, and preparation for college I would have a ton of freedom. Less worry. Yeah, right. What was I smoking?

I was totally unprepared for the hysterical mood swings that start at 12-13 and apparently do not cease until they are 20 plus. Maybe not even then either.

Especially if they are ADD, or are a lot like their mom-ME.

One minute, I HATE SCHOOL. The next, I LOVE my friends, I can’t leave school. Then, I am SOOO FAT! Then 5 minutes later-Can you go to McDonald’s and get me a double cheeseburger? Mom, what are you so pissed about-all you care about are grades! I don’t feel good, I am going to run away, my life sucks, I wish I were dead, I hate my hair, I hate my clothes, I am an atheist now,  I want to dye my hair black….Lock her up, please.

And the universal rant we all hear : Mom, you have NO CLUE what’s like to be a teenager these days!

So, in the midst of these swings and my total gullibility, I am talked into taking her to a therapist. And dosing out anti-depressants, and lying awake at night wondering what I have done to create this psychotic human being.

Then I research Bi Polar Disorder on the internet. That was not a good idea. Because if you do, you will convince yourself that you have a BPD teenager right there in the upstairs lair just waiting to kill you in your sleep.

BPD is a real disease. It affects many people old and young. A good doctor will be able to diagnose and treat this disorder. But YOU are not a professional. Do not self-diagnose your teen. Get off Google now dammit!

The first thing I did was break my own rule: Do Not Be Afraid of your Children!  Uh, self, this includes teens, by the way.

If she had a bad morning-I was worried all day long.  I would return panicked texts.  I would believe just about all the stupid crap that was going on–mean girls, mean boys, crazy teachers, counselors giving her the side-eye, crowded hallways, etc., etc.  I bought most of that with a gold American Express card–hence my gullibility.  Suddenly it dawns on me-am I the one who is bat shit crazy or is she?

In most cases–it’s ME.  I wasn’t afraid of her, I was afraid of her moods.  An insecure parent will create an insecure child.  Guess what? I am insecure. Always have been, am working on becoming not so.  Her happiness was becoming the focus of the household. Not MINE.  We let it revolve around the moods.  Then, the teenager figures out that they are running the household and that is not good.  Unless they can pay the mortgage….

I would not want to be a teen these days for all the shoes in Nordstrom.  Yes, it is different.  In my high school days, if you wanted to bully someone you wrote it on the stall in the girls room. Today, with social media, it’s commonplace for girls to bully on Facebook and Twitter.  Recently, on Instagram, the flood of pics of teens in bathing suits, on beach vacations you were not invited to, parties you didn’t know about, showing off new cars, acrylic nails, and new clothing are just another way to brag, but in a way, they are cramming it down their throat with public pictures with hidden meanings.

So I get it.  But that doesn’t mean your daughter is crazy.  She is dealing with all that crap in a much more public way than we did.  And that is hard, really hard. And it’s hard for moms too.

Today, T Rex wakes up unhappy, in a sour mood, and sunburned from working yesterday:

T Rex:  I hate life guarding.  I’m going to get cancer from all this sun.  I want to quit.

Me:  Just tough it out a couple of more weeks until school starts.  Besides, you like the money.

T Rex:  I guess, it’s just so boring. And I’m tired, and I’m hungry.  I might give my notice.

Me:  (No comment because finally I have learned that if I get into this with her, it’s a lose-lose conversation so I keep my trap shut )

Ride in silence until I drop her off.

(1 hour later after  a small amount of worrying from me that she has given her notice I receive a text–Oh shit, she’s quit and wants me to pick her up)

T Rex:  I’m having a better day because the other lifeguard is HOT

Me:  Well thank God for that (smiley face)

T Rex:  Too bad he’s going to be a sophomore in college (crying smiley)

Me:  Older men are great! LOL

T Rex:  He’s blonde (winkey smiley)

All is right in her world, for now, in The Land of the Lost.  Nothing like a hot male blonde college sophomore to turn your day around.  Cost me a hundred bucks but it was worth it!