I’ve Ruined Facebook

Congratulations mom’s, dads, and elderly family members-we finally found something we can keep the teens off of. FACEBOOK.

We WIN!!!! We ROCK!!!! We have found something we can ruin for teenagers–pray the rosary!

According to an article in today’s Huffington Post, analysts are saying that PARENTs are ruining FB and driving the stock price down because they are ON it.
So, in addition to all the other things we feel guilty about while raising them, we have apparently single handedly trashed the fortunes of Mark Zuckerburg, et al because we are on the site.
Gee, wasn’t I the one they wanted on this site?
Wasn’t it the 24-49 demographic with the money they were shooting for?
Since when did teens have all the power?
Oh, I forgot-they rule the world….not only are we to blame for all of their current and future problems-we are now to blame for the demise of Facebook.
Thanks, I needed that–one more thing I can talk about in therapy.
I joined FB in 2007 after I heard about it at a real estate conference. It was going to be the next new thing-that’s also when I joined Twitter. I didn’t mess with FB much for a year or so, and really didn’t understand Twitter. Then, starting about 2009 I started seeing old friends and business associates connecting with me and it started to become really fun.
When 16 was 13, she asked for an account and I set her up–I understood privacy settings and such by then and also the rule that she could not be on it unless I was her friend.

All her friends friended me.  HA – I now knew about almost every detail of their sordid little lives.   And then she blocked me.  She understood the privacy settings too, and so did her friends. And I started ignoring them because of all the stupid photos they were posting of them with their duck faces, shooting the bird, memes, relationship statuses (hell, they can’t even spell that word much less understand what it means) etc.  Then some bullying started and the cool mom (me) became the pissed off cool mom and printed some of this stuff out.  And kept it. And as they got into high school they started dropping off Facebook and found more places to go.

So now they are on Twitter. And Reddit.  And Instagram.  Remember it is the inherent ADD of a teen in social media that FB has not kept up with.  NOT ME!!

So don’t blame me and my great friends on FB, sucky investors.  You overpaid for a site that you don’t understand.

And I hope I can be the next person to invent a social site that teens will use for like, 15 minutes and move on…..

Advertisements

She’s not Psychotic, She’s 16

20

It’s a daily thing now. Not knowing what I am going to get when the T-Rex in the thong and Grateful Dead t-shirt wakes up in the morning. Or should I say afternoon.

No one prepares you for teenagers. Or, shall I say FEMALE teenagers.

When I was pregnant 16 years ago, the only parenting book that was worth anything was “What to Expect when you are Expecting”. Which is a tortuous hell trip laying out every bad thing that can happen to you while you are in bump mode. So begins the psychosis-it’s just yours.

Then comes a time, when they are toddlers, and babysaurus has just had a meltdown in the cookie aisle of Publix that most of your girlfriends with teens say-Just you wait until they are teenagers. I was under the impression that by 16, with a drivers license in hand, busy high school schedule, and preparation for college I would have a ton of freedom. Less worry. Yeah, right. What was I smoking?

I was totally unprepared for the hysterical mood swings that start at 12-13 and apparently do not cease until they are 20 plus. Maybe not even then either.

Especially if they are ADD, or are a lot like their mom-ME.

One minute, I HATE SCHOOL. The next, I LOVE my friends, I can’t leave school. Then, I am SOOO FAT! Then 5 minutes later-Can you go to McDonald’s and get me a double cheeseburger? Mom, what are you so pissed about-all you care about are grades! I don’t feel good, I am going to run away, my life sucks, I wish I were dead, I hate my hair, I hate my clothes, I am an atheist now,  I want to dye my hair black….Lock her up, please.

And the universal rant we all hear : Mom, you have NO CLUE what’s like to be a teenager these days!

So, in the midst of these swings and my total gullibility, I am talked into taking her to a therapist. And dosing out anti-depressants, and lying awake at night wondering what I have done to create this psychotic human being.

Then I research Bi Polar Disorder on the internet. That was not a good idea. Because if you do, you will convince yourself that you have a BPD teenager right there in the upstairs lair just waiting to kill you in your sleep.

BPD is a real disease. It affects many people old and young. A good doctor will be able to diagnose and treat this disorder. But YOU are not a professional. Do not self-diagnose your teen. Get off Google now dammit!

The first thing I did was break my own rule: Do Not Be Afraid of your Children!  Uh, self, this includes teens, by the way.

If she had a bad morning-I was worried all day long.  I would return panicked texts.  I would believe just about all the stupid crap that was going on–mean girls, mean boys, crazy teachers, counselors giving her the side-eye, crowded hallways, etc., etc.  I bought most of that with a gold American Express card–hence my gullibility.  Suddenly it dawns on me-am I the one who is bat shit crazy or is she?

In most cases–it’s ME.  I wasn’t afraid of her, I was afraid of her moods.  An insecure parent will create an insecure child.  Guess what? I am insecure. Always have been, am working on becoming not so.  Her happiness was becoming the focus of the household. Not MINE.  We let it revolve around the moods.  Then, the teenager figures out that they are running the household and that is not good.  Unless they can pay the mortgage….

I would not want to be a teen these days for all the shoes in Nordstrom.  Yes, it is different.  In my high school days, if you wanted to bully someone you wrote it on the stall in the girls room. Today, with social media, it’s commonplace for girls to bully on Facebook and Twitter.  Recently, on Instagram, the flood of pics of teens in bathing suits, on beach vacations you were not invited to, parties you didn’t know about, showing off new cars, acrylic nails, and new clothing are just another way to brag, but in a way, they are cramming it down their throat with public pictures with hidden meanings.

So I get it.  But that doesn’t mean your daughter is crazy.  She is dealing with all that crap in a much more public way than we did.  And that is hard, really hard. And it’s hard for moms too.

Today, T Rex wakes up unhappy, in a sour mood, and sunburned from working yesterday:

T Rex:  I hate life guarding.  I’m going to get cancer from all this sun.  I want to quit.

Me:  Just tough it out a couple of more weeks until school starts.  Besides, you like the money.

T Rex:  I guess, it’s just so boring. And I’m tired, and I’m hungry.  I might give my notice.

Me:  (No comment because finally I have learned that if I get into this with her, it’s a lose-lose conversation so I keep my trap shut )

Ride in silence until I drop her off.

(1 hour later after  a small amount of worrying from me that she has given her notice I receive a text–Oh shit, she’s quit and wants me to pick her up)

T Rex:  I’m having a better day because the other lifeguard is HOT

Me:  Well thank God for that (smiley face)

T Rex:  Too bad he’s going to be a sophomore in college (crying smiley)

Me:  Older men are great! LOL

T Rex:  He’s blonde (winkey smiley)

All is right in her world, for now, in The Land of the Lost.  Nothing like a hot male blonde college sophomore to turn your day around.  Cost me a hundred bucks but it was worth it!

I Put my mom in facebook jail

6

Sorry but the Plate should say BULLDOGS

I had to put my mother in Facebook Timeout. It’s what you do when you get a lecture about being online entirely too much by a family member.

This is not the first time we have had this conversation. She was at a family function about 6 weeks ago and my cousins, who are around my age laughed and said I was on it all the time. Now, you know, if you are logged in and not ON Facebook, it shows you as on-line. In my other life I am a real estate agent as well as a trainer for a large wonderful real estate company. Social Networking for agents is what I teach. Over and over again. I also show them how to create business pages and create Twitter accounts. So, I am online like, ALL DAY, mom…..

She is 75 and recently got an iPad. She has become dangerous with Facebook, texting, suggesting apps, and reading CNN all day long. She also creeps on my news feed. She doesn’t miss a thing. Oh, and she is also a real estate agent. Just sold a 700K house. That is more production than me this year, but I digress.

Yesterday afternoon, I called to check in and she started asking me questions about who is sick on my timeline, who just had a baby, and what is this mermaid thing. Then she added–‘You really are on Facebook a lot.’ For the umpteenth time.

Mom, I am 52, have a teenager, been married 23 years to the same man, try to keep my house clean, have a great job, have lots of friends, am not in rehab, and haven’t asked you all for money since 1986.

So, I came home and blocked her. Well, actually I accidentally unfriended her. Last nite. It took her about 8 hours to call me this morning and whine-YOU UN-FRIENDED MEEEEEEEE!!!

I kinda like the term, Facebook Timeout. I had 24 hours of freedom-I should have posted nude photos of myself and stuff but Facebook would have called DFACS and taken my teen away.

Now, the mermaid-well, I guess I am busted. Mom, if you show up here, just be ready to accept that I may use some words like: douchebag, penis, vagina, WTF, FBomb, and my favorite word of all time–SHIT! I will try to enhance my vocabulary and get out my Roget’s Thesaurus to try to find a comparable word but I don’t think that is gonna happen. I may also joke about my religion, my bodily functions, and male strippers. But this is all in fun.

After all, you were the one who told me about the 50 yard douche (water skiing), read 2 of the Grey books, and also told me before I got married that the secret to a happy marriage is this: If he isn’t horny, make him a sandwich!

Don’t forget about nature vs. nuture-my sense of humor is from you and dad (the man who would not pay for the band for my wedding unless they played “Shout“). So now I gotta figure how to bail big momma out of Facebook jail.

I love you, mom. And enjoy…..

50 Shades of…SERIOUSLY?????

OK, we all know what book I am talking about.  The TMI train has really taken off with this one.

I can never look at a silver tie again without thinking about the literary (and I use that term liberally..) work in question.

I just want to know how a normal, frumpy British journalist with two teenage boys and a husband even THINKS about putting this into print. I mean, seriously.

Did she just wake up one day and say “I am going to write a book about sexual domination, research it on the internet, and then put it in print for my girlfriends to read” ? Do you Google ‘sexual domination information and techniques’  and then copy and paste the info?  I once googled ‘reverse cowboy position’ after a girlfriend talked about it after a few shots of tequila and holy crap, was I naive…..and I am hard to shock.

So a coupla weeks ago I downloaded it onto my Kindle. After prodding from both of my younger sisters who devoured all three books in a few days. And I got to page 256, and actually got bored. Yes, BORED! It is a ton of descriptive sex.  A TON.  And it keeps going on and on and on. I must be getting old to be tired of reading all these scenes over and over.

And I haven’t finished it. Yet. The ONLY reason I am going to finish it is to find out what in the female character’s right mind is she doing with this guy? And well, all that contract nonsense.  I guess you can find one of THOSE on Google too.

They have countless stacks of the paperback in Costco.  And, on Senior Day you can get a discount.

One of my coworkers said that it is really a love story. Seriously.

My sister, when she bought it at Books A Million asked the check out girl-“Is this good?” She replied, “Well, you are the only one so far that has bought it with the cover up.  Get a cigarette and a glass of wine before you start it.” Seriously.

Another one of my gal pals commented on Facebook that it has spiced up her marriage. Seriously. On Facebook.

My marriage does not need spicing up.  Just more income and a live in cleaning lady. Foreplay in my house is when he unloads the dishwasher. Seriously.

I have been a horse owner for over 20 years and have all kinds of things like crops, spurs, chaps, lunge whips, etc. and have never thought to use them in any other arena except for the one at the barn.  And getting my horse going on a 90 degree day.  Wow, I had no idea I could re-purpose these things in my personal life.

I applaud the author for her research.  And putting it in print.  And  not seeking world domination when she wrote it.  But she did.  Seriously.