Carseats, Crackheads, Turtles and Blow Up Sheep…..

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Tortellini-Home and Happy…..

I have some really, AWESOME, wacky people in my life. And in the past week they have made me laugh on so many levels. So I have to tell you some funny stuff-and no shit, it’s all TRUE:

I have a photo buddy that lives in downtown Atlanta near the zoo. Today he called me in frustration and said, on his way to meet someone for coffee, “A crackhead tried to sell me a car seat. For $5. Really????”  This is also the guy that I have helped on some photo shoots in some dubious spots in the ATL and I have not been arrested, yet………

One of my most favorite funny girlfriends, who ran screaming from suburbia and lives up in the country in north Georgia and rescues wildlife-in Lilly Pulitzer skirts no less….had a missing 155 lb tortoise over the weekend. Named Tortellini.  Yep-you heard that right. She did make sure that she was freshly made up for the TV interview that followed .

Then I have an old high school bud that has her own baking company and lives in Asheville. She started it when she lived in the Hampton’s on Long Island and it’s called Bake Hampton. She let us know the other day on Facebook that she was off to meet a customer, in a random parking lot, to deliver her caramel brownies. He meets here in this  parking lot  to buy a  supply of brownies for his wife every month. In cash. Seriously. That is an addiction like no other.

My office roomie and I decided that we needed to purchase a blow up doll as a joke for a guy who likes to be (ahem) inappropriate, in our office.  Did you know you can buy a blow up doll on eBay for like $9.95??? And a blow up sheep??  With moveable jaws and stuff??? I kid you not–but the best part of the whole incidence was us laughing like hell as we were searching on the computer.  Oh, I also texted her a pic of my cleavage in sales meeting today.  Is that sexting?

I am working on a vlog (video blog) with my Anti-Martha  neighbor and unreal cook, Dale.  So, the other nite, after a couple of bottles of Chardonnay, we started filming ‘Dishing with Dale’ where she shows us how to make corn chowdah (guess where she is from?) with oysters and how to burn store bought mac and cheese (for the kids) at the same time.  I can’t wait to finish the edit-since I do not know what I am doing-and get it on here. Depends optional.

I make it a point to surround my self with people funnier than me.  Don’t you agree?

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Meet Mom’s Facelift!

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<——-THIS is the boyfriend you want your daughter to have.

Dro is 16’s latest BF. This is the great thing about girls and horses.

  • They don’t text each other all day long
  • He only wants kisses and treats like Quaker Cinnamon Oatmeal Squares, and of course, carrots.
  • He doesn’t care what the other horses say about his relationship with her
  • He won’t blab stupid lies and details about her to his buddies
  • He’s gelded…..(thank god…)
  • He’s gorgeous so she can still make her bitchy girlfriends jealous of him
  • And when they break up-it’s usually because she has outgrown him, or outgrown the sport

When you have a daughter that starts in pony land, falls off, gets back up and keeps going, you’d better start saving your money. Horses are not cheap.
I could buy a pair of Italian shoes every 6 weeks for what I pay my farrier.
The amount of vet bills over the last 10 years could have paid for lipo, tummy tuck, boob job AND a facelift.
There is NO WAY you can get out of a horse show without spending at the barest minimum $300 for the weekend.
Equipment-do NOT get me started. Let’s just say that leather stuff is not cheap, saddles have to be comfy and fit them right, and the clothes. Ohhhh, the clothes. Tailored shirts, monograms, lightweight wool jackets, custom boots…………No wonder all my clothes come from Costco. Even my underwear…….

Convincing BC that this is all worth it is another matter.  He’s on board, grudgingly.  It is cheaper than bail, rehab, and gets her out of the house.

My horse addiction started as a tween.  I had a little pony named Boots that was like a large dopey golden retriever.  We would pack lunches and trail ride down to the Chattahoochee River and race on the old Polo Fields on Columns Drive in the Atlanta burbs.  I still have such great memories of that.  And it fosters independence.

Every teenager has to have SOMETHING that makes them feel good about themselves.  Academics, band, sports, clubs, whatever.  16’s happens to be animals. And I don’t feel so bad about all the money–a girlfriend of mine just spent $900 for all of her son’s band uniforms and equipment.

When 16 is out at the barn, a calmness comes over her that is only seen around her horse.  No rushing, no whining, meticulously cleans her tack, hangs out…. and she’s nice to ME.

If I could bottle it and bring that home and spray it on her when she turns into T Rex then I could make millions.

Happiness is a warm horsie — with a new show name : Mom’s Facelift

Too Hot For Spanx

Today is too hot for Spanx.

In fact I think as long as Spanx are in the world us ‘Rubenesque’ girls will be in dire circumstances. Now don’t get me wrong- Sarah Blakely is my hero. She is rolling in spandex pantyhose money and laughing all the way to the ‘toes less’ hose bank.

Teenagers wear it now.  Time for a gut check.  If I have to wear foundation materials under something I own to go out in public, then maybe I should not have put it on in the first place.

This is why skinny women are bitchy and mean.  They do wear this stuff, and they don’t eat, and it’s hot, therefore they are cranky.  I choose to be happy.  And I choose to eat.  Panera. Bread on the side, pat of butter-real.

No one told me that if you wear underwear with this stuff it makes it (your underwear)  roll down and then your situation starts creeping over the waistband and asking for a dinner roll. So you have to go commando with support wear.  Sweat and all.  Makes for a swell day at the office, or mall, or gynecologist.
Yesterday I took  a blogging class with the famous ATLANTA author Hollis Gillespie and Huffington Post columnist Michael Alvear. It”s going to get crazy out here in 51 land . Buckle up bitches……