Honey Boo Boo-Translated for Non-Rednecks


You could swing a dead cat and not hit anyone around here that does not secretly like the Boo.

Come on people-you are recording Downton Abby and watching June and crew.  I’ll keep your dirty little secret, promise….

Us Southerners have a penchant for expressions that few understand. But when that AHA moment comes, OUR expressions are the funniest in the world…

Many of you need translation on phrases or words brought forth upon us from this TV show. Born in North Florida, and raised mostly in Georgia, I am here to help.  I come from a long line of rednecks in the deepest part of South Georgia. Y’all…

Herewith are some of my favorite expressions from June and them, with a few of my own sprinkled in:

Forklift Foot:  June had a forklift run over her toe at work one time and it never recovered. It is huge and gross. Therefore she calls it Forklift Foot. In the South, when you have a mangled body part, you name it. Like tater ear, rosey nose, stumpy…

Frito Feet:  How forklift feet smell. This is true. They do smell like Fritos. junebiscuit

Biscuit:  In Boo vernacular, this is their word for vagina. And there are way too many words out there that everyone has to call it other than the correct biological term. My Southern friends have called this Cooter, FiFi, and Virginia. Yes, Cooter is also a proud nickname in the South (Dukes of Hazzard, anyone?). And Yes,they KNOW what it means to nickname someone Cooter. Seriously.

Vajiggle Jaggle: Also used for the lower regions of a woman’s body, especially if overweight

Pregnatist:  Boo’s sister Chickadee. Really pregnant. Really really pregnant. And 17. Kind of like the Exorcist….well, the baby does have 2 thumbs….

Sketti:  Spaghetti. Which they eat with butter and ketchup. We’ve always called it PISSketti in my house. Same thing

Ooo’d: Taking a dump. As when Glitzy, the pig did it on their kitchen table in an episode. I personally like ‘dropping the kids off at the pool’…..fart-honey-boo-boo

Beautimous:  Gorgeous. This is a true word used here in the South for decades. June and them use ‘mous at the end of just about every word.

Smexy:  Loving term June uses for Sugar Bear dressed as Santa. Especially with that wad of chew in his bottom lip.

Sweatin Like A Whore In Church: one of my all time faves-been around a while-guilty is as guilty does- or any one of the women on any Bravo show

Go Go Juice: Mountain Dew and Red Bull. In most parts ’round here we call that a heart attack

It Is What It Is: June uses this phrase quite a bit. And she’s not even on Prozac from what I can tell

Finagly: As June says, ‘I’m not all about them big FINAGLY words.’  Which is probably words with more than four letters

Bam Bam Look: Wandering around in public without shoes on. Pebbles would be proudHoney+boo+boo_15b40d_4167527

You may love ’em or hate’em. But looks like they are here to stay. Redneckonize THIS people!

Well, press my watch, I gotta go drop some kids off at the pool…


2012 – Our Year End Letter!!


Since it is the end of the year and I am a NOT an organized make-up wearing to the grocery store wife and mom, I’ve decided to compose my annual Christmas Letter here. That way all of you can see how fun and dysfunctional the Mermaid fam is. So here ya go:keepcalmsanta

Dearest Friends, Family and Head Injured People with weird search terms on Google:

2012, adios muchachos!   Oh, we had some good times and fun moments, but we also have a teenager so they are fleeting at best.  As you probably have noticed, not many of your friends with teens have sent out their annual letters because by this time, little Princess or Prince may not be so royal as they were before the age of 12.  At best they are on track to graduate from high school and be out of the house by the age of 26.

17 is kinda a Junior in high school.  When she was 16 she had mono, recurring sinus infections, and continual tonsilitis.  Turns out the local public high school does not give a crap about  health, only attendance.  So we decided on a home school option that is working. Don’t have a heart attack. I AM NOT A HOME SCHOOL MOM.  (I bet you were really worried for a moment there, huh?)I gave away those Laura Ashley dresses a decade ago and I have short, highlighted hair.  This is a program where she does attend a private school in Roswell that keeps their thumb on her and lets her work at her pace.  Which actually is pretty fast.  She is finishing up one sophomore class and working on junior classes now.  She is still riding horses occasionally, bringing home stray animals, and had a job this summer life guarding.  Yep, passed the Red Cross test but has a problem understanding transitive verbs. Like those are going to help her later in beauty school…She has ended the year happy, healthy and loving Lily Pulitzer so for that, I am thankful. And broke.card

BC-still flying. International, mostly to South America and Nigeria.  Wow, makes me want to go to Africa-you get you very own armed body-guard! In South America he enjoys walks on the beach. I wonder why…

He is really in to his blender.  Puts all kinds of strange vegetables and fruits in it.  Makes me one too.  Who needs Ex-Lax when you have a Vitamix?  Still a rabid Florida fan, he went to his annual fraternity reunion in Gainesville this year affectionately called the “Creepy Old Man” weekend by younger members of the frat.  He hasn’t played much golf, but he does walk daily with his headphones on listening to the crazies on the conservative local radio station.  If he starts wearing white socks with his black Teva’s please check him into Sunrise Living down the street.

BC also finally relented and bought new filters for the swimming pool.  Green was not a good color for the pond that you SWIM in.  And our neighbors thanked us.

My year has been full of ups and downs, but mostly ups!  I was working full-time until August. I’ve always known and preached this, but you can’t have it all. At least I can’t. Working full-time, teenagers, husbands, dirty homes and trying to exercise and enjoy friends is an impossibility for me.  I’ve never claimed to be organized but this about put me over the edge.  Trust me, it’s easier to work when they are babies and toddlers than it is when they are teenagers…F51logo260

I am still selling real estate – have 3 new listing coming up after the new year and have the most fabulous horse farm listed in the Alpharetta, GA area.  I have also joined one of Atlanta’s most successful real estate teams, The Frye Group! I have known Teri for years and her systems and reputation are second to none.  This gives me the ability to list and have the best support for resources and marketing for my clients.  Real Estate today is NOT like it was when I got my license in 1992.

Find Me on Amazon!

Find Me on Amazon!

I’ve always had a real estate blog, but after encouragement from friends-one in particular that dragged me to a blogging class, I started this blog in June of this year. It’s one of the best, if not controversial decisions I made this year.  I am trying to stay true to my voice.  Many of you who know me know that sometimes I can have a bit of a filter problem.  But that’s what makes me who I am.  I have always been a ‘tell it like it is’ person. I tend to get all tongue-tied when I try to dodge the proverbial bullet.  What you see is what you get.  Take it or leave it. My favorite blog title this year was I Love my Friends, or, A Vagina and a Glue Gun. So there (sticking tongue out).

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Because of this journey in the past six months I have had the opportunity to be featured on BlogHer (the country’s leading Blogging for Women news and writing platform) twice, I have been included in two Huff Post articles, out of 200 bloggers that entered, I was selected to be in the top 13 of the Blogger Idol contest this fall, been included in a book on Amazon (yea, suck it haters…) meet Ree Drummond of The Pioneer Woman fame, met some other big time bloggers in person, was invited to be on Anderson Cooper Live with other mom bloggers after the election, and have some new and exciting projects planned for the new year. Who knows where this is going to take me but I am in for the ride! Hot Flashes RULE…

Travel-well, we are an airline family. But this year we stayed closer to home, mainly because of work but we did venture to Orlando, Jacksonville, St Augustine, NYC, Asheville (my visit with my CHS YaYa’s…), and my 30 year college reunion. We spent last Christmas with my sister Jenny in Germany and were supposed to spend this year in Paris but people are buying airline tickets (which is a good thing) and we got left at the airport (which is a bad thing) when BC went off to gay Paree for the holiday.  It was nice and quiet here and my buddies took are of us with copious amounts of food and wine.

Oh, and I am still taking lots and lots of photos. You can visit them on my Flickr stream below!

To accept whatever comes, regardless of the consequences, is to be unafraid -- John Cagle

To accept whatever comes, regardless of the consequences, is to be unafraid — John Cagle

Since we survived the Mayan thing this month we are now able to wish everyone a  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Oh, and Honey Boo Boo starts back up on January 7th. See, we HAVE Been Left Behind….here-comes-honey-boo-boo-alana-august-2012

Warts and All. Why I Love My Faults…


I was trolling around on the internet looking for blog inspiration and I found a couple of folks who do Monday Listicles-they throw out a topic and you write 5 or 10 things about that topic. One was the top things you learned in 2012, and the other was what faults are you thankful for.

These may or may not be faults, depending on perspective.  Maybe they are vices, whatever…

1. I am thankful for my impulsiveness or ADD. It helps me decide, fairly quickly, to buy that overpriced handbag (Hey, honey, I can recoup it on eBay!). In addition to some bad decisions, it has also helped me to take chances on myself, bring home cute kitties and puppies from various rescue places, and start this blogging thing…

2. I am thankful for my addiction to carbohydrates. In real life, carbs and starches are my enemy. But my fantasy would be that someone invent a pill so that I could eat delicious bread based meals like stuffing, cakes, pies, hero subs, french fries and more with abandon. I bet the need for depression meds would be much less…

3. I am thankful for red wine. I even drink it at concerts, which is truly lame. Aerosmith and a glass of cab. Never thought THAT would happen…

4. I am thankful for my sometimes lack of a filter. Lets me know who is real and who is not. This really helps in negotiations in today’s cheerful real estate market…

5. I am thankful for my love of stupid television. Honey Boo Boo, Storage Wars, Real Housewives, Kardashians. Reminds me that I am not as crazy as I think I am…

6. I am thankful for the current Zombie craze. I now know that when I become a zombie, I will be skinny and not have to put on makeup to leave the house. And I can eat anything I want. I am truly a meat eater, suits me well…

7. I am thankful for my love of all things Flo Rida, Lady Gaga, Diddy, Kanye et al. Who needs to teach their kids about sex when you can just turn on the radio?

8. I am thankful for Facebook and Twitter. I have been able to reconnect AND meet with some old and new friends and make a fool of myself for people all over the planet.

9. I am thankful for my potty mouth.  Sometimes. It has taken me a while to figure out where and when to use it properly.  But there is just no better word than those that begin with F for when you stub your toe, hit the side of the garage in your hub’s truck, or yell at your teenager when you find your bottle of whipped cream vodka gone from the freezer.

10.  I am thankful for these lists.  Makes me write when I have writer’s constipation.  And gets me going again!

Have a great week!

Pull My Finger


Little did I know that when I married BC (the hubs) 24 years ago that my entire married life was going to be filled with fart jokes, ‘pull my finger’ comments, and hot boxing gas in our marital bed. For 24 YEARS people!

This is a man who can fly a $50 million dollar aircraft filled with human beings across the Atlantic Ocean who thinks that flatulence is one of the funniest things on the planet.  Did you know that these guys try to out-fart each other in the cockpit of an airplane?  THAT, my friends, is why the cockpit door is locked and bulletproof-it’s REALLY smell-proof.

If there is a movie with a crude bathroom scene like the one in Dumb and Dumber-it will make him laugh harder than just about anything. I think the only reason he watched Bridesmaids with me was because I informed him of the scene of the girls at the bridal store. He still has a 12 year old boy’s sense of humor.

I grew up in a ‘That is not lady like” household.  Then I went to a women’s college that served us dinner on white tablecloths and would not allow men in the dorms until the late 1980s ( I graduated in ’82).  I remember a night when me and a couple of my dorm girlfriends tried to light our farts.  Two of these gals were DEBUTANTS–yes ma’am-right from the boonies of the Carolina’s.  One almost burnt her girdle right off her perky little debutant ass that night.

When I had 16, there were so many bodily functions going on during that labor BC had to leave the room.  But when 16 ripped that first little baby toot-he was totally in love.  A girl after his own heart.  Now, she can fart with the best of them.  And, she can burp the alphabet-backwards.  That will definitely be on her application to Harvard.

I just wonder how flatulence became so funny in our culture? In Japan, it is widely accepted to pass gas from the attic or the basement in honor of the chef. A normal thank you. Here? In our Victorian type culture (yea, I still think we are there….) god forbid–the word, fart, has only become acceptable in conversation on television in the last decade or so. And not necessarily acceptable in all conversations.

I truly believe that those women in our neighborhoods, the ones that volunteer for everything, the ones who say that phrase with their teeth clenched when you meet them, “oh, YOU’RE  16’s mother…” and are so uptight and mean, actually need to rip one off or get laid. Or both.  Hard to fart with that stick up her ass.

One of the most embarrassing moments of my life was when I accidentally let one sneak out, on a cold linoleum floor, when I reached forward to turn on a video, at my old boyfriend’s house.  His parent sat there with a stone-like expression on their faces.  We were laughing like you do in church, trying to hold it in, getting more hysterical with each passing silent moment.

Now, with the big M in my life, I experience what I affectionately call the ‘walking farts.’  You know, you are making your way to the kitchen and out of nowhere, to the beat of each step, they just escape.  I noticed these years ago at my mother-in-law’s house.  I thought they were hilarious then.  She didn’t even know she was doing them.  Now they are happening to ME……

It’s also the reason I absolutely LOVE Honey Boo Boo. I knew it was for me when in the opening credit each week the whole family is standing there quiet and nice and June just lets one rip.  The girls all yell, “Mooommma!”  And she turns back around with this look like, “am I NOT going to be myself? That’s what we are getting paid for!”   In all of her wisdom, June also stated to one of her daughters that “if you fart 10-15 times a day you lose weight.” I am BANKING on that right now. Momma June is way smarter than we think.

In a year, I should be down about 40 lbs.  And I LOVE broccoli.

Pull my finger……