Hot Flash Friday

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It’s the last Hot Flash Friday of 2012 and I wanted to leave you with something that cracked me up.
And every one of these requests is totally reasonable too…

This is not a sponsored post-in fact I grabbed it from You Tube after I watched it on Menopause Matters .

May 2013 bring you peace, happiness and mild hot flashes!

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I Flashed My Tan Off This Weekend

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Dark foundation all over-including half my bathroom!

It’s hard to be hot mom at Halloween when you are closing in on 53 and are always hot. As in the FLASH kind.

We have a neighbor who has an annual Halloween party every year that just about every one in the hood has been to at one time or another and yes, the adults DO dress up. And because of that, I love this party. Most folks really take the time to think up creative costumes. And the with the amount of effort that my girlfriend puts in to fixing up her house and serving us food and drink deserves that.

Trying to think of a great costume when the only one you KNOW you will be comfy in is the Honey Boo Boo or June outfit (you know, roomy, lotsa makeup, elastic pants..)take up a good part of my October. And those temporary Halloween costume stores are  overpriced. And the freaks who work there give me hives. And, did you notice that all the hot moms get their shit there? Did you also know it is headquarters for slutty women’s and teen’s outfits? I am sure you do.

And it is the ONLY store where I have to buy a costume in a woman’s size. Only. Really bad fucking marketing creepy temporary Halloween stores, really bad.   None of which do not include the words vixen, french maid, officer good body, or beer girl. More like maid, sumo, funny waitress, Baby Bop, kill me now.

So this year I decided to go as the New Jersey Tan Mom-easy peasy–all I needed was dark foundation, light glossy lipstick and I had a blonde wig from last year which I cut.

I was a hit!

Some of my friends really were creative.  One couple was LMFAO, one of my recently divorced girlfriends came as EX Bride of Frankenstein (it was hilarious), One guy came as a picnic table with food on it, there were also 50 Shades of Grey, Pitbull, and Waldo costumes. I had a great time.  Was over served too much red wine (well, I kept serving myself). And was extremely comfy.

Except I flashed all my tan off.

Next time, I am going as a refrigerator.

Tan mom and 16

Does this Ass Make My Boots Look Fat?

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Cute huh?

I broke down and bought my first pair of real cowboy boots this weekend. Mainly because they were really cute. Mainly because they were a mens size which, for my fat feet, works way better. Mainly because they were termed ‘vintage’, which you know, is a widely used term for just about any thing these days when you don’t want to say the word OLD.

As many of you know, I am an antique and flea market slut and I found, through a neighbor, and our connection to a certain giant bird named Darwin that she was afraid to kill in our hood for turning her koi in her pond into sushi, a partner in insanity, named hereafter as Bootsie. We had a large booth this weekend in a local antique show for three days and sold lots of fun stuff. The big hit seemed to be the vintage cowboy boots that she had collected over time. I felt like we were becoming the Boot Depot or something. Not a person walked by without picking up, touching, trying on , or commenting on the boots. I was like, “Whats up with that?? Whodathunk??

Bootsie went into full on Buster Brown shoe store salesperson mode.  If she could fit you, you probably owned a pair in under 15 minutes.  And maybe a fun tacky holiday sweater for yucks this season.  We had a blast.  And, I bought a pair.

You see, with becoming mid-century modern, you also start becoming mid-century frumpy.  And while a couple of days of that is okay, EVERY day is NOT.  Big Momma would not let me out of the house ‘looking like that’ when I was a teenager.  It should be the same now, right?

Elastic waistbands should  stay within the confines of your home.  The same with kitten sweatshirts.  Every now and then a trip to the store is okay, in off hours.  You know when you go into your local grocery in makeup and the cashiers, who are your best friends, do not recognize you, there is a problem.

Sometimes a purchase can inspire you to become better.  To change, to be happy, excited for your future.  At least that’s what I tell BC.  Seriously, these boots are made for walkin’.  And looking really hot with a great pair of boot cut jeans and a long tie died top (this hides my ‘situation’ – you know, the muffin that ate New Jersey?). They make me feel pretty smexy.  And anything to be hot and not be sweating at the same time is good for me.

In reality, fixing myself up just a little bit is not hard.  I’ve just become lazy.  When I commented on a pair another somewhat frumpy  mid-century gal was putting on (black snake skin), that they made her look hot, and she could really ‘kick some ass in those”,  her hubs looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and nodded.

You see ladies, they still want us to look good.  Every now and then.  Men are inherently visual.  Why is porn the number one search on Google? Duh.

They need to see it to get it.  All of our metaphors and hints and hidden meaning comments go right over their heads.  If I make a written list for the hubs, it gets done.  If I telepathically think I want him to do something, I assure you, it will not happen.  Get over it ladies.  It should not take you until you reach my age to figure this out like I did.

Some of you may think this is old school. But I truly believe since from the beginning of time most men have not changed a whole bunch.

And NEVER ask them how anything looks. Just go with it in confidence.

Remember, always ask for forgiveness, not permission.

So maybe this ass makes my new boots look fat.  But I know better than to ask.

WTF Wednesday – Are YOU Wonder Woman?

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This is how I feel today. The only thing she needs is her Cabernet. Or vodka.

This is my first full year of not buying feminine products on a monthly basis!! Yippeee!

BUT – keep those things around. You’re gonna need them at one point or another. If anything-I hear they are great for removing nail polish (this from my teenager….humpfff).

I found a Wonder Woman two piece in Florida. There is no such thing as a WW bikini in a size 16 (always remember, in bathing suits you are SUPPOSED to buy 2 sizes up?? Yeah, I thought so).

So the hot WW that is me spins around her days quite differently than when I was the hot WW of 14 years ago with a toddler.

My main job as WW today is keeping from eating an entire bag of fries from the Mac Steakhouse on a daily basis, staying cool in 100 plus weather, and not killing my teenager or BC.

I found waterproof eyeliner the other day (Smashbox) and I think I can now face the word with eyes on! It’s the little things.

Looking for the next age spot concealor is a tough job.  But someone’s gotta do it..

I do not Sweat–I GLISTEN!!!

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I don’t flash. I sweat. Large amounts of sweat. So much so, that by 10am all of my makeup has melted off of my face and the raccoon eyes of mascara have begun. I feel like every time I arrive at the office I look like I have been sobbing in the car to some stupid song by Hall and Oates.

Last night I was showing some houses to a family at 8pm in 90 plus degree heat. This is my other form of employment that I have been doing for 20 years. And the AC was cranked in every home we went in. But instead of turning red and feeling the oncoming heat wave, I tend to just sweat profusely.

When I go to play tennis, my girlfriends are all cute and all in their matching tennie clothes and visors-with earrings and makeup on.  ME?? XL T shirt and fat shorts. Because there are no Spanx in Nike dri fit and my ass looks like two cats fighting in a pillowcase in those skirts.  And I can just wipe the sweat off on my shoulder on cotton shirt. No makeup either-hard to hit an overhead when Maybelline is running into your eyes…..

This also happens in winter. It takes no prisoners. So, I am sweating now in every possible place on my body and places that I didn’t even know HAD sweat glands. We are outside looking around the back yard and I start feeling tiny raindrops–YAY- we are getting rain…uh, noooo, those were coming from my hair. Sweat had managed to run down the short hair strands that I have and land on my arm. ARE YOU KIDDING  ME???????????

The raccoon showed up.  I am sure my lovely clients thought something was really really wrong with me. Maybe it was because this was the fourth house we were going to put an offer on, maybe because their teenagers were fighting over which bedroom to have, maybe because the master suite was too small, maybe, maybe…..It was really embarrassing.

No worries, I apologized for my sweaty smelly self and the wife said not to worry, she was hot too and sweating. But she was NOT glistening like me. Bitch.

So now, when I am out and about, showing property, shopping for shoes or stalking my teenager, I have prepared a Flash/Sweat kit that I keep in my car:

  • Case of water
  • Roll of toilet paper
  • Deodorant
  • Hand towel
  • Emergency chocolate
  • Real Coke for the sugar and caffeine
  • Extra pair of undies — I know TMI but YOU be 50…….

I think I may market this soon-Your Car Flash Survival Kit–and if you order one now, you get the Teenage Tolerance Kit (bottle of Stoli and a pack of Marlboro Lights) ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!!!!!!