Kitten + ADD Meds = Black Friday

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Psycho Kitten…@me

Today, the kitten took 17’s ADD medication. I think it’s his Black Friday.

6 hours later, he is still alive but is ripping around the house like a psycho cat. Oh, and he got all of 17’s homework done and applied to 10 colleges for her so it’s all good.

I don’t do Black Friday. Never have, probably never will.

The thought of camping out or standing in line for a deal on a television, cotton granny panties, or a $5 fry baby just doesn’t do it for me.

I have friends who make it a tradition to get up early (which you do not have to do anymore, you can now start the night before) go fight the crowds and then have lunch somewhere fun. Good for them. And Nordstrom’s doesn’t count…

I sleep in, have a leisurely breakfast, and do laundry. Then I make lunch and dinner out of our leftovers and continue the wine fest. This works for me.

Today I did do some thrift store shopping. As I am a thrift store whore. And my regular haunts were pretty quiet because all the dingalings were at the mall.

And what did I find?

SCORE! Dooney (l) Gucci (r) @me

A Dooney and Bourke leather bag for $4.97

A Vintage Gucci Anniversary handbag authentic (I know my shizz on this ladies) for $23

And some other fun chotchkies for around 9 bucks.

Be jealous.  Oh, I also stopped up the toilet in the Goodwill.  That was fun…

This year I am going to write about a thrift store Christmas and how you can do it too! As long as you have the patience and alcohol to tolerate these places, you will be fine.

So the thrift store whore is getting her game on.  Are you with me?

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I Can Haz Shinee Objects

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I am really starting to worry about myself. So has 16. She told me the other day in all seriousness, “Mom, I need to tell you something, (uh oh, I’m thinking it’s way to early for me to be a grandma..). Mom, you need to go see Alli (my PA) and get some ADD medication.”

Duh. With the onset of the Menopause Zombie, the lack of estrogen, and all the other fun stuff that goes with aging, I am more ADD than I have ever been before. Living with a child with this condition has helped me recognize that I probably have always had it and that now, it has become worse.

The great thing about this is that it helps creative people be more creative, helps funny people be more funny, helps salespeople be better sales people. But once you recognize that this is what’s  happening, it’s like herding cats in your brain and that’s not so easy.

I try to keep my day structured, but I hate rules and have a hard time relying on my list (WHAT list? I’ll get to that later). My typical day looks like this:

Today I am going to get 4 loads of laundry done. And make a casserole for dinner. And get those signs to that house I have for sale.

Get 16 Up
Beg her to get up
Yell at her to get out of bed in 5 minutes
Make coffee
Watch Al on the Today Show
Look at clock on microwave
Oh SHIT!!  We only have 5 minutes to get out the door
Let the dogs out to pee in the backyard-OH LOOK there’s a bluebird on the rail, get my camera
Search house for camera
Crap–dead battery no picture
Oh right, drive 16 to school
On way to school have fender bender with maintenance truck
Oh, yes, Ms. Police Lady-I understand what ‘following too closely means, I’ve done it 3 times in the last 5 years, just ask my insurance company’.
Drop 16 at school 1 hour late-this ones on me
Oh, you know, I am near the shoe store
Go to shoe store
Walk aimlessly around
Look-they have UGGS, try a pair on.  Makes me look fat. Forget it.
Get back in car. Squirrel!
Oh, I’m near the thrift store!
Go to thrift store, buy tacky Christmas sweaters for photo shoots, vintage T Shirts for 16
Thirsty-I need a diet coke. Oh look-a shiny sign-must take picture of that to put on Instagram!
Drive thru Krystal at 11:30
Get 2 cheese Krystals and diet drink
That’s right-I am near the furniture outlet–need to drop by there!
Run in to neighbor at furniture store. Chitty chat for about 30 minutes
Crap-I’m gonna be late to get 16
Look at those flowers in that parking lot-you know, I need to get some for the front yard-I need more butterflies
Buy flat of flowers.  Lookie! Those little gnomes are sooooooooo cute.
Get 16, late.  Unhappy 16. Wants consolation of hamburger and fries.
Go to another drive thru-get another diet coke for me
Get home.  Tired. Park fanny on couch during Ellen Show and get on iPad.
Catch up on Facebook, twitter and blogs. Open up 20 screens on iPad. Crash Ipad. Now, where was I????
Let dogs outside. You know-we need to clip those bushes by the back door. Nah, do it this weekend.
Crap-it’s 5 o’clock-what are we going to do for dinner?
Oh yea, casserole-not happening-chicken is still frozen. Ugh. Check mail outside. Neat! I get free Victoria’s Secret Underwear.
Run to grocery.  Run into another neighbor. Chat more. Forgot list. Dinner = frozen pizza.
WINE-we are out of WINEEEEE-go back to grocery.  Get bottle of wine, bag of salad. Oooh look! Pumpkins!
Put pizza in oven.  Try to remember what I forgot to do today. Get glass of wine
Next morning-I am out of underwear.

OH JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH – I need to do laundry!

Now I am making lists again.  In a cute notebook.  Of which I have 10 half filled all around my house with lists.

I think it’s time for Adderall.

Here’s Your Friday Flash

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Don’t F*CK with me, I’m Flashin

For the next coupla weeks we are going to have a tutorial every Friday on Symptoms of Menopause for Women of a Certain Age.

I intend to make this really easy for you to understand-as I am having quite a few of these fabulous activities and I am going to tell YOU what I am experiencing with each one.  Now because I am perfect, I do not participate every one of these dreaded symptoms, and I will relate what my girls tell me…………

Aching Joints and Muscular Issues

I don’t have that many aching joints right now. I do have one pain in the ass, or rather,  3 –my terriers Roscoe, Max & Willie. Bending over and picking up their crap on my seagrass rug makes me want to wring their necks (Muscular Issue) but my strength is not what it once was. For some reason my toes have decided to start aching-I guess those early years of toe curling sex is what that is all about. Ahem. I do have some gal pals with carpal tunnel and wrist issues. Doc told them to turn the vibrations down to low to keep that from coming back. A good chiropractor, Advil and a dirty read will become your new best friends.

ANXIETY

This is the mother of all things menopausal.  If you don’t get anything else, I assure you, you WILL get at least ONE bout of anxiety during this process.   I am going say that when you do turn the corner at your mid-century mark, you WILL feel empowered and all that shit you hear everyone talk about blah blah blah.  But this type of anxiety is the stupid  ridiculous kind.  For instance-I don’t give a rat’s ass about what you think about my home and my decorating anymore, but I can promise you, I will FREAK OUT if you pour out my wine glass before I have finished it just because I got up to go to the bathroom which I do very often thank you very much.  Nice run on sentence huh? There is a nice little pill for this condition. We ALL know what it is called. Go get it.

Bloating

Feeling like you just ate the whole bag of chips and drank 5 beers is the way you are going to feel pretty much the whole time.   There is a cure for this–keep drinking! Well, water of course-we tend to get more dehydrated  as we age.  But at nite, a lovely glass of wine, or 4, can help as well (this also helps with the above condition).  Also vodka.  Yes, you can mix that with a wedge of lime and club soda and hydrate all nite long…and then jump fully clothed in the neighbor’s pool.

Decreased Libido

This may or may not be a good thing.  I am usually soooo tired at night the thought of any one or any thing touching me or making me move in any other position than prone on the bed makes me want to blow my brains out.  In my twenties and thirties, especially before kids, I was always up for something athletic. Unfortunately not anymore-the last time I got a cramp in the bottom arch of my foot and thought I was going to die right there.  Do you know how hard it is to shake one foot in the air and concentrate on other stuff going on at the same time? I can’t multitask like that.

Go read 50 Shades of Grey and watch Magic Mike.  Then you will be cured.

Next Friday we will discuss more like Changes in Body Odor, Depression and more!

I bet you can’t wait!

WTF Wednesday – Are YOU Wonder Woman?

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This is how I feel today. The only thing she needs is her Cabernet. Or vodka.

This is my first full year of not buying feminine products on a monthly basis!! Yippeee!

BUT – keep those things around. You’re gonna need them at one point or another. If anything-I hear they are great for removing nail polish (this from my teenager….humpfff).

I found a Wonder Woman two piece in Florida. There is no such thing as a WW bikini in a size 16 (always remember, in bathing suits you are SUPPOSED to buy 2 sizes up?? Yeah, I thought so).

So the hot WW that is me spins around her days quite differently than when I was the hot WW of 14 years ago with a toddler.

My main job as WW today is keeping from eating an entire bag of fries from the Mac Steakhouse on a daily basis, staying cool in 100 plus weather, and not killing my teenager or BC.

I found waterproof eyeliner the other day (Smashbox) and I think I can now face the word with eyes on! It’s the little things.

Looking for the next age spot concealor is a tough job.  But someone’s gotta do it..

Calories Suck

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THIS is an oxymoron:

Should I or shouldn’t I?

I AM sooooo tired of counting calories. Calories SUCK. They are units of energy. And I  need a lot of energy to get through my day.

Sooooooo — Today I am going to eat this damn cupcake and drink this can of poison we call Diet Coke. God created Diet Coke to get us through our days. I am tired of people going all “I am giving up diet drinks because they are unhealthy, they make you fat, blah blah blah”. Fine, just you go right ahead. Pretty soon we will be giving up everything and then starve to death because it’s FUCKING BAD FOR US!  Duh.

I have friends who are Food Nazi’s.  You know the ones-meet for lunch, order a burger and fries, and they order the small salad with dressing on the side.  All they talk about are counting calories, what is healthy for you, what is not, etc.

Well, let me tell you my observation:

All of my friends who run, go to the gym, starve themselves, and more are constantly at the chiropractor or orthopedic for broken ankles, shin splints, ruptured discs, you know–

Not fat old me! I BOUNCE! I tripped over a concrete stair in Florida last month that would have broken the kneecap of some of my skinny bitch friends. NOT ME!!!!!!! Got a bruise, and a scrape, but that fat pad on my knee worked pretty well thank you!

Now BC is all into ‘Wheat Belly’.  And you know guys, all they have to do is say they are going to lose some weight and BAM there go 5 lbs. Asshole.  We need to call it what it REALLY is– a FUPA!!

Women do not have big bellies-we have FUPA’s (Fat Upper Pussy Area).  And there are only 2 ways to change a FUPA to a FLUPA (Flat Upper Pussy Area)–Surgery and no food.  There-I have solved your problem.

Have a Diet Coke on me……