I Can Justify ANYTHING

12

I don’t make resolutions, I make JUSTIFICATIONS.funny-celebrity-pictures-guardian-angels

Growing up with the Guilt Angel hanging over my head has helped me to learn to make a justification for just about everything I do or not do in life. Guilt Angel also taught me the fine art of sucking up when I had a late assignment in high school, slept through an exam in college, or ran in late to my office (Oh so sorry, I got my period and that really tied up traffic this morning…). So, I can justify not making these resolutions:

More Exercise

Oh Hell to the NO

Oh Hell to the NO

Did you know that people actually FART OUT LOUD in a Yoga Class? As they are contorting themselves in highly awkward positions, releasing gas is supposedly detoxifying your body.  But in a hot room full of people sweating? People pay money for that, folks… No sirree-I am going to downward dog when I get out of my bed in the morning and let BC enjoy the yoga perfume.

RUNNING?? Seriously-where are you going that you have to run to get there? Unless I am being chased by an ax murderer or trying to get to free Chanel Bags at the end of the Apocalypse, I am not running anywhere.  I run to the bathroom. That’s it.

Join a GYM? Uh, think of it this way.  I want some work done on my face. Not a whole lot. But $39 a month for 12 months? That’s $468 PLUS the join fee-Honey, that’s a frozen forehead AND erased marionette lines right there!

Eat Healthy

Oh puuuhhhlllleeeaaase! I am a carnivore. Carbs are not my friends. Oh yes, they text me and Facebook me to come over and play with them and their Pinterest Dip friends.  Carbs are the mean head cheerleader girl of foods. Just remember that.

Tenderloin with a Cabernet glaze? I. AM. IN.  Thank God I love spinach, kale, broccoli, and other greens, especially smothered in olive oil and garlic.

BC is giving up Diet Coke. Well, good for him. I have ONE Diet Cherry Zero every day, and my teeth have not rotted out yet. Geez, the pressure…

Did you know that Fritos have very little carbs?  Cracker Barrel has pre-cut sharp cheddar slices.  Wine is full of reservatrol. Especially if you drink as much as the hubs and I do(we are going to live forever at this point).  Real sugar is better than the fake stuff.  Real Butter almost killed Paula Dean but used in moderation it’s more healthy than margarine. Which is apparently one molecule off of plastic.  Watch out for all those awful frozen diet meals.  They do NOT look like the photo on the cover of the box. In fact, they look very sad after you cook them. Like they are missing something..like TASTE maybe???

Cook it-Then see what it looks like...

Cook it-Then see what it looks like…

Be More Organized

Just what the hell does this mean? More organized in what?  My favorite quote is “A Clean House is a Sign of a Sick Mind”.  And my house is somewhat clean.  I mean, I get the dog poop up off the wool rug in the dining room in the morning and I do the dishes from the night before. Then I vacuum the dog hair off the floor and flush a couple of toilets.  That, my friends, is a clean house!

Hoarders-Teen Edition...

Hoarders-Teen Edition…

BC flies over night quite a bit due to his travels to Europe and South America.  Kinda hard to make the bed with him in it. So that one is out the window.  Oh, and putting dishes and pots and pans away as well as running the washing machine could wake him up and I certainly do NOT want to awaken the Kracken!

Our organization methods involve little piles of shit everywhere. Both  me, BC and 17. And I can tell you within one millisecond, if you ask where something is, which pile it’s in.

Boom.

Stay on a BudgetADD2

Okay. I am trying really, really hard to do this. I really am.  But, because of the serious condition I have (that I diagnosed on my WebMD app on my phone) called Adult Attention Deficit Disorder, I need a bit of leeway on this.  It’s hard to keep track when you are in the midst of a sale at Target and you are fighting the neighborhood Tennis Bitch for the Tory Burch Lunchbox because, you know, we are inherently competitive…do you know how many bags of cheddar cheese I have in my fridge? I even take lists to the grocery and still screw up.

Besides, that last pair of UGG’s I had that lasted me four years? That’s only $30 a year to wear them. Take THAT, BC…

Told ya.

Told ya.

Lose Weight

Yeah yeah. I will. Especially with the coming Zombie Apocalypse who would need to worry about it.  Have you ever seen a Fat Zombie? I rest my case.

I can justify ANYTHING.

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Love Me, Love My Cheeseburger

15

I am really gonna do this.  I am going to order that mofo and feel damn good about it.

The anticipation is building. I’m not feeling so bad about this choice as I’m in the line behind a new Audi A7 with a nice looking gal behind the wheel with a great hairdo. She’s smoking a cig–even better….

We creep up the line until I pass her on my way to the other order box and wait my turn. I am feeling pretty good about this decision. Especially since there is the gal in the Audi and a gal in an Acura in front of me with no kids in their cars. We are sisters in crime.

I’m at the speaker-and she asks: “I can take your order now”

I say-“I’ll have a Number 2, LARGE with un-sweetened tea..”

She says, “First window please”…

I pull up and pass the Audi and the Acura and me and my BMW go to the window, pay my cash and I come away with a QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE MEAL and I am HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!! And I eat that mutherfucker with a passion all its own. Down to the last fry. And not share half with my dogs.

I’d like the fried shrimp, please…..

 

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life. Fat or skinny or in-between I’m gonna be in BIG LOVE with myself.

Over this past weekend, I read some really inspirational, tear splashing, and personal blogs from outstanding women in the blogosphere that wrote about how they are going to love who they are and what they are going to do to  make it happen. Two blog sites that I recommend are GirlBodyPride and InthePowderRoom. These sites are inspirational, funny, outlandish (especially the powder room..) and uplifting. They were created by some of the finest women writers and bloggers out there today. And they gave me such a kick in the ass that I am joining that movement.

Every morning, when I get up and turn on my computer or phone and look at my email, the Body Police on the internet have been pretty busy because I get-no lie-about 6-10 emails a DAY early in the am from all those places out there like Weight Watchers, Prevention, Jenny Craig, Healthy Mom, NutriSystems,Wheat Belly and more.  How to this, how to that, holy fuck I am so confused it’s a wonder I am not in the women’s section yet (but I’m close). What a way to start your day.

At 52, and being overweight, I am also prime for heart attacks, diabetes, gout, knee problems, thinning hair, incontinence and more fun body dysfunction than you can imagine.  I KNOW there is a troll out there that took one look at the picture of me on FB and said–OK, we got another one-prime target–send her the emails of death!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I have found out the hard way that no amount of money in your wallet will fix all that stuff like fatness and unhealthiness, because it has to come from within.  That is the only way.

I am tired of the guilt.  I am tired of feeling bad about eating even one fucking french fry.  I am tired of the comments-you know, the IF ONLY YOU WOULD……

Once the guilt and self-doubt is thrown to the lions I truly think that great things can happen. Even my skinny bitch girlfriends complain about their size.  What has this come to, except for a ton of women of all sizes and shapes unhappy with themselves?  Great.

So yes, I am going to try and improve my health. And no, I am not going to feel guilty about that piece of birthday cake I ate that’s in my office kitchen.

Because if I go every day feeling guilty about something I did or did not eat I end up at a standstill and end up doing nothing good for myself.

Unfortunately, body and beauty perfection is the holy grail of women today.  And what should be the holy grail for women is to truly like ourselves. Warts and all.

Like the Weed and Braids Lady would say “Don’t worry, ’bout a thing, cause every little things, gonna be alright”….

Calories Suck

6

THIS is an oxymoron:

Should I or shouldn’t I?

I AM sooooo tired of counting calories. Calories SUCK. They are units of energy. And I  need a lot of energy to get through my day.

Sooooooo — Today I am going to eat this damn cupcake and drink this can of poison we call Diet Coke. God created Diet Coke to get us through our days. I am tired of people going all “I am giving up diet drinks because they are unhealthy, they make you fat, blah blah blah”. Fine, just you go right ahead. Pretty soon we will be giving up everything and then starve to death because it’s FUCKING BAD FOR US!  Duh.

I have friends who are Food Nazi’s.  You know the ones-meet for lunch, order a burger and fries, and they order the small salad with dressing on the side.  All they talk about are counting calories, what is healthy for you, what is not, etc.

Well, let me tell you my observation:

All of my friends who run, go to the gym, starve themselves, and more are constantly at the chiropractor or orthopedic for broken ankles, shin splints, ruptured discs, you know–

Not fat old me! I BOUNCE! I tripped over a concrete stair in Florida last month that would have broken the kneecap of some of my skinny bitch friends. NOT ME!!!!!!! Got a bruise, and a scrape, but that fat pad on my knee worked pretty well thank you!

Now BC is all into ‘Wheat Belly’.  And you know guys, all they have to do is say they are going to lose some weight and BAM there go 5 lbs. Asshole.  We need to call it what it REALLY is– a FUPA!!

Women do not have big bellies-we have FUPA’s (Fat Upper Pussy Area).  And there are only 2 ways to change a FUPA to a FLUPA (Flat Upper Pussy Area)–Surgery and no food.  There-I have solved your problem.

Have a Diet Coke on me……