If it ain’t drippin–it’s draggin…

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GIRLZILLA!! Nice pearls…

Warning-this is for those of you who are entering the meno-zone or are there or about to. Or if you are just weird, fine, keep reading.

I am trying not to get all ‘menopausey’ on you all. But the truth must be told. There is a reason they call it >>>THE CHANGE>>>>

A couple of years ago, in my PERI days, one of my older gal pals would say, “If it’s not drippin, it’s draggin.” She is one of the funniest and coolest 60 plus year old’s I know. She also hoards cats and her car looks like she lives in it.
But she of the tan cowhide leather skin, moo moo dresses and hippie earrings was true. THIS is what we can look forward to.

THE CHANGE:    Coined, I am sure, by men, because all of a sudden that sweet little housewife who would fake orgasms on a daily or weekly basis has now turned into GIRLZILLA. Wearing a wonder woman bathing suit and ordering take out. She has raised children, driven a minivan, uses boxed hair color, cleaned his home, ironed his boxers, picked up his socks, endured teenagers, washed the dishes, cooked countless meals, put up with his beer belly, and all of a sudden she wakes up one day and says ‘ HOLY CRAP, I’M IN MENOPAUSE, AND I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT!“. She starts speaking her mind, drinking wine, faking headaches instead of orgasms, finds a cool job, or finds a cool girlfriend, gets a bikini wax….

Who IS this creature?

Guys, she is nothing to be afraid of.  Girlzilla just needs some space.  Give her a big bottle of Merlot, a box of chocolates, and a Nordstrom’s credit card and you will be kept alive. For a brief amount of time, anyway.  Just be sure to keep the wine flowing and the credit card unlimited.  Then you will not be eaten in your sleep.

This is also about the time that said husband may have a mid-life crises and buys a corvette.  Fine, guess what-WE have midlife crises too.  Because our hormones are now dictating just about everything in our body.  They are saying things like “I need more shoes–I need a facelift–I need a tummy tuck–I need a Gucci bag or  the Gucci coochie (another post on that later)–I need a tan pool boy…”

Parts start to shift.  If you never got implants, now may be the time for those half-cookie things to raise’em up. A full on bikini wax may not be such a good idea if you had kids –those parts start hanging down and looking pretty angry (hence the Gucci Coochie-seriously, it’s a surgery),   Acne can show back up again.  Age spots show up on our hands and legs-especially if you tanned, like I did, in the 70’s with baby oil and iodine and one of those face reflectors.  Maybe tampons are a thing of the past.  But HELLO maxi pads-they aren’t just for periods anymore….

And a Flash Mob has a different meaning to us.  The reason more couples get divorced during this time is, I am sure, that they have fought over the thermostat one too many times and he has just given up.  I now know why the best-selling top at Chico’s is the tank top.  I have 30 of them.  And this heat thing shows up differently on many of us.  All of a sudden I just get sweaty–not too bad–and then my personal summer disappears.  I know some Girlzilla’s out there get full on red-faced sweaty, not all experiences are the same.  And many of our mom’s were of the generation of not talking about it. ( Big momma would but she had a hysterectomy in her late 30’s and has been Girlzilla ever since). So we are sweating thru this alone.  Just think of it as your inner child playing with matches……

Comes with tiny tissues and tiny fan

I know, I know, it’s sometimes hard to find humor in the fact that you are now going to the dermatologist to get skin tags taken off under your boobs.  But, we have such a full brain of knowledge, empowerment, and crack comebacks to our challenges that this can be hilarious, if you let it.  I truly believe God knew what she was doing when she let us have all of these experiences.

But no worries, Girlzilla’s, I have your back. It’s not over.  So go out  there, put on your Jockey French Cut Underwear and conquer the world.  There is still time….

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Do Mermaids Tweet?

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Since we are on the topic of social media I thought I would explain how each site works in relation to the Forever 51 reader. Lots of you out there are social media noobs and want to know how each of them work, and how they relate to your everyday life.

Facebook: I am having a mid-life crises and announcing it to all my friends here. Here is a picture of me in a bikini on a beach (or my feet on a beach-which I will never know why you post these), and I eat lettuce and power bars all day long and drink vodka because it has no carbs. And my kids have blocked me on all of their SM sites.

Twitter: I am in a Victoria’s Secret suit on a beach with a douche I met on Match.com and you’re not– but he has money. I am also here to stalk my teenager. Add link to Instagram pic of you and new BF on remote beach in Mexico. NOTE: a great place for the insecure to follow celebs like the Kardashians or Charlie Sheen in the hopes that they may re-tweet you, or for your teen to stalk the Beibs….

Pinterest: I just recently pinned a photo of a great recipe on Pinterest that I will never cook. I am also pinning–although it should be called pining— items here for my daughter’s dream wedding. In 7 years..And a pic of a craft that I am going to create in all my spare time…..

LinkedIn: I am here to brag about my enhanced resume and meet men. And I am looking for a part-time job that pays over $50K.

Instagram: A place where you post pictures taken (preferably) with your cellphone of your travels, your animals, your food. There are lots of pics of food, wine and cocktails on Instagram–WARNING don’t open this app if you are remotely hungry. Oh and the number one place for female teens to post duck face photos of themselves. Yay.

Tumblr: Photo blogging site for hipsters-don’t even try it, unless, of course, you are angst-ridden, smoke weed (you STILL smoke weed? How 80’s) have a tattoo, or are a late blooming hippie. Here is something important you need to know about Tumblr–most, if not all, of your teenage daughters are on it. They use it like a diary. I approve stalking this site……

I hope this has clarified these sites for you mermaids and mermen. Feel free to comment or ask questions. The SM mermaid is in da house!