Here’s Your Friday Flash

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Don’t F*CK with me, I’m Flashin

For the next coupla weeks we are going to have a tutorial every Friday on Symptoms of Menopause for Women of a Certain Age.

I intend to make this really easy for you to understand-as I am having quite a few of these fabulous activities and I am going to tell YOU what I am experiencing with each one.  Now because I am perfect, I do not participate every one of these dreaded symptoms, and I will relate what my girls tell me…………

Aching Joints and Muscular Issues

I don’t have that many aching joints right now. I do have one pain in the ass, or rather,  3 –my terriers Roscoe, Max & Willie. Bending over and picking up their crap on my seagrass rug makes me want to wring their necks (Muscular Issue) but my strength is not what it once was. For some reason my toes have decided to start aching-I guess those early years of toe curling sex is what that is all about. Ahem. I do have some gal pals with carpal tunnel and wrist issues. Doc told them to turn the vibrations down to low to keep that from coming back. A good chiropractor, Advil and a dirty read will become your new best friends.

ANXIETY

This is the mother of all things menopausal.  If you don’t get anything else, I assure you, you WILL get at least ONE bout of anxiety during this process.   I am going say that when you do turn the corner at your mid-century mark, you WILL feel empowered and all that shit you hear everyone talk about blah blah blah.  But this type of anxiety is the stupid  ridiculous kind.  For instance-I don’t give a rat’s ass about what you think about my home and my decorating anymore, but I can promise you, I will FREAK OUT if you pour out my wine glass before I have finished it just because I got up to go to the bathroom which I do very often thank you very much.  Nice run on sentence huh? There is a nice little pill for this condition. We ALL know what it is called. Go get it.

Bloating

Feeling like you just ate the whole bag of chips and drank 5 beers is the way you are going to feel pretty much the whole time.   There is a cure for this–keep drinking! Well, water of course-we tend to get more dehydrated  as we age.  But at nite, a lovely glass of wine, or 4, can help as well (this also helps with the above condition).  Also vodka.  Yes, you can mix that with a wedge of lime and club soda and hydrate all nite long…and then jump fully clothed in the neighbor’s pool.

Decreased Libido

This may or may not be a good thing.  I am usually soooo tired at night the thought of any one or any thing touching me or making me move in any other position than prone on the bed makes me want to blow my brains out.  In my twenties and thirties, especially before kids, I was always up for something athletic. Unfortunately not anymore-the last time I got a cramp in the bottom arch of my foot and thought I was going to die right there.  Do you know how hard it is to shake one foot in the air and concentrate on other stuff going on at the same time? I can’t multitask like that.

Go read 50 Shades of Grey and watch Magic Mike.  Then you will be cured.

Next Friday we will discuss more like Changes in Body Odor, Depression and more!

I bet you can’t wait!

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I do not Sweat–I GLISTEN!!!

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I don’t flash. I sweat. Large amounts of sweat. So much so, that by 10am all of my makeup has melted off of my face and the raccoon eyes of mascara have begun. I feel like every time I arrive at the office I look like I have been sobbing in the car to some stupid song by Hall and Oates.

Last night I was showing some houses to a family at 8pm in 90 plus degree heat. This is my other form of employment that I have been doing for 20 years. And the AC was cranked in every home we went in. But instead of turning red and feeling the oncoming heat wave, I tend to just sweat profusely.

When I go to play tennis, my girlfriends are all cute and all in their matching tennie clothes and visors-with earrings and makeup on.  ME?? XL T shirt and fat shorts. Because there are no Spanx in Nike dri fit and my ass looks like two cats fighting in a pillowcase in those skirts.  And I can just wipe the sweat off on my shoulder on cotton shirt. No makeup either-hard to hit an overhead when Maybelline is running into your eyes…..

This also happens in winter. It takes no prisoners. So, I am sweating now in every possible place on my body and places that I didn’t even know HAD sweat glands. We are outside looking around the back yard and I start feeling tiny raindrops–YAY- we are getting rain…uh, noooo, those were coming from my hair. Sweat had managed to run down the short hair strands that I have and land on my arm. ARE YOU KIDDING  ME???????????

The raccoon showed up.  I am sure my lovely clients thought something was really really wrong with me. Maybe it was because this was the fourth house we were going to put an offer on, maybe because their teenagers were fighting over which bedroom to have, maybe because the master suite was too small, maybe, maybe…..It was really embarrassing.

No worries, I apologized for my sweaty smelly self and the wife said not to worry, she was hot too and sweating. But she was NOT glistening like me. Bitch.

So now, when I am out and about, showing property, shopping for shoes or stalking my teenager, I have prepared a Flash/Sweat kit that I keep in my car:

  • Case of water
  • Roll of toilet paper
  • Deodorant
  • Hand towel
  • Emergency chocolate
  • Real Coke for the sugar and caffeine
  • Extra pair of undies — I know TMI but YOU be 50…….

I think I may market this soon-Your Car Flash Survival Kit–and if you order one now, you get the Teenage Tolerance Kit (bottle of Stoli and a pack of Marlboro Lights) ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!!!!!!