Calories Suck


THIS is an oxymoron:

Should I or shouldn’t I?

I AM sooooo tired of counting calories. Calories SUCK. They are units of energy. And I  need a lot of energy to get through my day.

Sooooooo — Today I am going to eat this damn cupcake and drink this can of poison we call Diet Coke. God created Diet Coke to get us through our days. I am tired of people going all “I am giving up diet drinks because they are unhealthy, they make you fat, blah blah blah”. Fine, just you go right ahead. Pretty soon we will be giving up everything and then starve to death because it’s FUCKING BAD FOR US!  Duh.

I have friends who are Food Nazi’s.  You know the ones-meet for lunch, order a burger and fries, and they order the small salad with dressing on the side.  All they talk about are counting calories, what is healthy for you, what is not, etc.

Well, let me tell you my observation:

All of my friends who run, go to the gym, starve themselves, and more are constantly at the chiropractor or orthopedic for broken ankles, shin splints, ruptured discs, you know–

Not fat old me! I BOUNCE! I tripped over a concrete stair in Florida last month that would have broken the kneecap of some of my skinny bitch friends. NOT ME!!!!!!! Got a bruise, and a scrape, but that fat pad on my knee worked pretty well thank you!

Now BC is all into ‘Wheat Belly’.  And you know guys, all they have to do is say they are going to lose some weight and BAM there go 5 lbs. Asshole.  We need to call it what it REALLY is– a FUPA!!

Women do not have big bellies-we have FUPA’s (Fat Upper Pussy Area).  And there are only 2 ways to change a FUPA to a FLUPA (Flat Upper Pussy Area)–Surgery and no food.  There-I have solved your problem.

Have a Diet Coke on me……


Nice Mullet – 5 Reasons to Visit a Waterpark

1. Instant Weight Loss. Yes, you WILL be the thinnest one there because water parks must give big discounts to extremely large people to come there and make everyone else feel skinny.

2. The 50 yard cleanse. Ripping down those slides feet first in your Miraclesuit will flush out all unwanted water park bacterium and other critters in your nether regions.  Tip-go right before a visit to the fine china doctor.

3. Embrace your inner Redneck. Where else can a man or woman go flying around a water tube or floating on the lazy river without a huge whoop! whoop! and no one else cares. Play the mullet game–count how many little boys under age 10 have a mullet, or better yet, have a tattoo judging contest.  Wow-this can keep your kids busy for hours!

Awesome Mullet - 20 points!

Awesome Mullet – 20 points!

4. Free babysitting. If your kids are a little older and not using swimmies, set them free for the day and pick up ’50 Shades of Grey’ and enjoy the moment.

5. Hot Young Male Lifeguards. Eye candy for the mom set. Enjoy your 4th!