I Can Justify ANYTHING

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I don’t make resolutions, I make JUSTIFICATIONS.funny-celebrity-pictures-guardian-angels

Growing up with the Guilt Angel hanging over my head has helped me to learn to make a justification for just about everything I do or not do in life. Guilt Angel also taught me the fine art of sucking up when I had a late assignment in high school, slept through an exam in college, or ran in late to my office (Oh so sorry, I got my period and that really tied up traffic this morning…). So, I can justify not making these resolutions:

More Exercise

Oh Hell to the NO

Oh Hell to the NO

Did you know that people actually FART OUT LOUD in a Yoga Class? As they are contorting themselves in highly awkward positions, releasing gas is supposedly detoxifying your body.  But in a hot room full of people sweating? People pay money for that, folks… No sirree-I am going to downward dog when I get out of my bed in the morning and let BC enjoy the yoga perfume.

RUNNING?? Seriously-where are you going that you have to run to get there? Unless I am being chased by an ax murderer or trying to get to free Chanel Bags at the end of the Apocalypse, I am not running anywhere.  I run to the bathroom. That’s it.

Join a GYM? Uh, think of it this way.  I want some work done on my face. Not a whole lot. But $39 a month for 12 months? That’s $468 PLUS the join fee-Honey, that’s a frozen forehead AND erased marionette lines right there!

Eat Healthy

Oh puuuhhhlllleeeaaase! I am a carnivore. Carbs are not my friends. Oh yes, they text me and Facebook me to come over and play with them and their Pinterest Dip friends.  Carbs are the mean head cheerleader girl of foods. Just remember that.

Tenderloin with a Cabernet glaze? I. AM. IN.  Thank God I love spinach, kale, broccoli, and other greens, especially smothered in olive oil and garlic.

BC is giving up Diet Coke. Well, good for him. I have ONE Diet Cherry Zero every day, and my teeth have not rotted out yet. Geez, the pressure…

Did you know that Fritos have very little carbs?  Cracker Barrel has pre-cut sharp cheddar slices.  Wine is full of reservatrol. Especially if you drink as much as the hubs and I do(we are going to live forever at this point).  Real sugar is better than the fake stuff.  Real Butter almost killed Paula Dean but used in moderation it’s more healthy than margarine. Which is apparently one molecule off of plastic.  Watch out for all those awful frozen diet meals.  They do NOT look like the photo on the cover of the box. In fact, they look very sad after you cook them. Like they are missing something..like TASTE maybe???

Cook it-Then see what it looks like...

Cook it-Then see what it looks like…

Be More Organized

Just what the hell does this mean? More organized in what?  My favorite quote is “A Clean House is a Sign of a Sick Mind”.  And my house is somewhat clean.  I mean, I get the dog poop up off the wool rug in the dining room in the morning and I do the dishes from the night before. Then I vacuum the dog hair off the floor and flush a couple of toilets.  That, my friends, is a clean house!

Hoarders-Teen Edition...

Hoarders-Teen Edition…

BC flies over night quite a bit due to his travels to Europe and South America.  Kinda hard to make the bed with him in it. So that one is out the window.  Oh, and putting dishes and pots and pans away as well as running the washing machine could wake him up and I certainly do NOT want to awaken the Kracken!

Our organization methods involve little piles of shit everywhere. Both  me, BC and 17. And I can tell you within one millisecond, if you ask where something is, which pile it’s in.

Boom.

Stay on a BudgetADD2

Okay. I am trying really, really hard to do this. I really am.  But, because of the serious condition I have (that I diagnosed on my WebMD app on my phone) called Adult Attention Deficit Disorder, I need a bit of leeway on this.  It’s hard to keep track when you are in the midst of a sale at Target and you are fighting the neighborhood Tennis Bitch for the Tory Burch Lunchbox because, you know, we are inherently competitive…do you know how many bags of cheddar cheese I have in my fridge? I even take lists to the grocery and still screw up.

Besides, that last pair of UGG’s I had that lasted me four years? That’s only $30 a year to wear them. Take THAT, BC…

Told ya.

Told ya.

Lose Weight

Yeah yeah. I will. Especially with the coming Zombie Apocalypse who would need to worry about it.  Have you ever seen a Fat Zombie? I rest my case.

I can justify ANYTHING.

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I want some vials of Botox for New Years….

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Sung to the Tune of...

Sung to the Tune of…

I want some vials of Botox for New Years
Only some real Botox will do
Don’t want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy
I want a frozen forehead to play with and enjoy!

I want a shot of collagen for New Years
I don’t think Doctor Time will mind, do you?
He won’t have to use, our dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door,
that’s the easy thing to do!

I can see me now on New Years morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a Dermo Doctor standing there!

I want to melt the muffin for New Years
Only flatter abbies will do
No Jenny Craig, no Weight Watcher crap
I only like potatoes
And potatoes like me too

Mom says the cost would eat me up, but then
BC says it’s a waste of cash
(Short Music Interlude)
There’s lots of room for BC  in our dirty-car garage
I’d feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage!

I can see me now on New Years morning,
creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a Pool Boy standing there!

I want some vials of Botox  for New Years
And some Juviderm will do
No baggy chin, or sleepy eyes and lines
I only like hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me too!

Happy 2013!

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