I do not Sweat–I GLISTEN!!!

2

I don’t flash. I sweat. Large amounts of sweat. So much so, that by 10am all of my makeup has melted off of my face and the raccoon eyes of mascara have begun. I feel like every time I arrive at the office I look like I have been sobbing in the car to some stupid song by Hall and Oates.

Last night I was showing some houses to a family at 8pm in 90 plus degree heat. This is my other form of employment that I have been doing for 20 years. And the AC was cranked in every home we went in. But instead of turning red and feeling the oncoming heat wave, I tend to just sweat profusely.

When I go to play tennis, my girlfriends are all cute and all in their matching tennie clothes and visors-with earrings and makeup on.  ME?? XL T shirt and fat shorts. Because there are no Spanx in Nike dri fit and my ass looks like two cats fighting in a pillowcase in those skirts.  And I can just wipe the sweat off on my shoulder on cotton shirt. No makeup either-hard to hit an overhead when Maybelline is running into your eyes…..

This also happens in winter. It takes no prisoners. So, I am sweating now in every possible place on my body and places that I didn’t even know HAD sweat glands. We are outside looking around the back yard and I start feeling tiny raindrops–YAY- we are getting rain…uh, noooo, those were coming from my hair. Sweat had managed to run down the short hair strands that I have and land on my arm. ARE YOU KIDDING  ME???????????

The raccoon showed up.  I am sure my lovely clients thought something was really really wrong with me. Maybe it was because this was the fourth house we were going to put an offer on, maybe because their teenagers were fighting over which bedroom to have, maybe because the master suite was too small, maybe, maybe…..It was really embarrassing.

No worries, I apologized for my sweaty smelly self and the wife said not to worry, she was hot too and sweating. But she was NOT glistening like me. Bitch.

So now, when I am out and about, showing property, shopping for shoes or stalking my teenager, I have prepared a Flash/Sweat kit that I keep in my car:

  • Case of water
  • Roll of toilet paper
  • Deodorant
  • Hand towel
  • Emergency chocolate
  • Real Coke for the sugar and caffeine
  • Extra pair of undies — I know TMI but YOU be 50…….

I think I may market this soon-Your Car Flash Survival Kit–and if you order one now, you get the Teenage Tolerance Kit (bottle of Stoli and a pack of Marlboro Lights) ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!!!!!!

Advertisements

Too Hot For Spanx

Today is too hot for Spanx.

In fact I think as long as Spanx are in the world us ‘Rubenesque’ girls will be in dire circumstances. Now don’t get me wrong- Sarah Blakely is my hero. She is rolling in spandex pantyhose money and laughing all the way to the ‘toes less’ hose bank.

Teenagers wear it now.  Time for a gut check.  If I have to wear foundation materials under something I own to go out in public, then maybe I should not have put it on in the first place.

This is why skinny women are bitchy and mean.  They do wear this stuff, and they don’t eat, and it’s hot, therefore they are cranky.  I choose to be happy.  And I choose to eat.  Panera. Bread on the side, pat of butter-real.

No one told me that if you wear underwear with this stuff it makes it (your underwear)  roll down and then your situation starts creeping over the waistband and asking for a dinner roll. So you have to go commando with support wear.  Sweat and all.  Makes for a swell day at the office, or mall, or gynecologist.
Yesterday I took  a blogging class with the famous ATLANTA author Hollis Gillespie and Huffington Post columnist Michael Alvear. It”s going to get crazy out here in 51 land . Buckle up bitches……