Who Needs an Elf When You Have Teenagers?


I was remarking the other day about how happy I was that I missed the whole Elf on the Shelf crap by a couple of years.

I spoke too soon.

Who needs an Elf when you have Teenagers?

After a lovely wine induced sleep last night I slowly emerged from my cocoon and walked downstairs to start my morning ritual of picking up dog poop on my expensive wool dining room rug and fixing a cup of coffee.  As I entered the kitchen that I left relatively picked up last night, I was greeted by this scene:

Hoarders-Teen Edition...

Hoarders-Teen Edition…

What looks like a frat house kitchen after an SEC win was created by two teenagers last night.

I can’t show you the sink.  I have boundaries.

1 large Chicago style pizza eaten by 2 – yes 2 teens, cans of soda, a box of Cheezits, Trix cereal, ice cream,tortilla chips,  and an empty bag of MY milky way dark chocolates! HOW DARE THEY!!!

As they go from cute tweens to full on teen they lose the ability to put things in places that you provide for them.  Like dishwashers, sinks, trash cans and washing machines.  Oh, they can do a molecular conversion in chemistry, they can figure out parallelograms in algebra, they can win the state Lacrosse championship, but they CANNOT find the motherfuckin’ trashcan!

We cut them slack because science tells us that they brains are not formed until the age of 24.  And we are so concerned about their self-esteem, their performance in school, their SAT scores that we forget to remind them that even they have a BASIC responsibility to live like a human being and respect their environments. Like the one that me and her dad have worked so hard to provide with the designer clothes, UGG boots, Juicy purse and nice home.  With a pool.

As I remember-there is no college course on how to hire a cleaning lady.  But there ARE colleges that you can pay to have their laundry done. Seriously, and pay for maid service.

Uh, NO.  Any parent that pays for that should be arrested.  You should be put away in a prison that makes you do teenage laundry and fish thong underwear out of the bottom of the washer for the rest of your natural born life.

Who thought of this Elf doing cute messy shit and tricks in your home at night anyway? I  hear she lives here in Atlanta – if she was smart she better move because I am going to send some teenagers to HER house to spend the night and trash HER kitchen.elf on a shelf drinking syrup

Heh, heh, we will see who is laughing all the way to the bank now…


WTF Wednesday – Our Pagans use Golf Carts…


Year 2 of Dumbo …

Trick or Beer!!

What happens when you take your wee halloweenies out for Trick or Treat on Halloween in my oh so privileged hood?

You dress the pagans up, gather their props and load them in to your golf cart.

Yes folks, GOD FORBID They WALK to their friends and neighbor’s homes to get candy. That they don’t need. And don’t forget the beer for Dad who stands at the bottom of your driveway waiting on the prodigies.

Ok, ok, being a little snarky here.

But come on, golf carts? Little trailers attached to ATV’s. Luxury SUV’s loaded with sugar deprived future tennis stars.

What ever happened to walking UP a long street and ringing a doorbell? Then walking back down and walking UP to the next one? Do we not want little Britney, future pro-bono lawyer to break a sweat in that skanky cheer outfit?

Atlanta is hilly. It rests at the foot of the Blue Ridge mountains. You would be hard-pressed to find a truly level lot and street here, especially in the north end of the city’s suburbs. But after we moved in this area – that of the gated neighborhoods, the nazi HOA’s, swim team moms and tennis fanatics, I have found that our kids today have a tough time negotiating these hills on Halloween.

Hmmm, they don’t seem to have a problem with the hills when toilet papering your home. Or ringing your doorbell then ditching. Or forking and skittling your yard.

And the teens that show up in NO costume.  It’s an Almond Joy for you Dude!  And you’d better say thank you.

This IS the South you know.

I know of some that even gather in their cul de sacs or at the end of their driveways to give out candy.  Makes it easier for the kiddies.


Walk up my driveway you little mutherf#^!kers!!!!!

I bet I get papered. . .

Happy Halloween!

I love You. Now STOP It! WTF Wednesday


(We now interrupt our regular funny aging boomer blog for the following message)

I love you. Now STOP IT!

There is a thing called an election coming up on November 6, 2012. At this time in our free society we are able, as citizens, with a few rules, natch, to go and place our own PERSONAL vote for who we want to see lead our country. Remember, I said personal.

With the advent of social media, people have taken to twitter and Facebook and more to post rants and their personal views on particular candidates in the hopes that it may change my mind. With this being National Anti Bullying month, I think the same applies for political rants. You are bullying our candidates. You are bullying your friends. You are bullying me. Just stop it.

Elections bring out the worst in many people. Families get divided, friends start not speaking to each other. And I am tired of it.

And through time it hasn’t changed much.  But social media has made it more blatant.  You complain that you police your kids on SM, how about policing yourself?  Uh, lead by example?

We need to influence with facts.  And responsible and respectable conversation.

Understand that many cannot even agree on what is the best flavor of ice cream.  Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry.  So they made Neapolitan. . .

Does the toilet paper go over or under the roll?

Who cares?  I care who leads our country.  And whomever wins I will respect. I may not like it, but that’s life.

So, stop it.  Thanks.

One of the funniest Newhart sketches EVAH!