Hot Flash Friday

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It’s the last Hot Flash Friday of 2012 and I wanted to leave you with something that cracked me up.
And every one of these requests is totally reasonable too…

This is not a sponsored post-in fact I grabbed it from You Tube after I watched it on Menopause Matters .

May 2013 bring you peace, happiness and mild hot flashes!

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Enter the Muffin – Hot Flash Fridays

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In my family, my genetic makeup includes, among other things like heart disease, the ability to fart the alphabet, and the ‘party’ gene, the incredible MUFFIN gene.

Yay me.  Because of my heritage of Irish, Scottish and English backgrounds,( a combo of bread loving angry drunks) we are taller in stature and are carboholics.  Hence the harder than herpes to get rid of Muffin top.

And guess what makes it even harder to get rid of? You guessed it.  The CHANGE.

Even in my 20s my little situation has hung around my waistline, protecting me from making bad decisions like piercing my belly button and wearing ab-bearing shirts.  But alas, it has now parked itself for the long haul and the only way to get rid of it, it seems, is probably surgery.  Oh, and I had a C-section.  Those muscles are toast.

Menopause and peri-menopause have made it even harder to get rid of.  Over the years, going to the gym, losing weight, working out, doing a gazillion sit ups and Spanx has made parts of the muffin shrink. But not totally.  As we age, we tend to put on weight in the middle regions that some of us are successful, some not so, in getting rid of.

But not totally…

And, according to EVERYONE that is out there talking about our health-it is the number one thing that can affect your health.  In a bad way.

So, my dears, let’s DEFEAT the Muffin!

What works for me won’t work for everyone.  But I tried this experiment.

During Lent this year – yeah, I’m a Cathaholic – I went basically Atkins Phase 2.  No bread, very low carb, for 7 weeks.  After the first week or so, I found out that it wasn’t really that hard.  As long as I did not go down the Triscuit and Wheat Thins aisle at the grocery.

And I  shed, easily, without much exercise, 15 pounds.  And most of it came off the Muffin.

And Muffin was mad.

And then Muffin got happy again because I lapsed right back in to my wicked ways and succumbed to the evil Bread Witch.

And it came right back.

Carbs, even bread, turn into sugar.  Too much and your body stores this sugar. Preferably around your waistline because, you know, back in the  caveman days we needed it to survive those long cold winters and not starve to death.

That was a VERY long time ago.  Women don’t live in caves anymore.

Well, today, we eat great shit year round.  We have central heat.  So, the Muffin hangs around for the party.

Go low carb.  Anger the Muffin.

And ‘Bingo Wings’ to go with…

Lots of you are doing the Paleo diet.  Which is basically the caveman diet.  Atkins works. Wheat Belly works.  Or just watch the carbs.

And that is hard-they are in just about EVERYTHING.

So I’m going low carb again. It worked for me.

I am going to try and actually live that way for as long as I can.

I need to be around to drive my daughter crazy when she has kids. . .

Oh, and P.S. Vodka has no carbs!!!

Here’s Your Friday Flash

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Don’t F*CK with me, I’m Flashin

For the next coupla weeks we are going to have a tutorial every Friday on Symptoms of Menopause for Women of a Certain Age.

I intend to make this really easy for you to understand-as I am having quite a few of these fabulous activities and I am going to tell YOU what I am experiencing with each one.  Now because I am perfect, I do not participate every one of these dreaded symptoms, and I will relate what my girls tell me…………

Aching Joints and Muscular Issues

I don’t have that many aching joints right now. I do have one pain in the ass, or rather,  3 –my terriers Roscoe, Max & Willie. Bending over and picking up their crap on my seagrass rug makes me want to wring their necks (Muscular Issue) but my strength is not what it once was. For some reason my toes have decided to start aching-I guess those early years of toe curling sex is what that is all about. Ahem. I do have some gal pals with carpal tunnel and wrist issues. Doc told them to turn the vibrations down to low to keep that from coming back. A good chiropractor, Advil and a dirty read will become your new best friends.

ANXIETY

This is the mother of all things menopausal.  If you don’t get anything else, I assure you, you WILL get at least ONE bout of anxiety during this process.   I am going say that when you do turn the corner at your mid-century mark, you WILL feel empowered and all that shit you hear everyone talk about blah blah blah.  But this type of anxiety is the stupid  ridiculous kind.  For instance-I don’t give a rat’s ass about what you think about my home and my decorating anymore, but I can promise you, I will FREAK OUT if you pour out my wine glass before I have finished it just because I got up to go to the bathroom which I do very often thank you very much.  Nice run on sentence huh? There is a nice little pill for this condition. We ALL know what it is called. Go get it.

Bloating

Feeling like you just ate the whole bag of chips and drank 5 beers is the way you are going to feel pretty much the whole time.   There is a cure for this–keep drinking! Well, water of course-we tend to get more dehydrated  as we age.  But at nite, a lovely glass of wine, or 4, can help as well (this also helps with the above condition).  Also vodka.  Yes, you can mix that with a wedge of lime and club soda and hydrate all nite long…and then jump fully clothed in the neighbor’s pool.

Decreased Libido

This may or may not be a good thing.  I am usually soooo tired at night the thought of any one or any thing touching me or making me move in any other position than prone on the bed makes me want to blow my brains out.  In my twenties and thirties, especially before kids, I was always up for something athletic. Unfortunately not anymore-the last time I got a cramp in the bottom arch of my foot and thought I was going to die right there.  Do you know how hard it is to shake one foot in the air and concentrate on other stuff going on at the same time? I can’t multitask like that.

Go read 50 Shades of Grey and watch Magic Mike.  Then you will be cured.

Next Friday we will discuss more like Changes in Body Odor, Depression and more!

I bet you can’t wait!

Should I, or Shouldn’t I??

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Are y’all done YET?????

I think I need to make a sex tape. After all, it seems to be the way you get famous in today’s culture. Look at Kim Kardashian–her mom took the bull by the horns (or horny bull, whatever) and turned that big ol mistake into a cash cow for her and her entire Armenian clan there in Los Angeles. I have to give her props for that. That is true entrepreneurial spirit! And now, media outlets are reporting that Kanye wants to make an “artful’ one with her. Yeah right…………
But who would want to look at a sex tape by a 52-year-old menopausal woman ? (Here come the pervs…) And Big Momma wouldn’t market it, she would watch it and point out that I have gained weight and that my hair needs to be a little blonder….

First of all, I would have to have a chiropractor on call.  And the keg-o-lube nearby.  I would also need the AC to be at about 60 degrees to quell the hot flashes that are NOT from passion.

And then I would have to clean my room and get it ready to be on video.  I don’t think the photos of 16 as a toddler on my bedside table are really great props.  Or the self-help books and the bottle of Tums.  I can’t afford a set director so I guess we would have to ditch that idea.

And the script-have to write that.  Would consist of:  “ow”  “Can you move over a little so I can see Jay Leno?”  “How long is this going to take?”  “Uh, oh, leg cramp!” “That was the dog, not me”  “EEEWWWW”   Award winning–Oscar worthy-yep, I ‘ll get right on that.

And let’s not forget  the three terriers that we have will also have to be on set. In the bed, fighting over a chew bone.  Really hot and sexy dontcha think?

And the TV has to be on the Fox News Network, Food Network or the Golf Channel HD.  Oh, this is getting better and better.  Just what the world wants to see–a middle-aged mom and a Republican golf addict with bad backs in a sex tape on You Tube. I Just cannot wait to be You Tube famous……

Aaannnnndddd, ACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If it ain’t drippin–it’s draggin…

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GIRLZILLA!! Nice pearls…

Warning-this is for those of you who are entering the meno-zone or are there or about to. Or if you are just weird, fine, keep reading.

I am trying not to get all ‘menopausey’ on you all. But the truth must be told. There is a reason they call it >>>THE CHANGE>>>>

A couple of years ago, in my PERI days, one of my older gal pals would say, “If it’s not drippin, it’s draggin.” She is one of the funniest and coolest 60 plus year old’s I know. She also hoards cats and her car looks like she lives in it.
But she of the tan cowhide leather skin, moo moo dresses and hippie earrings was true. THIS is what we can look forward to.

THE CHANGE:    Coined, I am sure, by men, because all of a sudden that sweet little housewife who would fake orgasms on a daily or weekly basis has now turned into GIRLZILLA. Wearing a wonder woman bathing suit and ordering take out. She has raised children, driven a minivan, uses boxed hair color, cleaned his home, ironed his boxers, picked up his socks, endured teenagers, washed the dishes, cooked countless meals, put up with his beer belly, and all of a sudden she wakes up one day and says ‘ HOLY CRAP, I’M IN MENOPAUSE, AND I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT!“. She starts speaking her mind, drinking wine, faking headaches instead of orgasms, finds a cool job, or finds a cool girlfriend, gets a bikini wax….

Who IS this creature?

Guys, she is nothing to be afraid of.  Girlzilla just needs some space.  Give her a big bottle of Merlot, a box of chocolates, and a Nordstrom’s credit card and you will be kept alive. For a brief amount of time, anyway.  Just be sure to keep the wine flowing and the credit card unlimited.  Then you will not be eaten in your sleep.

This is also about the time that said husband may have a mid-life crises and buys a corvette.  Fine, guess what-WE have midlife crises too.  Because our hormones are now dictating just about everything in our body.  They are saying things like “I need more shoes–I need a facelift–I need a tummy tuck–I need a Gucci bag or  the Gucci coochie (another post on that later)–I need a tan pool boy…”

Parts start to shift.  If you never got implants, now may be the time for those half-cookie things to raise’em up. A full on bikini wax may not be such a good idea if you had kids –those parts start hanging down and looking pretty angry (hence the Gucci Coochie-seriously, it’s a surgery),   Acne can show back up again.  Age spots show up on our hands and legs-especially if you tanned, like I did, in the 70’s with baby oil and iodine and one of those face reflectors.  Maybe tampons are a thing of the past.  But HELLO maxi pads-they aren’t just for periods anymore….

And a Flash Mob has a different meaning to us.  The reason more couples get divorced during this time is, I am sure, that they have fought over the thermostat one too many times and he has just given up.  I now know why the best-selling top at Chico’s is the tank top.  I have 30 of them.  And this heat thing shows up differently on many of us.  All of a sudden I just get sweaty–not too bad–and then my personal summer disappears.  I know some Girlzilla’s out there get full on red-faced sweaty, not all experiences are the same.  And many of our mom’s were of the generation of not talking about it. ( Big momma would but she had a hysterectomy in her late 30’s and has been Girlzilla ever since). So we are sweating thru this alone.  Just think of it as your inner child playing with matches……

Comes with tiny tissues and tiny fan

I know, I know, it’s sometimes hard to find humor in the fact that you are now going to the dermatologist to get skin tags taken off under your boobs.  But, we have such a full brain of knowledge, empowerment, and crack comebacks to our challenges that this can be hilarious, if you let it.  I truly believe God knew what she was doing when she let us have all of these experiences.

But no worries, Girlzilla’s, I have your back. It’s not over.  So go out  there, put on your Jockey French Cut Underwear and conquer the world.  There is still time….