WTF Wednesday–I’ve Been Googled…..

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This is one of my BFF’s, hugging her tortoise after he returned from a weekend out drinking with his buddies and not answering his texts from her…..

Congrats to me. I have been doing this blog thing since the beginning of July and truly enjoying getting all this quirky shit out of my ADD addled brain. Been holed up in thar awhile.

Hope you are enjoying it too.

Anyhoooo. One of the fun things I have discovered about this bogging thing is seeing what folks on the internet are searching and how it hits my site.

There are quite a few disturbed pervy peeps out there–and I know I have probably disappointed them when they landed here. So for shits and giggles I have made a list, so far, of the search terms that show up on my stats page that I find totally hilarious, and, uh, creepy:

  1. 1. I want the kind of head injury where I wake up and Channing Tatum tells me he’s my husband (good luck with that honey…)
    2. Channing Tatum Pony (he has a PONY??? I didn’t know he liked horses.)
    3. Paul Ryan Shirtless (got that one, oh, and he has an Eddie Munster hairdo…)
    4. Sour puss face gymnast (that’s YOU Makayla…)
    5. Do olympic gymnasts go commando (seriously-I have never even considered this to be important, but makes ya wonder….)
    6. Diapers on teenagers (I have written about me eventually in diapers, but..)
    7. Makayla Maroney ass (she has a donkey????)

And my NUMBER ONE FAVORITE: Drum roll please…..

There’s a mermaid in my bed sex tape !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Commando

Commando (Photo credit: scottnj)

Have a great day and don’t forget to tip your waitress, or comment right here!

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I Put my mom in facebook jail

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Sorry but the Plate should say BULLDOGS

I had to put my mother in Facebook Timeout. It’s what you do when you get a lecture about being online entirely too much by a family member.

This is not the first time we have had this conversation. She was at a family function about 6 weeks ago and my cousins, who are around my age laughed and said I was on it all the time. Now, you know, if you are logged in and not ON Facebook, it shows you as on-line. In my other life I am a real estate agent as well as a trainer for a large wonderful real estate company. Social Networking for agents is what I teach. Over and over again. I also show them how to create business pages and create Twitter accounts. So, I am online like, ALL DAY, mom…..

She is 75 and recently got an iPad. She has become dangerous with Facebook, texting, suggesting apps, and reading CNN all day long. She also creeps on my news feed. She doesn’t miss a thing. Oh, and she is also a real estate agent. Just sold a 700K house. That is more production than me this year, but I digress.

Yesterday afternoon, I called to check in and she started asking me questions about who is sick on my timeline, who just had a baby, and what is this mermaid thing. Then she added–‘You really are on Facebook a lot.’ For the umpteenth time.

Mom, I am 52, have a teenager, been married 23 years to the same man, try to keep my house clean, have a great job, have lots of friends, am not in rehab, and haven’t asked you all for money since 1986.

So, I came home and blocked her. Well, actually I accidentally unfriended her. Last nite. It took her about 8 hours to call me this morning and whine-YOU UN-FRIENDED MEEEEEEEE!!!

I kinda like the term, Facebook Timeout. I had 24 hours of freedom-I should have posted nude photos of myself and stuff but Facebook would have called DFACS and taken my teen away.

Now, the mermaid-well, I guess I am busted. Mom, if you show up here, just be ready to accept that I may use some words like: douchebag, penis, vagina, WTF, FBomb, and my favorite word of all time–SHIT! I will try to enhance my vocabulary and get out my Roget’s Thesaurus to try to find a comparable word but I don’t think that is gonna happen. I may also joke about my religion, my bodily functions, and male strippers. But this is all in fun.

After all, you were the one who told me about the 50 yard douche (water skiing), read 2 of the Grey books, and also told me before I got married that the secret to a happy marriage is this: If he isn’t horny, make him a sandwich!

Don’t forget about nature vs. nuture-my sense of humor is from you and dad (the man who would not pay for the band for my wedding unless they played “Shout“). So now I gotta figure how to bail big momma out of Facebook jail.

I love you, mom. And enjoy…..

Like Going to a REAL Strip Club, only Cheaper………

I wish I was 18 again. Because I would have a poster of the hot Channing Tatum on the wall in my bedroom. I could fall asleep to him every night and dream of the what if’s…..

Yes, we saw the movie. This past Friday night. It was in 2 theaters and sold out. What was particularly funny to me was that most of the gals  in there were dressed to kill, makeup, hair, sundresses, stacked shoes, like they were REALLY going to a strip club. And it was like going to a real strip club, only you didn’t have to hold your hand over your drink…..

I, of course, snuck in bottled water. That was stupid. I should have smuggled in a bottle of Skinny Girl cosmo’s. Would have been more appropriate.

Movie was great. Even had a message. The dancing was unreal, the guys were hot, especially Mr. Tatum. Who, by the way is from Alabama. I know a good southern boy when I see one. Too bad he is happily married. People Magazine ruined that for me this weekend.

Worth the $11 ticket. Take your girls and go. It is all of the R rating and more. And it was 107 degrees this weekend. I didn’t even notice!

50 Shades of Magic Mike….

OOooh, my inner goddess is telling me to go see Magic Mike with the girls tonite.

As a buddy of mine just said, “Time to raise your game, guys!’

What are these middle aged toots going to do with us after the ‘Grey’ trilogy, Magic Mike, and now, Tom Cruise being back on the market. Well, ok, TC not so exciting, but you get my drift.

At least Katie Holmes can start wearing makeup again, and have a somewhat, albeit, very rich, normal life. I guess she woke up one morning and said WTF!!!!!!!??????????? My guess is that happened when she had that baby.   It is pretty easy to be 25 and jaded, because I have been there.

Magic Mike apparently made over $2 million last nite in midnite showings. Who says we don’t go to movies anymore? If it is worth it, we pull on our jammies, smuggle boxed chardonnay in the theatre and watch away.

Review tomorrow-I will not disappoint you.  Pinky swear!

Oh, and bring your copy of Grey.