I Can Justify ANYTHING

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I don’t make resolutions, I make JUSTIFICATIONS.funny-celebrity-pictures-guardian-angels

Growing up with the Guilt Angel hanging over my head has helped me to learn to make a justification for just about everything I do or not do in life. Guilt Angel also taught me the fine art of sucking up when I had a late assignment in high school, slept through an exam in college, or ran in late to my office (Oh so sorry, I got my period and that really tied up traffic this morning…). So, I can justify not making these resolutions:

More Exercise

Oh Hell to the NO

Oh Hell to the NO

Did you know that people actually FART OUT LOUD in a Yoga Class? As they are contorting themselves in highly awkward positions, releasing gas is supposedly detoxifying your body.  But in a hot room full of people sweating? People pay money for that, folks… No sirree-I am going to downward dog when I get out of my bed in the morning and let BC enjoy the yoga perfume.

RUNNING?? Seriously-where are you going that you have to run to get there? Unless I am being chased by an ax murderer or trying to get to free Chanel Bags at the end of the Apocalypse, I am not running anywhere.  I run to the bathroom. That’s it.

Join a GYM? Uh, think of it this way.  I want some work done on my face. Not a whole lot. But $39 a month for 12 months? That’s $468 PLUS the join fee-Honey, that’s a frozen forehead AND erased marionette lines right there!

Eat Healthy

Oh puuuhhhlllleeeaaase! I am a carnivore. Carbs are not my friends. Oh yes, they text me and Facebook me to come over and play with them and their Pinterest Dip friends.  Carbs are the mean head cheerleader girl of foods. Just remember that.

Tenderloin with a Cabernet glaze? I. AM. IN.  Thank God I love spinach, kale, broccoli, and other greens, especially smothered in olive oil and garlic.

BC is giving up Diet Coke. Well, good for him. I have ONE Diet Cherry Zero every day, and my teeth have not rotted out yet. Geez, the pressure…

Did you know that Fritos have very little carbs?  Cracker Barrel has pre-cut sharp cheddar slices.  Wine is full of reservatrol. Especially if you drink as much as the hubs and I do(we are going to live forever at this point).  Real sugar is better than the fake stuff.  Real Butter almost killed Paula Dean but used in moderation it’s more healthy than margarine. Which is apparently one molecule off of plastic.  Watch out for all those awful frozen diet meals.  They do NOT look like the photo on the cover of the box. In fact, they look very sad after you cook them. Like they are missing something..like TASTE maybe???

Cook it-Then see what it looks like...

Cook it-Then see what it looks like…

Be More Organized

Just what the hell does this mean? More organized in what?  My favorite quote is “A Clean House is a Sign of a Sick Mind”.  And my house is somewhat clean.  I mean, I get the dog poop up off the wool rug in the dining room in the morning and I do the dishes from the night before. Then I vacuum the dog hair off the floor and flush a couple of toilets.  That, my friends, is a clean house!

Hoarders-Teen Edition...

Hoarders-Teen Edition…

BC flies over night quite a bit due to his travels to Europe and South America.  Kinda hard to make the bed with him in it. So that one is out the window.  Oh, and putting dishes and pots and pans away as well as running the washing machine could wake him up and I certainly do NOT want to awaken the Kracken!

Our organization methods involve little piles of shit everywhere. Both  me, BC and 17. And I can tell you within one millisecond, if you ask where something is, which pile it’s in.

Boom.

Stay on a BudgetADD2

Okay. I am trying really, really hard to do this. I really am.  But, because of the serious condition I have (that I diagnosed on my WebMD app on my phone) called Adult Attention Deficit Disorder, I need a bit of leeway on this.  It’s hard to keep track when you are in the midst of a sale at Target and you are fighting the neighborhood Tennis Bitch for the Tory Burch Lunchbox because, you know, we are inherently competitive…do you know how many bags of cheddar cheese I have in my fridge? I even take lists to the grocery and still screw up.

Besides, that last pair of UGG’s I had that lasted me four years? That’s only $30 a year to wear them. Take THAT, BC…

Told ya.

Told ya.

Lose Weight

Yeah yeah. I will. Especially with the coming Zombie Apocalypse who would need to worry about it.  Have you ever seen a Fat Zombie? I rest my case.

I can justify ANYTHING.

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Warts and All. Why I Love My Faults…

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I was trolling around on the internet looking for blog inspiration and I found a couple of folks who do Monday Listicles-they throw out a topic and you write 5 or 10 things about that topic. One was the top things you learned in 2012, and the other was what faults are you thankful for.

These may or may not be faults, depending on perspective.  Maybe they are vices, whatever…

1. I am thankful for my impulsiveness or ADD. It helps me decide, fairly quickly, to buy that overpriced handbag (Hey, honey, I can recoup it on eBay!). In addition to some bad decisions, it has also helped me to take chances on myself, bring home cute kitties and puppies from various rescue places, and start this blogging thing…

2. I am thankful for my addiction to carbohydrates. In real life, carbs and starches are my enemy. But my fantasy would be that someone invent a pill so that I could eat delicious bread based meals like stuffing, cakes, pies, hero subs, french fries and more with abandon. I bet the need for depression meds would be much less…

3. I am thankful for red wine. I even drink it at concerts, which is truly lame. Aerosmith and a glass of cab. Never thought THAT would happen…

4. I am thankful for my sometimes lack of a filter. Lets me know who is real and who is not. This really helps in negotiations in today’s cheerful real estate market…

5. I am thankful for my love of stupid television. Honey Boo Boo, Storage Wars, Real Housewives, Kardashians. Reminds me that I am not as crazy as I think I am…

6. I am thankful for the current Zombie craze. I now know that when I become a zombie, I will be skinny and not have to put on makeup to leave the house. And I can eat anything I want. I am truly a meat eater, suits me well…

7. I am thankful for my love of all things Flo Rida, Lady Gaga, Diddy, Kanye et al. Who needs to teach their kids about sex when you can just turn on the radio?

8. I am thankful for Facebook and Twitter. I have been able to reconnect AND meet with some old and new friends and make a fool of myself for people all over the planet.

9. I am thankful for my potty mouth.  Sometimes. It has taken me a while to figure out where and when to use it properly.  But there is just no better word than those that begin with F for when you stub your toe, hit the side of the garage in your hub’s truck, or yell at your teenager when you find your bottle of whipped cream vodka gone from the freezer.

10.  I am thankful for these lists.  Makes me write when I have writer’s constipation.  And gets me going again!

Have a great week!

Sisterhood of the Traveling Trolls

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I was in the land of the Walking Dead yesterday.  I attended the Saturday session of Aiming Low’s Non Conference in Callaway Gardens, Georgia.  It is fairly close to the areas that they film the network TV series and I was hoping to run into some sexy zombies but alas, just some really sexy bloggers!

This was my first blogging conference for what I call the real bloggers out there–creative people of all shapes, ideas, personalities and truly committed to their craft and it was both surreal, eye-opening, and fun to be with like-minded people JUST LIKE ME! (read-crazy, funny, smart, sassy, talented, challenged, stressed, etc).

In the meantime I was nominated for the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award from the Menopausal Mother!  And there are some rules that go with this that I am happy to comply with:
RULES:

Include award logo in blog post, thank the nominee and link back to their site
Post 7 interesting facts about yourself
Pass the award to 7 deserving sisters
7 Like TOTALLY interesting Facts about myself:

1.  I met IRL the Pioneer Woman at the Aiming Low Non Con yesterday and she sang “Endless Love” while showing a slide show of Charlie, her Bassett hound.  She is so human-which is why she is so popular, and I hear she can down a mean martini, and over 20 olives…

2.  Last week I wrote about my adult ADD – made worse, of course by the fact that I am a Woman of a Certain Age.  I wrote about it here at I Can Haz Shinee Objects

3.  I am going to move my blog this week to another host so there may be a teesny bit of downtime – but this will finally give me a chance to clean my house. Yeah, don’t pass out.

4.  I also wrote a post last week on a little problem that an oh, so intellectual fraternity at University Of Tennessee had with boxed wine.  If you are brought up right in my house you do not drink boxed wine unless you are camping in an RV park, partying with your girlfriends on a spooky bus tour of downtown Asheville, or get stuck doing your clothes in a laundromat. Just saying.

5.  I made it into the Huffington Post.  Well, kinda.  The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva did.  With the dog shaming craze, she asked us bloggers to do a little mom shaming.  And we did.  My pic made it onto her article.  And in the album-not one of the 10 best but hey, I’ll take it.

6.  I am a flea, antique and thrift store whore.  In the last 2 weeks me and my partner in crime  I have amassed probably Atlanta’s largest collection of Butt Ugly Christmas Sweaters. And you can have one too for your holiday parties! Come join us at the Lakewood 400 Market this upcoming weekend.  You can also buy lotsa other fun stuff there too.  I have always been a flea freak.  Don’t know why. But maybe it’s because of all of the moving we did growing up that  I have no remnants of my childhood toys to look at — which is totally fine.  But I still collect Trolls…

giggle @F51

7.  Everyone has a Bucket List.  My top one is to be a Zombie Extra on the Walking Dead just once. In high school, I remember watching Night of the Living Dead with friends and thank god it was in black and white.  But zombies have always fascinated me for some really weird reason and just once, I want to stagger and groan and eat gross stuff with a horrid makeup job completely sober…   

So thank you MM – And I would like to pass this award on to these fellow sisters:

Apossuminadishwasher

Cornfield Diaries

Is is Pretty

Pocketful of Joules

Really Real Atlanta Housewives

The B(itc)h Log

Diapers or Wine

Have a great week and come play with me on twitter @hellomap

I Can Haz Shinee Objects

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I am really starting to worry about myself. So has 16. She told me the other day in all seriousness, “Mom, I need to tell you something, (uh oh, I’m thinking it’s way to early for me to be a grandma..). Mom, you need to go see Alli (my PA) and get some ADD medication.”

Duh. With the onset of the Menopause Zombie, the lack of estrogen, and all the other fun stuff that goes with aging, I am more ADD than I have ever been before. Living with a child with this condition has helped me recognize that I probably have always had it and that now, it has become worse.

The great thing about this is that it helps creative people be more creative, helps funny people be more funny, helps salespeople be better sales people. But once you recognize that this is what’s  happening, it’s like herding cats in your brain and that’s not so easy.

I try to keep my day structured, but I hate rules and have a hard time relying on my list (WHAT list? I’ll get to that later). My typical day looks like this:

Today I am going to get 4 loads of laundry done. And make a casserole for dinner. And get those signs to that house I have for sale.

Get 16 Up
Beg her to get up
Yell at her to get out of bed in 5 minutes
Make coffee
Watch Al on the Today Show
Look at clock on microwave
Oh SHIT!!  We only have 5 minutes to get out the door
Let the dogs out to pee in the backyard-OH LOOK there’s a bluebird on the rail, get my camera
Search house for camera
Crap–dead battery no picture
Oh right, drive 16 to school
On way to school have fender bender with maintenance truck
Oh, yes, Ms. Police Lady-I understand what ‘following too closely means, I’ve done it 3 times in the last 5 years, just ask my insurance company’.
Drop 16 at school 1 hour late-this ones on me
Oh, you know, I am near the shoe store
Go to shoe store
Walk aimlessly around
Look-they have UGGS, try a pair on.  Makes me look fat. Forget it.
Get back in car. Squirrel!
Oh, I’m near the thrift store!
Go to thrift store, buy tacky Christmas sweaters for photo shoots, vintage T Shirts for 16
Thirsty-I need a diet coke. Oh look-a shiny sign-must take picture of that to put on Instagram!
Drive thru Krystal at 11:30
Get 2 cheese Krystals and diet drink
That’s right-I am near the furniture outlet–need to drop by there!
Run in to neighbor at furniture store. Chitty chat for about 30 minutes
Crap-I’m gonna be late to get 16
Look at those flowers in that parking lot-you know, I need to get some for the front yard-I need more butterflies
Buy flat of flowers.  Lookie! Those little gnomes are sooooooooo cute.
Get 16, late.  Unhappy 16. Wants consolation of hamburger and fries.
Go to another drive thru-get another diet coke for me
Get home.  Tired. Park fanny on couch during Ellen Show and get on iPad.
Catch up on Facebook, twitter and blogs. Open up 20 screens on iPad. Crash Ipad. Now, where was I????
Let dogs outside. You know-we need to clip those bushes by the back door. Nah, do it this weekend.
Crap-it’s 5 o’clock-what are we going to do for dinner?
Oh yea, casserole-not happening-chicken is still frozen. Ugh. Check mail outside. Neat! I get free Victoria’s Secret Underwear.
Run to grocery.  Run into another neighbor. Chat more. Forgot list. Dinner = frozen pizza.
WINE-we are out of WINEEEEE-go back to grocery.  Get bottle of wine, bag of salad. Oooh look! Pumpkins!
Put pizza in oven.  Try to remember what I forgot to do today. Get glass of wine
Next morning-I am out of underwear.

OH JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH – I need to do laundry!

Now I am making lists again.  In a cute notebook.  Of which I have 10 half filled all around my house with lists.

I think it’s time for Adderall.

Storm Trooper-He dirtied his outfit himself-wow…..

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Storm Trooper-He dirtied his outfit himself-wow.....

Great Cod Piece Leonard….

Some of my shots from DragonCon this weekend.  This is a def MUST ATTEND in Atlanta for all nerds, gamers, sci-fi and fantasy buffs.  I fit right in.  Oh god……..

What someone will do for a shot….

Homemade Trekkie AG Dolls–LOVED!

Bunny? Squirrel?? He told me he worked Renaissance Festivals. REALLY??

She was posing quite a bit for us. I could use this mask in my 50 shades foreplay….

Honey-this is what happens if you pick your nose….

See-you CAN find a mate on ECreepy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The ONE hot guy I found in the parade. God is good…..

Unfortunatley there weren’t any good vagina costumes…… Sorry kids.