Reality Bites-My Daughter is not ME

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17 & BC...@F51

17 & BC…@F51

“Honey, that camo hoodie looks really great with your Glock”.

What mother ever thinks THAT is going to come out of their mouth, at one point or another? Not THIS one…

I should have known, marrying a military man, that guns would be a part of our household. And they have been to a small extent. Locked up in various nooks and crannies and hiding places in our house. And I am not a big fan of firearms. Or anything remotely associated with them.

And I should have known that at one point, he would take her to the range and teach her how to use these things responsibly. And he did. And I should have known that at one point they would go camping and he would text me pictures of her in camo, ugly lace up hunting boots, and proudly holding up two squirrels that she took down in a firefight. And he did. I am in mourning in my Lilly Pulitzer house coat and Tory Burch slippers as we speak.

So proud....sniff sniff

So proud….sniff sniff

This is NOT a pro gun post. This is NOT pro hunting post. This is NOT a post to try to get some of you riled up about guns and those issues.

This IS a post about how Girl Power is alive in well in this household.

We’ve always been a bit of an unconventional lot here in Mermaid land.  17 is an only child. Yep-had to deal with that choice with all of you multiple child experts out there. Let me put it this way:  God knew what he was doing when he sent me only one.

Because we are an airline family, she has been able to go to some pretty cool places with us.  She has always been a home body. She plays Xbox with the big boys. She has been tossed from many crazy cheap horses her mom has tried to get her and still gets back on. She has had a hamster, fish, lizard and snake. We are down to 2 cats and one rabbit. Thankfully. She does not take the EASY route to anything. I have offered to do projects for her, take tests for her, and she still would rather fail the test than have someone else do it for her.

We have had our share of trials in teenage land as well. Boyfriends, break ups, mean girls, stolen vodka from the hiding space. But over all, our non-traditional girl is pretty damn cool.

Once in a while, I have my pity party and mourn the fact that she is not the class president, cheerleader, fanatic church teen. But, oh, what a boring life we would lead.

It’s takes a mindset change to accept that she is not YOU. It will also take copious amounts of wine and antidepressants.

Even though they have had days when they wouldn’t even speak to one another, she and her father share a bond of anti authority awesomeness.  So maybe he won’t be walking her out, on the football field, her senior year, with that damn crown on her head and a bouquet of roses in her arms. But you can bet he has taught her how to fend for herself and the confidence to do so. I think THAT is what will carry her through her life. Not a cheap tiara, or a Most Popular award in the yearbook.

And even though she has chosen to take the un-conventional route through high school (monitored home school not by ME thank God) it works for us. And her. I live in an area where high achievers are the norm. Whether they want to be high achievers is another thing. And I know her path through college or whatever further education she chooses will probably be unconventional too.

Getting to the point that this is fine with us has been fraught with challenges for both BC and I. But at the end of the day we know that she will be able to fend for herself.

Besides, when they decide to make a Tory Burch .22 it WILL be in my handbag…

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I think I was Left Behind…

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I still haven’t sent out any Christmas Cards yet this year. Better hurry, I have 6 days left. I do have one made up but I’m not so excited about it. I tried to get one of just the dogs in their holiday garb and it was too hard to hold the bacon in one hand and the camera in the other and keep them from biting my hand off. Here is the result:

doggies

But, we are on our way to 2013 and survived the apocalypse. Whatever THAT was. I do think 17 was hoping for a reprieve from school, but the joke’s on her!

Maybe we’ve been left behind.

I even took a shower.  Put on a bra. And they STILL didn’t include me. So I guess it didn’t happen.

And, Big Momma’s still here-they would have definitely taken her with.  She still makes me feel guilty about going to church.  But that’s her job.

So, back to our Christmas.

I live in an area of Atlanta where the kids go on mission trips in the first class section of Delta, get sub woofers for their new BMW’s and take pictures of their haul of Tory Burch and Michael Kors and put them on Instagram. As a friend of mine stated yesterday, obviously we didn’t get the message…

I grew up in a family that never made a huge deal out of the holidays, gift-wise. We got our bikes, Barbie’s, Easy Bake Ovens(and now they are gender neutral??? Do you really want your child to learn how to bake a cake with a LIGHTBULB???REALLY???) and Mickey Mouse watches like everybody else. In high school we typically got the requisite nightgown, ONE LP (Yes– Frampton Comes Alive!) and a pair of Levi’s cords. We thought we were doing pretty good with that. Then, on Christmas night after we had dinner with our families we headed to a local friend’s barn garage were upstairs we would listen to those LP’s and drink copious amounts of beer (the drinking age was 18). We walked home. The local cops would sometimes give us a ride.
I was really lucky to have lived in that small New Jersey town as a teenager.

You want to feel like a crappy parent? Don’t get your teen a car, a MK bag, an iPhone, an iPad, or fancy camera for Christmas.  But I confess, 17 asked for some Lily Pulitzer and after a couple of years of shopping  in the skank section of the mall I acquiesced.  I was so happy to go in to that store and buy that crap you have no idea! My baby is growing up.  Now, I need to be able to afford J Crew

We still do a quiet holiday here.  Though 17 would like to have more stuff to open.  And we were supposed to go on a trip with BC (the hubs, the pilot) to Paris.  Since  THAT didn’t happen, we hung here, ate at friends homes, and watched movies on the tube.  And, since BC has been texting me pictures of the Eiffel tower – 3 yesterday and a video – I think I am going to short sheet his side of the bed tonight and make my way to the shoe store to make myself feel better.

Notre Daem Cathedral Christmas Eve @BC

Notre Dame Cathedral Christmas Eve @BC

Merry Christmakuhzaa from the Mermaid!

Dear Santa – I Want My Old Boobs Back…

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salem1Dear Santa,

I know you don’t get many letters from 52-year-old women, so I hope you can help me. Remember, I used to write to you as a child asking for a Barbie Dream House and Betsy Wetsy? I got that Dream House, but you gave BW to my sister and that really did piss me off. And since I still believe, I wanted a few favors from you.

1. Will you please bring back my 22-year-old boobs? They were all nice and perky and elf-like and really got me mileage. I would like you to bring back those medium-sized darlings and you can donate the leftovers of these bags to other less fortunate  women.

2. I really need a facelift. I know, aging is wonderful and shows the lines of your life, but the fact that I like Pinocchio’s Great Aunt with these so-called 220px-Rappersdelightmarionette lines around my mouth are not attractive. I was even asked in 3 different stores last week if I wanted the Senior Discount…

3. Can you make the FDA approve over the counter Botox? That alone, along with legalized pot across our country would wipe out our debt and make us less stressed and cuter.

4. I know you bring the kiddos toys and stuff, but do you do adult toys? I mean a battery is a battery, right?

5. I really need a live-in pool boy.  I know, I know, it’s an outrageous request.  But we put this pool in our yard a couple of years ago and BC does not like to take care of it.  He can be young or old, but in good condition.  Used is okay if he’s from South America…

6. Can you bring back Disco? And Funk?  Our kids do not know who the Sugar Hill Gang is and that is a tragedy.

7.  Can you make a law where teenagers have to go to boarding school when they turn 14 and return when they graduate?

8. Oh, in addition to the boobs, the 1985 waistline would be nice too…

Thanks for all you have done for me and my family over the years.  I know you work hard.  But you are the miracle guy, so get to work.

Love,

The Mermaid

Don’t forget to vote for my inappropriate Elf on Baby Rabies page here!

Who Needs an Elf When You Have Teenagers?

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I was remarking the other day about how happy I was that I missed the whole Elf on the Shelf crap by a couple of years.

I spoke too soon.

Who needs an Elf when you have Teenagers?

After a lovely wine induced sleep last night I slowly emerged from my cocoon and walked downstairs to start my morning ritual of picking up dog poop on my expensive wool dining room rug and fixing a cup of coffee.  As I entered the kitchen that I left relatively picked up last night, I was greeted by this scene:

Hoarders-Teen Edition...

Hoarders-Teen Edition…

What looks like a frat house kitchen after an SEC win was created by two teenagers last night.

I can’t show you the sink.  I have boundaries.

1 large Chicago style pizza eaten by 2 – yes 2 teens, cans of soda, a box of Cheezits, Trix cereal, ice cream,tortilla chips,  and an empty bag of MY milky way dark chocolates! HOW DARE THEY!!!

As they go from cute tweens to full on teen they lose the ability to put things in places that you provide for them.  Like dishwashers, sinks, trash cans and washing machines.  Oh, they can do a molecular conversion in chemistry, they can figure out parallelograms in algebra, they can win the state Lacrosse championship, but they CANNOT find the motherfuckin’ trashcan!

We cut them slack because science tells us that they brains are not formed until the age of 24.  And we are so concerned about their self-esteem, their performance in school, their SAT scores that we forget to remind them that even they have a BASIC responsibility to live like a human being and respect their environments. Like the one that me and her dad have worked so hard to provide with the designer clothes, UGG boots, Juicy purse and nice home.  With a pool.

As I remember-there is no college course on how to hire a cleaning lady.  But there ARE colleges that you can pay to have their laundry done. Seriously, and pay for maid service.

Uh, NO.  Any parent that pays for that should be arrested.  You should be put away in a prison that makes you do teenage laundry and fish thong underwear out of the bottom of the washer for the rest of your natural born life.

Who thought of this Elf doing cute messy shit and tricks in your home at night anyway? I  hear she lives here in Atlanta – if she was smart she better move because I am going to send some teenagers to HER house to spend the night and trash HER kitchen.elf on a shelf drinking syrup

Heh, heh, we will see who is laughing all the way to the bank now…

Things I Don’t Miss About Having a Little Kid

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Yes, I miss the days when 16 was a munchkin. That smile, that bowl cut, that happiness.

And now that she is a teenager, or as I call it, whine-ager, there are some things I do NOT miss about those little kiddle days:

You’d better get one of these…

1. Halloween – yep-I still decorate, but not to the over achieving style I did when she was little. And I am VERY happy that we do not get Boo’ed anymore. For those of you that have not experienced it-you receive an anonymous paper ghost on your door and a bucket of candy. Then, you have to go anonymously Boo someone else. With a new bucket of candy. And if you do NOT get Boo’ed with a little kid, and they see the neighbor doors with ghosts on them, you have to Boo yourself. Because the mean moms were not so happy about your comment at the last Bunko. . .Just like high school. Bitches…

2. Halloween Costumes. Nowadays most of the girls look like they are out of ‘tramps r us’ and all the boy costumes involve some kind of creature who kills or maims. What ever happened to that home-made ghost costume-you know, a sheet with two holes cut in it for eyes? Wow, have we really complicated this or what?

3. Santa – yep-it’s over. And I admit that was a sad moment when I found out she found out. But our encounters with the mall Santa’s were never happy. The waiting in line alone was tortuous and the questions, over and over, about how come there are so many Santa’s in malls, is this the real one? Was exhausting. And the whole hiding that shit until the big day. And waiting to make SURE she was asleep before we put together the Barbie Airplane. One Christmas Eve, we got so drunk with our neighbors we forgot to put the stuff out. Thank the good lord she is a late sleeper. And putting all that stuff out at 5 am still drunk from the nite before was awful. That was a hangover only 5 Guys, not a turkey, could cure.

4. AMF (adios muthafuckah) Room MOMs! No mom nazi’s in high school. But, there are band mom nazi’s, football mom nazi’s, cheer mom nazi’s, you get my drift. But by this time, NO is a big part of your vernacular. At least it is in mine.

5. Birthday parties–no more scrambling to find a redneck with a jumpy thing to put in your driveway all day. No THEME parties-we had a Princess Barbie party once. I hired this gal that came dressed as Princess Barbie for the 5 year olds and they loved it. So did my husband…I once went to a birthday party for a 7-year-old who got over 70 gifts.  That’s right, 70.  In a pile in her back yard.  It was gross and disgusting.  And, how do you explain that to your 7-year-old?  Nowadays, at 16 they get cars.  The only thing that I am thankful for with this bad economy is that lots of kids are driving ‘beaters’ again and are glad to have them.

Pilot Ken & Barbie ..

6. Play Dates – Thank god I had a couple of awesome girlfriends with same age kids. Never had to suffer through a blind play date. Occasionally we had a pre-school friend over-you know, the ‘Eddie Haskell’ Playdate? The one where the other kid is constantly ratting yours out to you? Teenagers do not invite THAT kid over anymore.  Because they are smart. And WANT to get away with stuff…

7. Parent-Teacher Conferences.  Yes, you do have them in high school in sometimes.  Especially if your kid is under-achieving-then it’s usually with the counselor (don’t even get me started).  In elementary and middle school, I always felt like it was ME that they were talking about.  If you took a look at both me and BC’s report cards from our school days, you would see this comment quite a bit,  “she/he spends time day dreaming and visiting with friends.  If he/she would just focus on the work, they could be such a better student.”  Yep, my kid is doomed.  She received a double dose of the ‘daydreamer’ gene from us.

8.  Extremely dehumanizing early bus times in elementary school.  Who decided that a 5-year-old catching a bus at 6:50AM for kindergarten was a good idea?  I don’t know what it’s like in your area, but after the first week, a then 5 asked me, “why do we have to do this every day?”  Ummm, she’s still asking me that same question at 16.

9. Children’s TV.  Enough said.

10.  Dismal Disney Worldwith a toddler.  You know what? Disney is much better WITHOUT the kids.  Those ads are true.

2 HOURS for 1 MINUTE – kill me now…

What do you NOT miss-let me know!