WTF Wednesday – I’m In A BOOK!

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Find Me on Amazon!

Find Me on Amazon!

I have only been putting it out there since June of this year.
Yeah, I have blogged for the past 5 years about real estate and all that crap but I thought that if I did one more market update or school SAT report I was going to quit.  Lots of crickets are out there in  RE blogland. And I wanted to be funny.  So, one of my girlfriends dragged me to a blogging class hosted by one of my favorite writers, Hollis Gillespie.  I mean, anyone who writes a best seller called Bleachy-Haired Honkey Bitch and Confessions of a Recovering Slut is my kinda girl.  And she challenged me to write, and write for 30 days to see if I will keep it up.

Well, here I am.
In the 6 months I have been pursuing this crazy dream I have had the chance to make some awesome friends in the blogosphere, Meet Ree Drummond of The Pioneer Woman, be in the tweet seats at Anderson Cooper Live, be in the Top 13 of Blogger Idol, be featured on BlogHer twice, included in The Huffington Post,  and now one of my posts is published in a new e-book at Amazon called Life Well Blogged, No Laughing Allowed.

This is a compilation of stories from all kinds of fun bloggers out there-I am in the company of some greats! Order yours now so you can get your funny on.

I am looking forward to expanding my waistline  growing my audience and meeting even more inspiring people.  In the meantime, I am working on a new Forever 51 blog for you that will be bigger, better and more likely to get me committed.

Now, go get a martini.

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I do not Sweat–I GLISTEN!!!

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I don’t flash. I sweat. Large amounts of sweat. So much so, that by 10am all of my makeup has melted off of my face and the raccoon eyes of mascara have begun. I feel like every time I arrive at the office I look like I have been sobbing in the car to some stupid song by Hall and Oates.

Last night I was showing some houses to a family at 8pm in 90 plus degree heat. This is my other form of employment that I have been doing for 20 years. And the AC was cranked in every home we went in. But instead of turning red and feeling the oncoming heat wave, I tend to just sweat profusely.

When I go to play tennis, my girlfriends are all cute and all in their matching tennie clothes and visors-with earrings and makeup on.  ME?? XL T shirt and fat shorts. Because there are no Spanx in Nike dri fit and my ass looks like two cats fighting in a pillowcase in those skirts.  And I can just wipe the sweat off on my shoulder on cotton shirt. No makeup either-hard to hit an overhead when Maybelline is running into your eyes…..

This also happens in winter. It takes no prisoners. So, I am sweating now in every possible place on my body and places that I didn’t even know HAD sweat glands. We are outside looking around the back yard and I start feeling tiny raindrops–YAY- we are getting rain…uh, noooo, those were coming from my hair. Sweat had managed to run down the short hair strands that I have and land on my arm. ARE YOU KIDDING  ME???????????

The raccoon showed up.  I am sure my lovely clients thought something was really really wrong with me. Maybe it was because this was the fourth house we were going to put an offer on, maybe because their teenagers were fighting over which bedroom to have, maybe because the master suite was too small, maybe, maybe…..It was really embarrassing.

No worries, I apologized for my sweaty smelly self and the wife said not to worry, she was hot too and sweating. But she was NOT glistening like me. Bitch.

So now, when I am out and about, showing property, shopping for shoes or stalking my teenager, I have prepared a Flash/Sweat kit that I keep in my car:

  • Case of water
  • Roll of toilet paper
  • Deodorant
  • Hand towel
  • Emergency chocolate
  • Real Coke for the sugar and caffeine
  • Extra pair of undies — I know TMI but YOU be 50…….

I think I may market this soon-Your Car Flash Survival Kit–and if you order one now, you get the Teenage Tolerance Kit (bottle of Stoli and a pack of Marlboro Lights) ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!!!!!!