Meet Mom’s Facelift!

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<——-THIS is the boyfriend you want your daughter to have.

Dro is 16’s latest BF. This is the great thing about girls and horses.

  • They don’t text each other all day long
  • He only wants kisses and treats like Quaker Cinnamon Oatmeal Squares, and of course, carrots.
  • He doesn’t care what the other horses say about his relationship with her
  • He won’t blab stupid lies and details about her to his buddies
  • He’s gelded…..(thank god…)
  • He’s gorgeous so she can still make her bitchy girlfriends jealous of him
  • And when they break up-it’s usually because she has outgrown him, or outgrown the sport

When you have a daughter that starts in pony land, falls off, gets back up and keeps going, you’d better start saving your money. Horses are not cheap.
I could buy a pair of Italian shoes every 6 weeks for what I pay my farrier.
The amount of vet bills over the last 10 years could have paid for lipo, tummy tuck, boob job AND a facelift.
There is NO WAY you can get out of a horse show without spending at the barest minimum $300 for the weekend.
Equipment-do NOT get me started. Let’s just say that leather stuff is not cheap, saddles have to be comfy and fit them right, and the clothes. Ohhhh, the clothes. Tailored shirts, monograms, lightweight wool jackets, custom boots…………No wonder all my clothes come from Costco. Even my underwear…….

Convincing BC that this is all worth it is another matter.  He’s on board, grudgingly.  It is cheaper than bail, rehab, and gets her out of the house.

My horse addiction started as a tween.  I had a little pony named Boots that was like a large dopey golden retriever.  We would pack lunches and trail ride down to the Chattahoochee River and race on the old Polo Fields on Columns Drive in the Atlanta burbs.  I still have such great memories of that.  And it fosters independence.

Every teenager has to have SOMETHING that makes them feel good about themselves.  Academics, band, sports, clubs, whatever.  16’s happens to be animals. And I don’t feel so bad about all the money–a girlfriend of mine just spent $900 for all of her son’s band uniforms and equipment.

When 16 is out at the barn, a calmness comes over her that is only seen around her horse.  No rushing, no whining, meticulously cleans her tack, hangs out…. and she’s nice to ME.

If I could bottle it and bring that home and spray it on her when she turns into T Rex then I could make millions.

Happiness is a warm horsie — with a new show name : Mom’s Facelift

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What I’ve learned at 50–the power not to care…

Crossing the mid century milestone is a very liberating experience.  It’s what you make of it that counts.  I’ve always been a bit outspoken, some say that my filter doesn’t work on a full time basis. But you get what you get with me.  This list is one I’ve made that best describes me and my madness herein…..

1. If I had it my way I would be on 10 acres with not only my dogs, cat, horses and fish, but goats, chickens, a Jesus Donkey and a Llama named Obama.

2. I hate being cold. But I like cold weather clothing. Which makes a hot flash in cold weather welcome.  My own personal summer.

3. I’ll never fit into my wedding dress again, but who cares, it’s so 80’s anyway.  Big ginormous bow on the back. On the butt. What was I thinking. Oh, and big hair.

4. Other than my family, close friendships are what sustains me.

5. I tend to be on the verge of crazy but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

6. I can spot a fake Louis Vuitton purse in under 10 seconds..pathetic….

7. I have found that if you are doing the ‘big wiggle’ after the age of 50, get a good chiropractor.

8. My husband is my wing man.  When I start looking for a cigarette at a party, he knows it’s time to get me outta there.

9. When, not if, I win the lottery I too, will still work, but I will have great shoes, a great purse and boobs that point north and not south. And no double chin.

10. I am still mad at my younger sister for making the cheerleading squad when I didn’t and oh, for being invited to my prom before me. And being homecoming queen.  Therapy helps.

11.  I want to be on The Amazing Race with my teenager.  I am going to make her do all the gross eating stunts.  Because her eating habits make me crazy at home.

12. I do not tolerate lying in any way, shape or form. Especially about your dress size…….

13. Your teenager does not want you to dress like a teenager.  So just because you had a face lift, Brazilian butt lift, boob lift or other procedure, wearing clothes designed for juniors and looking like a MILF will really piss them off. I know, her friends tell me this. Women over 50 should not have a belly button piercing. This is because I will never see a flat stomach again, and I can’t afford a tummy tuck because 16 spends all MY money on her horse and her hair products..

14. I had more fun in college than any white girl should have had.

15. I love German cars. It’s the only time I can be fast without ruining my reputation.

16. I fill the dishwasher randomly just to piss my husband off.

17. I love red wine. God is good.

18. I flashed REM in 1983. I don’t think they saw me.

19. In 1984 I flew all the way to LA for a blind date. That was a five  day blind date that lasted 4 days and 23 hours too long.

20. I was brought up Catholic. Which is another reason I am in therapy.

21.  I think Dubstep is from aliens.

22. If you want to relive high school again as an adult, just join a ladies tennis team or the PTA.

23.  I used to laugh at the KY commercials. Enough said.

24. I still get my news from the newspaper. I love coffee and the Sunday paper more than church. Nobody better screw with me on a Sunday morning.

25. Mermaids are real. They just don’t have the luxury of buying great shoes….