What I’ve learned at 50–the power not to care…

Crossing the mid century milestone is a very liberating experience.  It’s what you make of it that counts.  I’ve always been a bit outspoken, some say that my filter doesn’t work on a full time basis. But you get what you get with me.  This list is one I’ve made that best describes me and my madness herein…..

1. If I had it my way I would be on 10 acres with not only my dogs, cat, horses and fish, but goats, chickens, a Jesus Donkey and a Llama named Obama.

2. I hate being cold. But I like cold weather clothing. Which makes a hot flash in cold weather welcome.  My own personal summer.

3. I’ll never fit into my wedding dress again, but who cares, it’s so 80’s anyway.  Big ginormous bow on the back. On the butt. What was I thinking. Oh, and big hair.

4. Other than my family, close friendships are what sustains me.

5. I tend to be on the verge of crazy but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

6. I can spot a fake Louis Vuitton purse in under 10 seconds..pathetic….

7. I have found that if you are doing the ‘big wiggle’ after the age of 50, get a good chiropractor.

8. My husband is my wing man.  When I start looking for a cigarette at a party, he knows it’s time to get me outta there.

9. When, not if, I win the lottery I too, will still work, but I will have great shoes, a great purse and boobs that point north and not south. And no double chin.

10. I am still mad at my younger sister for making the cheerleading squad when I didn’t and oh, for being invited to my prom before me. And being homecoming queen.  Therapy helps.

11.  I want to be on The Amazing Race with my teenager.  I am going to make her do all the gross eating stunts.  Because her eating habits make me crazy at home.

12. I do not tolerate lying in any way, shape or form. Especially about your dress size…….

13. Your teenager does not want you to dress like a teenager.  So just because you had a face lift, Brazilian butt lift, boob lift or other procedure, wearing clothes designed for juniors and looking like a MILF will really piss them off. I know, her friends tell me this. Women over 50 should not have a belly button piercing. This is because I will never see a flat stomach again, and I can’t afford a tummy tuck because 16 spends all MY money on her horse and her hair products..

14. I had more fun in college than any white girl should have had.

15. I love German cars. It’s the only time I can be fast without ruining my reputation.

16. I fill the dishwasher randomly just to piss my husband off.

17. I love red wine. God is good.

18. I flashed REM in 1983. I don’t think they saw me.

19. In 1984 I flew all the way to LA for a blind date. That was a five  day blind date that lasted 4 days and 23 hours too long.

20. I was brought up Catholic. Which is another reason I am in therapy.

21.  I think Dubstep is from aliens.

22. If you want to relive high school again as an adult, just join a ladies tennis team or the PTA.

23.  I used to laugh at the KY commercials. Enough said.

24. I still get my news from the newspaper. I love coffee and the Sunday paper more than church. Nobody better screw with me on a Sunday morning.

25. Mermaids are real. They just don’t have the luxury of buying great shoes….

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The Menopause Zombie

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AMC had a Walking Dead marathon this weekend. 16 and I watched the whole thing including the Talking Dead special Sunday night. I am obsessed with this show.

And that is really head injured considering I am not in their target demographics and I hate :

-Scary Movies
-Blood, guts, guns, spurting brains and internal organs, bulging eyes
-Depressing plot lines
-Apocalyptic plot lines
-Moaning and screaming unless it’s porn
-Bows, arrows, buildings on fire, blowing up stuff
-Bugs and decapitation–unless you decapitate the bug, then I’m okay with that……..

And this show has all of the above and more, and is on cable, and as I said, I cannot get enough of it.

I started watching Walking Dead because a good buddy of mine’s daughter played Sophia, the darling little girl who, in the second season, got chased into the woods by zombies, hid for a while, then walked off. I wanted to check her out and this series because I was hearing so much about it. She is an awesome little actress. When she disappeared, I messaged her dad about it and asked where she was and his comeback was ‘well, today she is in school.’

Sophia Peltier

Haha very funny.

So, watching that story arc and finding out what happen became an important part of my Sunday evenings.

And I also figured out that zombies and women in menopause are remarkably alike…..

-They stagger around looking for something to eat constantly
-They act like they are in a daze full-time
-They do not care what they look like
-They moan quite a bit
-Their hair would scare any mother
-When they get pissed, holy shit watch out! Well, they are always pissed…
-Their clothes are horrendous and do not seem to fit properly. Seriously, when I become one I better have on my Miss Me jeans and my Tory Burch flats…
-They walk around like they are in one constant hot flash
-They eat their children
-They eat their husbands

See, told you I was hungry….

The Young and the Zombieless, All My Zombies, The Bold and The Zombies — all rolled into one show–SQUEEEEE!

Therefore, the real problem out there in WD land is really that menopause has gone viral.

Could happen. . .