Hot Flash Friday-We’ve Been Lied To…..

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I hate dieting. And below is the reason why.

I was in my local grocery yesterday, excited to get good stuff since BC and 17 went on a camping weekend today. Four whole days ALONE in my house. This is waaaay better than a weekend at the Ritz with the hubs.
No performance anxiety.

So, I thought I might give some of those frozen meals a try as I plan to be so busy cleaning, organizing, repairing simple things reading books and drinking wine. In front of my little fake log in the fireplace. But alas, it’s going to be in the 70s here this weekend.

I am easily sucked in to a good deal, two for one, pretty pictures on boxes and the like at the store. So when I saw the cover of this one, and the fact that I could GET 5 FOR $10 I was game. And I thought I would share with you my little experience. Oh, and you can meet my dogs…

Blah blah-we’ve all heard it-weight loss is harder starting in your 40s. Yadda Yadda. But for shit’s sake, food companies this is BAIT AND SWITCH! And as time has gone by, these meals have also become smaller, and smaller, and smaller……one of these and about 2 hours later, facing eating another one, you’re like, “Ah Hell NO! I’m going to get me a QUARTER POUNDER…” And the vicious cycle continues.

All groceries need to do is have a menopausal section. Fresh fruits, vegetables, chocolate, wine and prime rib.
And a masseuse, Swedish preferably.
Duh

Follow me on twitter at @hellomap or you can click in the box above and like my Facebook page. Because I’m insecure and all that…

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Hot Flash Friday – Size 12 is Plus?

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Since when is a size 12 called PLUS????

@poponpop.com

The media has inundated us this week with articles about Robyn Lawley, a 6’2″ Australian model who finally gave up starving herself a few years back and has been working world-wide ever since. Ralph Lauren has hired her stateside to be in their print campaign and ERMAGERD – she’s a SIZE 12!!!!!!!!!!!!  On the Today Show, “So, Robyn, how does it feel to be a plus sized model???”  If she were me my response would be, “Freekin Great–All the way to the Bank, BITCHES!! Gimme that donut!”

HOLY SHIT, batten down the hatches mates, the fat girls are a comin…Hide yo wife, hide yo kids, Hide yo FOOD!

I have read tons of articles that have said that the average American woman is a size 12. And the proof is in the racks at the stores I go to. Check out TJ Maxx, Steinmart, Nordstrom Rack, etc., and what sizes are there the fewest of???? Yep–larges, XL’s and 12 and 14. What is usually the longest rack in the store-the SMALLS. Well, duh.

That’s why I have figured out why Chico’s is such a success. Their sizes run from .5 to 3 ( they are carrying plus 3 now) but on any given day, depending on the style, I can fit in a 1 up to a 3.  Chico’s is like Garanimals (remember-match the tags for a complete kids outfit??) for women. Way less guilt.

WEIGHT GAIN

This is the bane of our existence starting in our 40s.  The first time I did Weight Watchers, at 38, I dropped 30 pounds without as much as a whimper.  Then over the next couple of years put it all back on and then some.  So I went back.  The next attempt helped me shed 17 pounds–I tried the exact same tact but guess what-the hormones were fighting me all the way and continue to do so into my 50s.  Everything slows down and those asshole hormones are in a committed relationship with carbohydrates. So our metabolism slows down and our bodies are rebelling so the only solution is to eat less and move more.  I have tried every decent diet, multi-level scheme, and saved for lipo.  Guess what-it’s simple-eat less move more.  Duh.

I TRULY LOVE Mexican Food ..There isn’t a tortilla chip in the world I haven’t loved dearly

And it settles in your middle. Hence, middle age.  Or as I like to call it – We are mid-century modern.

So, shout out to Robyn! And media, please take the word PLUS out of your intros and headlines.  Because the only thing most of us girls are is FABULOUS!

Robyn Lawley’s Nutella Souffle Recipe  – I knew I loved her. . .

Love Me, Love My Cheeseburger

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I am really gonna do this.  I am going to order that mofo and feel damn good about it.

The anticipation is building. I’m not feeling so bad about this choice as I’m in the line behind a new Audi A7 with a nice looking gal behind the wheel with a great hairdo. She’s smoking a cig–even better….

We creep up the line until I pass her on my way to the other order box and wait my turn. I am feeling pretty good about this decision. Especially since there is the gal in the Audi and a gal in an Acura in front of me with no kids in their cars. We are sisters in crime.

I’m at the speaker-and she asks: “I can take your order now”

I say-“I’ll have a Number 2, LARGE with un-sweetened tea..”

She says, “First window please”…

I pull up and pass the Audi and the Acura and me and my BMW go to the window, pay my cash and I come away with a QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE MEAL and I am HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!! And I eat that mutherfucker with a passion all its own. Down to the last fry. And not share half with my dogs.

I’d like the fried shrimp, please…..

 

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life. Fat or skinny or in-between I’m gonna be in BIG LOVE with myself.

Over this past weekend, I read some really inspirational, tear splashing, and personal blogs from outstanding women in the blogosphere that wrote about how they are going to love who they are and what they are going to do to  make it happen. Two blog sites that I recommend are GirlBodyPride and InthePowderRoom. These sites are inspirational, funny, outlandish (especially the powder room..) and uplifting. They were created by some of the finest women writers and bloggers out there today. And they gave me such a kick in the ass that I am joining that movement.

Every morning, when I get up and turn on my computer or phone and look at my email, the Body Police on the internet have been pretty busy because I get-no lie-about 6-10 emails a DAY early in the am from all those places out there like Weight Watchers, Prevention, Jenny Craig, Healthy Mom, NutriSystems,Wheat Belly and more.  How to this, how to that, holy fuck I am so confused it’s a wonder I am not in the women’s section yet (but I’m close). What a way to start your day.

At 52, and being overweight, I am also prime for heart attacks, diabetes, gout, knee problems, thinning hair, incontinence and more fun body dysfunction than you can imagine.  I KNOW there is a troll out there that took one look at the picture of me on FB and said–OK, we got another one-prime target–send her the emails of death!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I have found out the hard way that no amount of money in your wallet will fix all that stuff like fatness and unhealthiness, because it has to come from within.  That is the only way.

I am tired of the guilt.  I am tired of feeling bad about eating even one fucking french fry.  I am tired of the comments-you know, the IF ONLY YOU WOULD……

Once the guilt and self-doubt is thrown to the lions I truly think that great things can happen. Even my skinny bitch girlfriends complain about their size.  What has this come to, except for a ton of women of all sizes and shapes unhappy with themselves?  Great.

So yes, I am going to try and improve my health. And no, I am not going to feel guilty about that piece of birthday cake I ate that’s in my office kitchen.

Because if I go every day feeling guilty about something I did or did not eat I end up at a standstill and end up doing nothing good for myself.

Unfortunately, body and beauty perfection is the holy grail of women today.  And what should be the holy grail for women is to truly like ourselves. Warts and all.

Like the Weed and Braids Lady would say “Don’t worry, ’bout a thing, cause every little things, gonna be alright”….