Meet Mom’s Facelift!

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<——-THIS is the boyfriend you want your daughter to have.

Dro is 16’s latest BF. This is the great thing about girls and horses.

  • They don’t text each other all day long
  • He only wants kisses and treats like Quaker Cinnamon Oatmeal Squares, and of course, carrots.
  • He doesn’t care what the other horses say about his relationship with her
  • He won’t blab stupid lies and details about her to his buddies
  • He’s gelded…..(thank god…)
  • He’s gorgeous so she can still make her bitchy girlfriends jealous of him
  • And when they break up-it’s usually because she has outgrown him, or outgrown the sport

When you have a daughter that starts in pony land, falls off, gets back up and keeps going, you’d better start saving your money. Horses are not cheap.
I could buy a pair of Italian shoes every 6 weeks for what I pay my farrier.
The amount of vet bills over the last 10 years could have paid for lipo, tummy tuck, boob job AND a facelift.
There is NO WAY you can get out of a horse show without spending at the barest minimum $300 for the weekend.
Equipment-do NOT get me started. Let’s just say that leather stuff is not cheap, saddles have to be comfy and fit them right, and the clothes. Ohhhh, the clothes. Tailored shirts, monograms, lightweight wool jackets, custom boots…………No wonder all my clothes come from Costco. Even my underwear…….

Convincing BC that this is all worth it is another matter.  He’s on board, grudgingly.  It is cheaper than bail, rehab, and gets her out of the house.

My horse addiction started as a tween.  I had a little pony named Boots that was like a large dopey golden retriever.  We would pack lunches and trail ride down to the Chattahoochee River and race on the old Polo Fields on Columns Drive in the Atlanta burbs.  I still have such great memories of that.  And it fosters independence.

Every teenager has to have SOMETHING that makes them feel good about themselves.  Academics, band, sports, clubs, whatever.  16’s happens to be animals. And I don’t feel so bad about all the money–a girlfriend of mine just spent $900 for all of her son’s band uniforms and equipment.

When 16 is out at the barn, a calmness comes over her that is only seen around her horse.  No rushing, no whining, meticulously cleans her tack, hangs out…. and she’s nice to ME.

If I could bottle it and bring that home and spray it on her when she turns into T Rex then I could make millions.

Happiness is a warm horsie — with a new show name : Mom’s Facelift

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Help Me, I’m a Hoarder

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Hoarding.

Hello, My Name is MAP and I am a Hoarder.  It’s the next mental illness I need to find a pill for. My family thinks I am an animal hoarder. I reason that it is because I only have one child.

And that maternal need keeps sneaking back up on me over and over. I held a nine month old the other day. Wow-that was like Iwannanotherbaby crack.

So let me introduce you to our funny farm–love me, love my animals….

The HAYBURNER

Larry–First Pony

Here is the deal-every little girl wants a pony.  I did, I had one with a little blue western saddle.  And thus began a lifetime of equine love and eternal poverty.  I have always had this un-relenting love of horses.  I do not know what it is.  And, unfortunately, 16 does as well.  I used to drag her to horse shows when she was a toddler in the hopes that the whole thing would bore the hell out of her.  But with all the extra dogs, people, kids, ponies and hay bales to jump over, she loved it.  We are on horse number 6 right now.   I have put many trainers’ kids thru college and paid for more veterinarian pickups than I can count.

Oh, we tried gymnastics (no flexibility), soccer (cartwheels on the defense line), softball (do NOT throw me that ball it hurts!) basketball (liked the outfit), tennis (too hot), swim team (only for the social parts-meets), golf (BC really tried but the cart is the best part to 16), we tried EVERYTHING. Nope, kept going back to the barn.  I will say that she is a lovely, quiet, rider, who, for some reason, can remember a 17 fence jumper course but not remember to flush a toilet.  Oh well………….

If you value your marriage-keep your kids out of horses.  If you want to keep her focused, not dating, not into shit, then get into horses.  I will say, it is cheaper than rehab. But you’ll be buying your clothes at Costco. I promise.

We have 3 DOGS.  Roscoe, a Jack Russell Terrier with an intense fear of weather, Willie a mixed terrier with a serious Napoleon complex, and Max,  a mixed redneck chihuahua of dubious origin who thinks my Karastan rug in the dining room is his personal toilet.

Roscoe

Napoleon

Kiwi

We have a cat.  Kiwi is a tuxedo cat and at the ripe age of seven, hates the terriers, brings nice presents in through the cat door like half dead baby rabbits and sleeps in my office.

BC has a fish tank.  A gazillion gallon one that used to house some Oscars that started the size of a quarter then grew huge and he had to give them away on Craigslist.  Seriously some chick from south Georgia drove up to get them with a bucket.  Now it just sits there with some sucker fish in it.  It’s gross.  Thank god it’s in his man cave.

16 also has a rabbit.  Named Ollie.  Sits in a cage all day long and watches her play Xbox.

In our past, we have had a snake, a bearded dragon (which I do not suggest Googling unless you put ‘lizard’ after it) fancy rats, a robo hamster, and various beta fish.  My parents don’t like to come visit because of all the chaos that ensues but now that the reptiles and rodents are basically gone we see them more often.

I have to give BC some credit here.  He’s pretty good with all this.  Well, except the horse.  And I get that.

But there is something so relaxing about the smells of the barn.   And when Willie (my favorite) claims my lap the minute I get home from work and sit down to watch the news. And Kiwi walks in from his long day of hunting the hood and says ‘Hello’ (he really does) in his cat voice.

And the joy that I see on 16’s face every time she sees her horse.

So, when other parents get upset that their teens are sleeping till 2 on weekends, I find it a relief. Keeps me from going out and bringing home a rescue kitten.

All the good ones are gone by then.

50 Shades of…SERIOUSLY?????

OK, we all know what book I am talking about.  The TMI train has really taken off with this one.

I can never look at a silver tie again without thinking about the literary (and I use that term liberally..) work in question.

I just want to know how a normal, frumpy British journalist with two teenage boys and a husband even THINKS about putting this into print. I mean, seriously.

Did she just wake up one day and say “I am going to write a book about sexual domination, research it on the internet, and then put it in print for my girlfriends to read” ? Do you Google ‘sexual domination information and techniques’  and then copy and paste the info?  I once googled ‘reverse cowboy position’ after a girlfriend talked about it after a few shots of tequila and holy crap, was I naive…..and I am hard to shock.

So a coupla weeks ago I downloaded it onto my Kindle. After prodding from both of my younger sisters who devoured all three books in a few days. And I got to page 256, and actually got bored. Yes, BORED! It is a ton of descriptive sex.  A TON.  And it keeps going on and on and on. I must be getting old to be tired of reading all these scenes over and over.

And I haven’t finished it. Yet. The ONLY reason I am going to finish it is to find out what in the female character’s right mind is she doing with this guy? And well, all that contract nonsense.  I guess you can find one of THOSE on Google too.

They have countless stacks of the paperback in Costco.  And, on Senior Day you can get a discount.

One of my coworkers said that it is really a love story. Seriously.

My sister, when she bought it at Books A Million asked the check out girl-“Is this good?” She replied, “Well, you are the only one so far that has bought it with the cover up.  Get a cigarette and a glass of wine before you start it.” Seriously.

Another one of my gal pals commented on Facebook that it has spiced up her marriage. Seriously. On Facebook.

My marriage does not need spicing up.  Just more income and a live in cleaning lady. Foreplay in my house is when he unloads the dishwasher. Seriously.

I have been a horse owner for over 20 years and have all kinds of things like crops, spurs, chaps, lunge whips, etc. and have never thought to use them in any other arena except for the one at the barn.  And getting my horse going on a 90 degree day.  Wow, I had no idea I could re-purpose these things in my personal life.

I applaud the author for her research.  And putting it in print.  And  not seeking world domination when she wrote it.  But she did.  Seriously.